Duo's Journals
by Paz Enai
Summary: Accounts written by Duo about his life and dilemmas, good times and random occurrences. And about that undeniable crush ?lust? for his good friend... And what has Duo got himself into?
1. Entry 1: This is a Tired Rant

Duo's Journals

Entry One: This is a Tired Rant

Alright, just to start things off, I don't usually keep a diary. I was, well, not so much 'told' to do it as it was suggested to me by crossed out. Never mind, we wont use names, they are insignificant in something like this anyway right? In any case, I was told to do this for all those times I lonsmudge I…No one reads diaries anymore right? It's amazing that I'm afraid to write my own thoughts down on paper. I mean, what are the chances of you seeing this anyway? I mean, it's not like we live together or something, though I do, kinda, sorta, hold a deep desire to do so. Sure I visit him from time to time, but still, like…I dunno, whatever. I mean, I do feel that you act more comfortable around me then you do around the others. I've seen how you interact with the people at cork, but it just seems different… I don't know, maybe it's all just my imagination. I want it to be true, but… I still have no way to find out, lest I tell you.

I'm not that strong, though, ya know? I'd like to think I'm tough as nails, just apparently not in that department. I can't tell you how I feel, just as I can't write it down. I mean, damn, I came pretty close just there, but, honestly, what are my chances of writing your name down anyway?

And note how this went from talking to you third person to as if I was having a conversation with you…

Gezuz Kriest, what am I supposed to do anyway? I can't confess my undying love for you, or something (undying? I wonder if that's the right word) because I still don't know if it's a passing thing or not-granted it's taking its damned time going. I mean what has it been, four years? Well, let's be a loser and figure this out. The war ended, what, seven years ago? It was a little more than that, but its close enough, so lets say 8.3 years, just to be tricky (well, 7.3 if you count the Mariemaia Incident). Back then I admired you…a lot in fact, borderline crush even. After the war we all split up, you did your little-actually if I say that it would be obvious who you are… I went back to help [erased with the yard and repairs and so forth for a few years. Sure I thought about you from time to time…

Actually it was part of the reason I never seriously met her advances, which in turn was the reason I left the 'shop'. Of course, as soon as Une found out I was instantly 'recruited'. Before I had time to realize what had happened I was in full uniform with a small box of 'necessary' articles to be put on the desk opposite yours in the small room. My desk, as it now was.

Truth be told I wasn't sure you worked for Preventers; you'd mentioned it a few times. But still, there I was, clunky box in hand door closed behind me by the giddy sadist-of-a-woman who managed to somehow force me into working in the first place. I don't know if you heard, but on her way out she patted my shoulder and said "good luck" either you've scared off lots of partners before (and by this I mean the office type and not the romantically-involved/bedtime-pal type, cause I really wouldn't know that) or that somehow she knew that I used to… or rather did, have a pretty strong crush on you. I mean, I must have stood there for a full half an hour before you looked up and asked "Are you going to set up your desk anytime soon". Same 'ol you, man, hah. But seriously, it was stifling to be in that room with you. I hadn't known seeing you would have such an impact on me like that.

Damn, and there I was trying to figure out how long I've….well…loved…………………. You… but… uhm…. Damned… my heart is beating really fast right now and all I did was write one simple five-letter word… that was hard… Granted it's harder to say than to write, but, yeah. War was over for eight-or-so years depending on when you count the end. Was 16-ish then…stayed with Hsmudgeer for about three years, but I don't know how long I was with her when I had noticed, or rather she noticed, that I was thinking about you more that I had used to… but now we've been in the same office for almost four years. Damn. I don't think you even have a clue how I feel either. Now that's a let down…

Reading back over this I highly doubt at this point that, if found, anyone could have any doubt in their minds who this is and who I am talking about. Gezuz. But all this did was make me … okay, so it did make me feel a little better. I'll admit that, but it doesn't change the fact that in the real world nothing has changed.

I'm going to go take a shower now… all this thinking has made me tired…

See you at work tomorrow, man.


	2. Entry 2: I! AM! AN! IDIOT!

Duo's Journals

Entry 2: I AM AN IDIOT!

I have decided that I am the lowest form of scum on earth, yeah that's right, me. Scum, but not ordinary scum, the worst in the world, no the UNIVERSE! I tried not to show my annoyance at myself in front of him but, regardless, I still feel like the crap at the bottom of a huge pile of craps. In other words, I'm not happy with myself right now. Damn it! And he seemed so upset, it was brief but it stabbed like poisoned knives!

And there goes my last chance to ever make things work with him. I've officially made my life unbearable. And things were finally looking up (actually, compared to my youth it had been 'up' for a while) but no, Duo Maxwell ruins his life once again!

Alright, now in crappy movies and stuff (everything seems pretty crappy right now, probably because it has to deal with me) they always say what they did to make them all upset or whatever in these things right?

Damn! I haven't written lately because, quite frankly, things were going pretty smooth. We went to a bar a few times the past few weeks, hell, I even got you to go to a club with me, I mean, really. I was happy; you seemed to be having fun. Hell, life was great. Then I fucked up.

I don't even know why you liked that thing so much! Damn it! Why would anyone put something like that on their desk anyway! I bet you some chick, or the love of your life gave it to you right? Or worse yet, someone who understood you, or cared for you or who died during the war, or something, right. Yeah it would have to be something important like that for you to have reacted so poorly. DAMNIT! I told you I was sorry a million times, but I couldn't get that look out of my head. I wanted to say sorry a million more times.

But you were fed up with my 'overreacting' and left the office. Again, proving how useless annoying and despicable I am. Sally even asked me what the Hell I did to piss you off so much. Something like "I'm used to seeing people leave the office when they couldn't tolerate him, but this…is unusual. What happened?"

Congratulations self, I am the only person in the world whom he cannot tolerate. Alright, so maybe I'm being a little harsh on myself. If you couldn't tolerate me I'm sure you wouldn't have gone out those nights the past few weeks with me, but right now I just feel like you only did it because none else can bother be around me when they are just with me. You know? No one seems to be able to tolerate me when it's just me and them, there has to be a group for me to 'operate' properly or something. That's nothing new, so I guess I might have gotten a bit needy when you actually seemed willing to go out and do stuff with me, someone who actually seemed to care enough to deal with me and just me, no large crowds; which was even more bewildering because we are VERY, very different personality types. I guess that was part of the reason that it was so fun to do. I mean, I have to admit, we did get into some very interesting conversations. Sure the alcohol could have had some affect on that, but still, it was fun….

Wow listen to me, do I sound like the King of Depression or what?

Tomorrow I'll just have to go in, apologize calmly and ask if I can make it up to you somehow.

I just don't get it though… how long was that on your desk for? I don't remember seeing it there before, but it looks so… familiar… I don't think I have one… but in any case I am really sorry, and I promise to make it up to you... somehow.

----------- -

I called Hil. What a help she wasn't. I think she was laughing at me behind my back as soon as I hung up (I just get this feeling she was).

Said the only thing to do was go to work tomorrow and apologize, offering if there is anything to do… basically what I had already planned to do.

----------- -

Just to prove that I am the biggest idiot in the United Earth Sphere Unified Nation, I want to recap how today went:

Walked into work- fairly calm, mostly mellow.

Walked into office, he was already there. Said "hi" and paused.

You sighed, then swiveled in your chair-and apologized.

I was frozen, but finally asked why, but you continued. "I shouldn't have snapped at you like that. You have to understand though, I knew you were sorry. You needn't say it five million times, there was still work to be done…and I felt bad for snapping, so none of it got done…"

"Yeah… same here. I was going to apologize again, but I guess I can skip that part huh? -- if there is any way I can make it up to you…?"

"Duo, just sit down. We're both a half day behind on work now."

"It would make me feel better if I could make it up to you."

Silence for a while and he just looked at me, thinking, I guess, then shrugged. "I guess you'll just have to wait a few months then."

Intelligently I replied, "Huh?"

"It was the first birthday present I had ever received, Duo, and clearly you are as numb-skulled as you're acting because you were the one to give it to me four years ago."

And there you have it folks, (not that there really are any 'folks' of whom I am addressing) I am a ninny. A very big ninny. I think I've been braiding my hair to tight lately…or something… yeah, I'm going to go sit in a dark corner so that my intense blushing will act like a lamp…

I think I was red for a good half an hour after that display…thank God no more work came in… I guess they figured it would take longer for us to forgive each other than it actually did…

I still can't believe myself… Gezuz…


	3. Entry 3: Date?

Duo's Journals

Entry 3: Date?

Alright, so we go out, right? I men, not on dates, heh. Hmm no... this is.. I'm confused, lets try to gather m-thoughts. Right. So we go out to bar or club from time to time after work share few beers an walk each other home, we live kinda near each other, and we both go everywhere armed so walkin' a'night's no problm, even for someone who appears more stickly than he is and 'as REALY long hair….

Wate.. maibe I should write this when I'm … sober... hold..

later…..

------------ -

Alright, scratch that... hmm. Kay, so I got a little intoxicated, seeing as we usually don't get drunk at all when we go out, tipsy maybe, but even then not really. I don't know what was into me it was... Ok, so basically we both got wasted… I won't beat 'round the bush, and I will admit I have a nasty mother-fucking-ass-of-a-bitching-headache right now. But that's all good and fine, at least I still remember what I did. Nothing bad. We went to a new place, it opened last month and we've been saying we should go there and see what it was like. I still can't decide if it was a club or a bar. It was a weird mix of both, but not cause it was a club with a bar, the building was split, or something. Iunno, other than first impressions, anything other than what was going on in my immediate 'environment' was totally forgotten. We managed to buy ourselves this private booth thing, just the two of us right. We sat and stuff, we wanted to try the place out, so we figured, you know, "might as well try out the thing that makes 'em different from anywhere else, right?" gee Who coulda said that. He agreed anyway and so we sat in the booth, actually a nice size, booth isn't a good word, it was basically a room with one table and two chairs and we served ourselves drinks from a minibar. If we wanted anything special we just called the 'front desk' or whatever term they had for it.

It was nice we spent the first few hours just falling into our usual routine, right. I mean sure, we work together and see each other every week at some bar or another, but somehow you... not that you really say much, but we always seem to communicate just fine anyway. I mean, I can ramble on for hours with you saying no more than "aa" or "hmm…" or some other one or two word sentence and we can still make a totally complete conversation. People in the past have wondered how we do it, but frankly, I don't see how we do either. It just works. You understand me, I understand you, it's all good.

At 11 we were about ready to pack up when you got a call saying that the 'project' or 'assignment' or whatever word we use for it now, was concluded without hitch- a rarity indeed- and that there was no need for us to come in tomorrow, so we stayed. After about another 45 minutes some GENIUS (me) decided, "well they gave us all this alcohol for a reason, might as well not let it go to waste, right?" That's when things got... interesting. I think we were even singing bar songs... it was wacky. But fun, in some twisted way. Though I have to mock you, in comparison, your tolerance sucks. Heh, but it was great anyway. I wonder if your hangover is any better than mine, I did... sort-of finish the other third-or-so of the whisky-thing myself… took me about a gallon of water this morning to re-hydrate myself, in case you were wondering, I think I'll tell you that on Monday when we go back into work, hah!

But really, I don't think we've ever, shall I say, 'bonded' like that before. We were totally open, and, though I don't think I can write them down here, I learned a lot about you last night (I guess technically it was this morning… the only morning I saw at all today was before I went to bed, Gezuz I feel like a teenager again suddenly!) I'm sure I spewed a lot of stuff too. And it's not like we angsted out on our pasts, but just… I got to know who you are, or rather, who you wish you could be. I never knew you were so afraid to break the rigid structure you uphold. You know, the world won't collapse just 'cause you didn't say excuse me to a stranger one day on the street, or something… well whatever.

In any case, I think I love more of you, now that I know that there's more of you out there I don't know about. I mean, I liked you, I was interested in you when I thought there was some secret to you, now that I know there's truth to my hunch of oh-so-many-years I feel like... I don't know… more drawn to you than ever. It's amazing. Of course I won't tell you it in those words per say. But regardless, man. It was a great night out. I'm glad it was you that I spent it with. And I'm going to thank you, later, when both our headaches ebb a bit, how 'fucking amazing that was' (those will be more accurately the words I will use). Next time remind me to drink more water…

And a random question directed to myself... should I grow a mustache?

Mmmm, no. I think not…

Beard?

That's tough…


	4. Entry 4: House

Duo's Journals

Entry 4: House

Damn, I actually am glad I have this thing to rant in every now and again, granted I don't do it often... Anyway, to the story-telling!

Okay, so it's been known at work lately (the past few weeks actually) that I've been complaining about getting tired of my apartment and stuff. I mean I don't go off on a rant about it any chance I get, but if someone asks "hey, how's the home front" or a bunch of them start talking about their apartments/houses or whatever I mention that I'm growing tired of living in an apartment, sure I've used the phrase 'dingy little apartment', but in actuality my apartment is rather large- five rooms, and is not dingy… I just… want more. Human nature I guess.

Though, I will also blame human nature for this, but every time people talk about how they 'think she might be the one' or about their kids I get an INCREDIBLE pang of loneliness. I think of you every time, and then for some reason immediately after that, think of how it's never going to happen. Talk about teenage angst right? I'm not even a teenager anymore, what gives?

But yeah, so apparently word about my restlessness about being in an apartment has been getting around and on occasion people have come up to me and asked particular questions about why I would like to move, or if I was able where I would move to. Funny thing is I usually answer "I don't know" or "I'm not sure yet, I'm just tired of an apartment, I want something that feels more…permanent" and it's the truth. A condo, a house, maybe I just need to find a good house to lease, right? Though I don't have the expenses for that, yet.

Maybe that's why people get married before they move into a house, so they can pay for it, right?

And then today, before we leave, I remember because it was about the only time today that I saw you - seeing as you had all those runnings-around to do to finish that review for Sally. But in any case, as I was packing up to leave and you had just come back into our office and saw that I was about to leave. You put your stuff down- I remember cause it made a huge clunk noise. I waved and said something like I usually do so that you can't tell I like you, but I can and tell you to your face without having you catch on "I'll see you later" "I'll call you about" whatever, to me it's just short of saying "I love you, and look forward to seeing/hearing you later/tomorrow". But today right as I turned and almost opened the door you called me. I turned, I wasn't anticipating anything, I was just surprised, usually when one of us leaves it's the same ritual: "bye", "bye", door closes.

"Duo, is it true that you are tired of living in an apartment?"

"Hmm? Yeah. It's odd though, cause usually when people ask me why I would wanna move somewhere, shall we say 'more permanent', I say I'm restless. At least that's how I feel, you know? I dunno. Usually when I say that they reply, 'What? You're only 24, how can you be restless, wait ten more years'. I don't wanna wait, you know?" sighing I continued, "I just don't think they get the whole story, you know. I grew up different then them and all…" I leave it at that and I see the pain I know means you can relate.

You're silent for a while and I wonder if my statement, my truth, which in all honesty I doubt anyone other than the other pilots would truly relate to, has answered the question to your liking.

"I see" You say. You say it so plainly, but I know that means you're thinking up a storm. You're not monotonous, as everyone seems to think, you just have a much calmer way of talking. Or maybe I just watch your expressions a little closer than most. You look down as I made this mental note and then look up and continue, thought chain clearly over, "I understand what you mean. I can relate, in a way. It's just - a house, Duo? That's too expensive for one person."

Briefly I wondered why you cared, but instead teased, "Aww, whassamater? You could always live with me and we could split the cost, eh?" It was just a tease, even if it would be nice, but in stead you look at me, then to the side-wall, a habit you might've picked up from me, I think. (Of course when you left your head turned slightly to the wall as your eyes looked at me with the makings of a seductive and evil smirk on your face, I wonder where else you could have gotten it from)

"Oh? Was that an invitation."

"Only if that's how you took it man" I throw back with a slightly more intense version of the same look. This sort of teasing has been happening quite frequently now-a-days, actually. But only when it's just us in the room…

"Accepted." He said and grabbed my jacket, taking it from my grasp. "I know, though I doubt I'm the only one, that knows you are by far, not an idiot-"

"Gee and with all that 'baka'ing-"

"Just listen!" he said as he walks over to his computer which humms to life when he touches it, I swear all the computers in the world purr to smudge Him. Dude, almost wrote his name! I walk back after him, seeing as I can't leave without my jacket, it's chilly out there man!

"Okay, okay" I reassure him.

"You are not one to make empty statements."

"Oh really? How would you know, huh?" I wink.

"You would most likely have searched and found something better, am I wrong?" he continues and takes a seat at his desk.

"As in 'have I done house searches for things in a reasonable price range'? Of course"

"That's what I thought. Any of them match these?" he asks and swivels slightly in his chair to look at me as I look at the screen and reach around him- shortest distance to the mouse, since I am behind him- to scroll down.

"Yeah, quite a few actually, why?" I say and look to him. We are barely a foot apart but, as much as it makes me tingle, I would never do anything based on love or lust alone. At least not if I can't tell if he'd mind…

"They are in order of preference. Any matches?" he ignores my question.

"Uuuh" I mumble scrolling, there aren't too many, maybe twenty on the page and I select one about a third down. "That one was about the same on my preference list as yours until I saw it, it's nicer in person."

"Hnn? You actually went and looked at it?"

"Don't do anything half-assed in life, name"

"(some word in his native language) Duo. You are a piece alright."

"What am I a piece of?"

He doesn't answer right away.

"Gold."

"Scuse me?-"

"Mind going to look at it with me? We can talk logistics on location," he ignores me again and, getting up now, folds his computer and grabs his coat, and the things he always takes home to bring in the next day. And starts to walk to the door, handing me my coat.

"Huh?" BLANK STARE

"I told you, I accept. We'll see what we can do. Come, I'll walk you to your car. When should we go?"

And etcetera.

I think that was a pretty damn accurate retelling I've written here. It also makes this my longest journal/thing letter/entry thing ever. GO ME!

So yeah… there is now a very real possibility of me living with him sometime in the next few years… talk about unsettling! But it also is exciting, you know? A HOUSE, and also with HIM! GOD my insides are all squigglies right now!

That was today. We shall see where things go now.

And was it just me, or was he flirting back? Sometimes I can't tell if he's joking or teasing or if he's actually feeling what he says. I wonder if he thinks the same about me?


	5. Entry 5: Happy Birthday?

Duo's Journals

Entry 5: Happy Birthday?

So we went to the house today, and by we I mean - there's really no point in hiding it any more, it's so obvious at this point - Hiiro and I went to the house I had mentioned was nicer in person, the one that was about a third down on his list. He agreed with me, too. And considering the whether it was very cozy inside. Amazingly the family remembered me from the last time almost a month ago, either they haven't had many bites, or I'm just really recognizable.

They gave me a rather odd look though after they saw Hiiro. I guess they assumed we were a couple, not that I mind entirely, just that it's not true - yet. Though I do hate it when people treat gay or lesbian people differently, maybe that's because I am pretty gay, or at least have a gay interest, myself, but still.

Anyway, we looked over the house, I showed him the floor plan, I tend to have a photographic memory for things like this, and showed all the things that either needed fixing before the prospect of moving in, or what could be fixed after. I think the house was fairly old, so there were a few big concerns that I ran over with the homeowners as Hiiro took a look for himself after I gave him the tour. Of which he came over and asked a few more questions. I think they were startled by our attention to detail, but we can't really help that, we were trained to think all that shit could cost us our lives. Needless to say we got the cost of the house to go down remarkably, I guess even they didn't realize how much needed fixing, or perhaps they were just using a higher bid to see what they could muster.

As any good sales people, they didn't talk about other deals until they thought we got too low, Though I think we were more than reasonable, and we were going by Preventers standards, which are quite higher than typical standards of living/working/business care. (The again, that's because Wufei reformed it to be that way, with Quatre's professional assistance, of course.)

So we have a probable contract drawn up, nothings settled for sure, me and Hiiro still have to clear out our respective apartments and see what we have to do about moving out, I've already paid the next two months rent and I'm not one for wasting money no matter what (blame my upbringing if you must). Besides, they need some time to do the work we've stated needed doing.

Seeing as things had been working out so well, we decided to hit up that bar from a few months back, granted, I didn't let you know I remembered your birthday is in a week. I do still owe you for the mug that I gave you and then broke on accident. I do find it hard to believe that you are 'older' that I am. I mean our birthdays are completely artificial, but still, we needed to put something down as the date on our birth certificates and ID's (which didn't exist until we were 16).

Back to the same booth we went too. Granted, I think we got drunk a lot faster, but possibly not as long- granted we both passed out at my place. I don't even remember walking home, I wonder if you do. I don't know what it is but something, in the corner of my mind tells me that... I don't know. I feel like we did something Not. So. Platonic. I would've noticed if it was sex when we woke up, as would you (kinda hard to miss that when your drunk and two men). No, we woke up clothed, and although I had a headache I thing you were using me as a pillow or something on my couch (maybe as a mattress also)

But something… something makes me think we exceeded regular friendship. It's a thought, a feeling, like a touch, maybe a taste… Is that it? Did we kiss?

I wonder if you remember… I almost can see you testing a drunk me for answers. I won't lie regardless. I'd be so vulnerable when I wouldn't remember a thing.

So Hiiro, do I ask you, or wait a while?

_Paz __Note: Technically speaking, if the name 'Heero,' as it's pronounced, was to be properly spelt in romanji, it would be 'Hiiro' or ' Hiro'. I prefer the first romanji spelling above, so this is how I spell it._


	6. Entry 6: The Art of Being Us

Duo's Journals.

Entry 6: The Art of Being Us

Alright so we went into work today as usual and start working… not the same as usual… we kept talking about the house and how - if - we can do it. Granted we can more than definitely afford it, especially after the family helped us out by lowering the price, but I'm not sure how we can fit all our stuff together. I mean face it, I am American and Hiiro is Japanese, granted both colonists. Our stuff doesn't really match all that well. He's used to his way of living and so on (though I am very interested. His apartment looks so cool, and organized that it intrigues me). I on the other hand… I'm not a slob, and I don't gather as much clutter as any normal orphan who, through some grace of God, managed to get a proper living. That of course doesn't mean that clutter doesn't exist, just that as a kid when I though about what it's be like to have money, well, I imagined a lot less floor and wall space to occupy.

We talked about that too. We had an interesting debate about what 'clean' meant. Of course Mr. Dictionary quoted something like "a surface clear of all dirt and debris" and I, curt as ever, replied that my collectables are not 'debris' but rather what the space was meant to be covered by. It was interesting. And by that point all our 'talking' was no longer in the office, so a bunch of people in the halls were chuckling at us, God knows what about. Maybe they're all happy that they don't have to watch another person clear out the desk next to Hiiro's? Lets hope.

Anyway, we decided to get together some night this week. I suggested his birthday, since its still that week, (GASP! Two Entries in this book in one week!) granted I didn't say "HEY LETS DO IT ON YOUR BIRTHDAY!" but more like "well my schedule looks open on Thursday night, Friday night or Sunday all day..." while knowing full well he had a late meeting on Thursday, and he liked his Fridays left to relax after work. Apparently he was on to me because he gave me one of his smug "I'll kill you" smiles, the kind that is like ' what are you up to' as he answered "Sunday sounds fine..."

I acted natural- as in not, and replied "Well come on! It's your birthday, and I'm really only free those days. And it should be soon, right, I mean- we're moving into a house! I think that is important!" Of course we were in the middle of a crowded hallway when I said this. Dude, he can move fast when he wants to. I got stuck answering all the 'Wait you were serious about moving out of your apartment?' and 'You and Hiiro!?' and such questions.

It made me smile so much you have no idea. I have no idea where you ran too. I only saw you hiding in the office when I got back, jumpy too, like you thought I was someone about to talk to you- well, I was about to talk to you… But I mean as if I was someone else about to talk to you. Seeing as you're only social enough to talk to about 10 people on a friendly level- much less at a time. Haha.

I am bemused. Please don't get upset when I tease you tomorrow.

I don't even know why I wrote this… I guess I was just thinking of you and was like 'that was funny lets write it down! You were quite cute all day though. And I don't think you've ever called my name so many times before… 'Scuse me as I blush. It wasn't even as if you were like "DUO! Do this" or "DUO where's this" but like "Duo, how are we going to fit this in the house" "Duo, I've never lived with someone before, so don't get to mad at me if I'm rude" or "Duo I…" which intrigued me most as I dropped you off at your apartment, because you looked away a moment then back. You shook your head and said "Never mind".

Then I drove home. And found myself thinking about you until now, five hours later. I once wondered how you work... Now I think I just appreciate, or maybe admire it…Life's funny like that, isn't it?


	7. Entry 7: The Switch

Duo's Journal

Entry 7:

After much debate and discussion Hiiro and I have come to a conclusion about packing. I hate it at the same time I like it, but hopefully it will make things go by faster. Hopefully. Though I have to admit, I'm really uneasy about it, and I'm the one that suggested, well, pushed it, really... I'm even a little unsettled to write about it, but in any case, we've decided that to reduce clutter, we're going to pack each other's stuff, as in not our own stuff.

In order to make this a successful mission, we've decided that the only way to know what it'd be like with each others stuff when we finally do move in, we have to live with that stuff before its all together.

Now here's where I read that and go, 'the Hell was I trying to say?' But basically this all means that for a tentative week (we might extend it to longer depending on our workload, I mean, if we're too busy working, how're we going to interact with the stuff?) We are going to live at each other's apartments. Weird, I know.

I usually give him a ride to or from work, saves the two of us a lot of money that way, but when I went to drop him off today, well, lets say I went to the right place, which in this case was the wrong place.

"Um. Duo, am I driving your car home tonight?"

"Damn it! Well, we're here… You might as well, just be careful- what am I saying, you're Hiiro. Of course you'll be careful with it."

"Maybe just to spite you I'll crash on the way to your apartment."

"Please don't, I'd cry," I replied with sarcasm twisted into the phrase, of course I'd panic more about him then the car, if that were the case, though I do really love my car… But he didn't need to know that, so I didn't say it.

So basically what I am experiencing right now is culture shock. I mean, I've been in here before; we've only been working together for four years. So it's only natural that I've been here before. Oh, and seeing as I, again, haven't written in here recently, Happy 'Birthday'. You're twenty-four now…Makes me feel kind of old, granted I'm 'younger' than you. But still, where'd the years go?

Any-who, back to what I was writing- I've been here before plenty of times, but it felt different when you were here. I feel like I'm violating your aura, and your personal space - which I guess I am doing. I mean, I know where all your dishes and stuff are, where your Laundromat is, how to use your iron and such but… We didn't exactly remember to bring our own clothes with us… Though that'd probably be a little weird if anyone asked us in the parking lot… I mean it makes me tingle to know I'll be wearing your stuff, but it also makes me feel… dirty. I don't know. I guess I'm just weird or something.

So I'm here, sitting on the chair I've always teased you about being great for beating someone over the head with. I think it is about as painful to sit in as it would be to beat someone with. I think we wont keep this. I hope you don't use this thing. It's awful. However the 'Sex Couch,' the one I like to crash on - you know that green and brown one that would be great to sleep in, or make love in and then sleep in? I always did like that couch, it's so soft, and plush. And I like your reaction when I call it the 'Sex Couch' because I don't think I've seen you give that calm half-smile to anyone else. But I think we should definitely keep it, that little antique brown lump of a couch across from it though… It, sadly, has seen better days, and probably a very long time ago.

WOW, if I start making my list in this thing I might ACTUALLY remember stuff! And we never said we had to show each other our notes, just our results.

I really can't stand this chair Hiiro. I'm sorry. I think I'm going to go kill someone with it at a pub downtown just to get rid of it…

**0000000000000000000000**

Shit... I sat on the Sex Couch and fell asleep… Now there's a big blotch on the page… And my face, but that's a little less permanent (unless I burn this)…

Ah, well, I guess I don't really have anything else to say… except "Where do you keep the soy sauce?" hard to make the dinner I planned without it… And by-the-way, you need more snacks man, not crap, like candy, per se, but a little granola bar here or there would be nice to have. I might have to give you some of your food… I don't even know what some of that plant stuff is (much less if it's a fruit or vegetable.)

Hope you're having as awkward a time as I am, because if your not, well, that's not fair.


	8. Entry 8: Pants ha ha!

Duo's Journals, by the Paz of Enai

Entry 8: Pants… hah!

Alright so it is day two of the adventures of Hiiro and Duo's switch places. Actually, funny story about that. Ok, so I was- actually, I think I'll start from last night… this is all so interesting, not so awkward anymore (granted it has its moments). Where did I ever get this idea from? The Hell…

Hiiro, your pj's are adorable! Never would have imagined it, but my God. They're FUZZY! And really warm! Which is nice, since it's getting cold, I like how your bed is right under a draft also, but maybe you couldn't tell or don't care about that, anywhoo. So you're pj's were divine, if I had a little less self control I think I coulda had an orgasm just putting them on.

Back to the funny story. So this morning, when I was being reluctant to get out of you way too comfy pj's and into the shower I noticed, 1) we use the same hair cleaning product, granted, you don't have conditioner (major suckage on my part) 2) apparently I'm skinnier than you. Oh wait, the funny story hasn't happened yet, damn, I'm such a bad storyteller, even to myself! So anyway, when I was getting into some of… your clothes (That sounds so bad! The dirty feeling is back!) I noticed that you're clothes (the pants mainly) were a bit too big. You don't have many belts. I realized, when scrounging for a belt, that- GASP- there's no way you're going to fit into my clothes if these are tight fitting on you (and seeing as I'm a perv- I should slap myself- I've noticed that you don't ever wear a belt) So, as I had finally found a belt I hear a ring on the doorbell-comm thing (I never was sure how to categorize those things) and of course it's you!

"Duo… Uhm... I need some pants…"

"Yeah… I figured… I'm gunna need some belts"

There was a lot of interesting commenting that went on thereafter, there's no way I'd be able to do it justice here, we had a good morning, and since you were already here we had breakfast together, which just made it better.

"You like that shirt, Duo?"

"I guess, I kinda just picked it out at random, that's what I usually do. Why?"

You did that cute little shrug of yours (is it okay to call you cute- o wait- how would you know haha! -) and replied "I don't really think I wear it that much. I have a habit of wearing the same few outfits over and over again."

"Really? Never noticed, you must just pull it off well" and I gave you one of those teasing winks that makes you chuckle every time.

Work- nothing special there, except the fact that it's how I get paid and all… Looks like it's going to be a busy few weeks though.

------------- -

I think that was the most crooked line I've ever drawn…Ah well it's still a page break right?

So anyway… there's this thing in your closet that's for holding shoes, right? How come there are towels rolled up into it? I mean, I know it's small… But you have four pairs of shoes scattered about next to it. I don't get it… It's like "Over here you see the organization of man in its most civilized form, and over here…wilderness has taken over" your room has a mosh of entropy and order within 5 inches of each other. I guess when you're at home you don't care what it looks like. It's good to know you have somewhere to unwind. I can only hope you still feel free to do that when we move in together…

On a different topic, actually, back to your bed. I've decided that it's not very comfortable, but on the other hand, I'd feel really dickey telling you that you can't take it, I mean, what options are there… I'm sure you wouldn't want to sleep in bed with me (my beds so soft and nuzzlie) It's not like the bed's hard, it's just…not even, I guess? I mean I've slept my fare share of nights on hard surfaces, though I am older now and I'm sure I couldn't handle it as well as I used to, but something's just uncomfortable about it.

Oh, and your shower curtains, they make me giggle! Duckies! Hiiro has DUCKIES on his shower curtains! I'm sure they were on sale, but it's still SO CUTE! Man, if you were a little kid I'd be pinching your cheeks! But, I won't…

More later on your stuff… A lot of work there is to do (GACK) I hope I get time to do nothing and anything next weekend (it's so far looking bad in that prospect…)


	9. Entry 9: Hassles of

Duo' Journal's

_Paz Note: Disclaim, though I'd like to think that I own Duo's soul, his creation is not mine, nor is GW or anything else for that matter, for I am a poor college student, of art, no less._

_God._

_Damn._

_It._

Entry 9: Hassles of...

Well there goes my weekend, and here I was planning on having a little fun going through Hiiro's stuff. Suckage. I have SO much work to do. Don't get me wrong, it's not a mission or anything, no, no, I wouldn't have minded that AS much (granted I still would have minded it a bit). No, rather I am stuck here doing corrective paperwork. One of the n00bs messed up some of my old work and, when being taught how to fix it, corrupted it even more, by (story/rant time):

1) Deleting half the file on the computer and not remembering WHAT section he deleted.

2) Corrupting the hard drive so they couldn't retrieve the saved old version. They went to not save it and somehow he figured out the 'self destruction/implosion' code instead. (Preventer Computer's aren't run by standard OS and software because it'd be to simple to hack or ruin, so we have it on command only basis… VERY SIMPLE… just this poor guy…)

3) When going over the paper file to re-enter the data, spilt coffee all over it… Talk about bad luck… for both of us…

He's so clumsy, aurgh! And other such sound effects! I almost feel bad for him now. No one in the office has ever seen me explode before. I usually manage to get home before I break anything… Oh well… It wasn't my vase anyway… (That's so mean of me to say, I know, but I'm still angry) After grumbling in my office over the hard copy for about three hours I realized the futility in trying to decipher it and, in my rising anger in realizing that I'd have to rewrite the whole thing from memory, threw it at the opposite wall and promptly punched the door, hard…

My hand will heal… Unfortunately, I almost broke your nose… Good thing you came not a second earlier. I would have gone from complete anger and general violence to complete regret-and maybe self loathing-and sorrow.

Also known as, not a good day. Want to know more? I'm still at work. Want to know the time? 4:30…Military. I'm NOT a kid anymore I shouldn't have to do this! I can't do this. WHAT THE CRAP! GAAAAAA…. Okay, break times over, back to work… Only seven more topics to cover.

I must get it done tonight. I want my weekend DAMNIT! I have work to do!

----------- -

Okay… Just as a side note, I let Hiiro drive my car home last night so that at least HE could get some sleep… He also woke me up when he came in… He told me to go take a break and get some fresh air. I refused, naturally, as I wanted to get my stuff done…

Then he gave me this look… and I could do nothing. He told me, calmly, but in this way... I don't know how to describe it… I don't know what it was. Was it anger, or worry or-?

So in any case I left and promptly heard him tidying the mess of thrown and torn papers, my chair having been discarded into a corner at some point, being replaced by Sally's (though she probably doesn't know I broke into her office, and wont if he returns it quickly) and went outside and, per his suggestion, to the coffee shop across the street. Out of habit I took my bag, the over-the-shoulder one. I got used to this for two reasons 1) I don't like leaving important things anywhere, I still cant get rid of the feeling that someone's going to steal all my stuff for no apparent reason, and 2) this book is in it, and I want NO ONE to know what it contains.

The Chai is really good here… though I don't think I've ever had bad Chai tea…

I'll just sit here and cool off a while. I think that's what you wanted, right. I'll be back before you think I should, I know.

My neck hurts. I guess that's what I get for trying to pull an all-nighter and falling asleep like that.

I'm sorry if I upset you... I- I didn't mean to… I hope I don't always let you down like this. And I'm sorry you had to see me like that yesterday… I'm sorry you agreed to live with me, because I'm sure you'll see it a lot more.

Hiiro, I'm so sorry… I really am.

I just can't help it. I feel safer around you. I want to open up to you, even though it hurts some times (or most times). I want you to know who I really am, but I'm afraid that you'll hate me for it. I know we have our pasts, but… Can't you be my future? Why can't I ask you in person?

I love you, and it hurts more all the time. I wish I were braver. I never was good at this sort of thing. They say it's because people who grow up alone, orphans, can never fully depend on someone ever again, we are less able to learn, or are illiterate (I mean, I was illiterate until G forced me to learn, he forced me to do a lot of stuff that, in the long run, I'm thankful for). The statistics show we stay in crime, are violent, we have harder emotions to control. I know all this is true about me; I know it's there, I think I'm just really good at hiding it. But I want to be able to depend on you. I want to.

I really do…

I just want you, but I'm to afraid and stupid and unworthy, to get you. But I still want you. I can't help it. And I'm still sorry. I just wish I could tell you to your face and not in some God-forsaken book. A book I'll never admit the contents of, more likely than not.

I'm so tired…


	10. Entry 10: Why Her, Why Now?

Duo's Journal's

Entry #10:

Why Her, Why Now?

All right, so the Incident, as it shall now be referred to as, with the n00b- Jason- was bad, but we got that worked out all right. It took some persuasion, but I calmed and apologized to all, and even paid Kim to get herself a new vase.

So tell me WHY is it inspection time NOW?

I can NOT stand up for Relena at this point… It will NOT do. I know she'll criticize every damn thing about me. I've noticed that over time she's become crueler and less discrete in her disliking of my overall character. I know this is true. I don't know why, I've been nothing but civil towards her…

I have things I need to do. I have to make up for the lost time of that corrupted report; I have to FINISH that report. So why now?

Relena, I officially hate you. And I have it down in writing to boot.

Weekend? I'm thinking no. I'm thinking we're going to have to extend our 'house swap deadline for a few more weeks…

I'm thinking the family is moving out of the house in about five weeks… if we close…

I'm also thinking that we don't officially have to move in until the end of the paying period, which for me is another 2 months because my landlord is weird like that and makes you pay in chunks.

I'm also; also thinking I want to throw my desk chair out the window. Yeah, and maybe the glass falling everywhere will kill some guy on the street, that'd be ironic. I'd laugh.

I'm thinking there's something mentally wrong with me.

I'm thinking I need to get away for a while.

I'm wishing we knew exactly when this week 'it' was arriving…

------------ -

I wish I had known she was coming in today… I'm glad I put this thing away before she propped her head in. First thing out of her mouth, you ask? "You, where's Hiiro"

"Like I should know. I'm not his secretary, we're both busy. Go find him yourself for once." Yeah, I'm in a bad mood, and she _just_ happened to be there to tear on.

"Good to know you're in a good mood. You're true colors shining through."

"I've had a tough week; I don't need to hear it from you right now, Lena."

Then she did that nose-scrunch thing of hers that I always wanna laugh at. She looks like a chipmunk when she does it, I swear. I managed to not laugh until she left and shut the door. I personally don't see what's wrong with the nick-name 'Lena', but I guess I'm not her? She reacts the same way every time.

You came in not much later and I asked you if she gives you the same crap and I think you shuddered.

"You get it easy. Try being stalked by her for nine years and counting."

Then I shuddered…

In any case, I've given up on being able to get everything done on time and, per your persuasion, am going to try and get a decent amount of rest. I hope I don't make you stress out so that your hair falls out, man…

So I just got home, it's ten pm on a wed…

I have my car here for the first time ever…

I don't feel like eating… Did I even eat lunch? And did I ever eat more than just that bar for breakfast? Today has been another jumble… And to think, yesterday all I had was that chai tea and some granola bars…

This is getting bad, Duo…What would Hiiro think… I don't want him to worry... I'll do better tomorrow...

Is it bad to know the only way I can convince myself to do anything is to wonder what you'd think if you knew?

This thing is getting more diary-like, then journal-like these days, huh?

Oh, that was a yawn, bed time. This is to hoping I have a better tomorrow than I've had yesterdays (recently especially)


	11. Entry 11: Whoa?

Duo's Journal's Paz Enai

Entry #11-"Whoa"

So I made sure to start the day off right; I made me a nice egg concoction and toast. I had orange juice too, but I don't like this kind. Apparently-there's pulp in it- eww.

Knowing that I couldn't not eat at work today I decided that I should take some food in with me; I had the sneaking suspicion that I wouldn't be able to leave my office due to my workload. I took a bunch of small tomatoes (I'm not sure what the difference between grape tomatoes and cherry tomatoes is, but it was one or the other) and baby carrots because those are so yummy and they're (both) actually really good for you. I also took some granola bars, but that's because I don't want my body to go into food-shock since those bars were all I'd been eating lately and then suddenly throwing this in this other stuff... You know how it is-- when you don't eat for a while and then one day you try to eat a lot and it makes you feel sick. I was trying to prevent that… Didn't work as well as planned, but I guess it worked a little.

Anywhoo, I was getting ready to drive over to your - well my - place when you called to let me know you weren't going to be able to come in today. I thought that was weird so as soon as I got settled and got some little things done at work I called you... at my apartment. (I was halfway through calling your place first, until I realized that no one was going to be home.)

No one was home there either though, so I tried to do other stuff for as long as my impatience would let me, before I called again. I didn't leave a message though, because I didn't want you to think I was stalking you… or something. It was at this point that I remembered you had a portable phone (pat's self on back) and called you at that.

I know it was on. It rang the right number of times before flipping to voice mail, you know. You screened me out, you bastard! Anyway I figured that you must've been healthy and just had some running around to do. Granted I had no idea what, and without your car, much less, 'cause last I checked it was still parked in lot for your apartment.

Work went by amazingly slow without you. I was actually quite surprised. I guess I was just waiting for you to come in and kept watching the clock; it's not as tolerable to do so much work without you around, surprisingly.

Then I came home, to your place, I figured once I got in I could call you, right. Hah, like there was a need.

Apparently today was my birthday.

And you remembered, but I didn't. Funny how things work out like that, huh?

As I was entering the apartment, I found this Japanese-style letter and charm on the front door. As I was trying to figure out what they were doing there and opening the door I realized that I was smelling dinner from within the apartment. Gee, dinner can't cook itself; now can it, so I looked up startled. Not only were you kindly dressed down for me in a short-sleeved shirt and nice taught jeans, but there was a dinner that had to be fit for a king. Probably took you all day to cook it (which might explain why you didn't answer the phones). I also saw my birthday gift, which I kindly shared with you and caused us both to zonk out on the Sex Couch for a while.

I woke up at two in the morning to realize I was using you as a pillow, so I got up and laid you out on the couch and covered you with a blanket from your bed… But alas, I couldn't go into another room after that so I have ended up sitting on the floor watching you sleep until now.

---------------- -

And I guess you woke up after I fell asleep on God-knows-what, because now I'm on the couch, it's almost eleven and you're getting tea ready. I think I should make breakfast, it's only fair right? Leftovers it shall be. :D

One other thing, how'd you know I'd like the vodka? I guess all those trips to the bar a while back did some good, eh? We should start doing that again...

Oops, time to hide this XD

--------------- -

_Paz Note:_

_Uhm, in reviewing this I have learned startling things!! Apparently, according to absolute anime dot com, Duo's Birthday is in February… (making him the second oldest Gundam Pilot)… But according to the same site, Trowa is two years older than the other pilots, and uhh, I'm pretty sure everywhere lists him as 15... soooo…?_

_My excuse is that Duo never __knew__ his birthday, so when all the legal documents that need to exist for you to count in society were made for him by, I assume, Preventers they just made him up a new one…_


	12. Entry 12: Week's end

Duo's Journal's Paz Enai

Entry #12- "Week's end"

_Disclaimer: I own jack shit, if even that. Why? I am a poor college student, want proof? I'm an art major, the poorest of them all! _

_Also, PLZ review if you read. I'm starting to think I only have a handful of readers, and two of them are my friends... If people don't tell me what they think, how am I to know if I should continue. Tell your friends, I like to feel that my little 'journals' are making someones day (or ruining them, if they're that bad), or just that they're being read at all. It's not like it has to be poetry, one liners are appreciated too :D. It's my only request. On to the fic!_

* * *

The week ended up not being that bad after all. Sure I had a lot to do, I worked into the weekend though and it all got done. Relena sent me an angry e-mail about her visit to my office, but I only had to read the first line before I realized it was the EXACT same email she sent me after the last inspection. I bet she has them saved on her desktop or something. 

My after-birthday day was wonderful. You called us both off duty before I even woke up. It was nice, we just sat around and watched crappy TV shows, laughing the whole time. Daytime TV is awful! I now know why people refer to it as 'background noise'. And here I thought weekend and evening TV was bad.

That was of course Friday. It was nice and quiet, but not awkwardly so, just, nice.

Any way, after digging through everything I own yesterday (Saturday) at my place, with you telling me to stop making a mess the whole time, I found my own personal 'backup' (if you can call it that) and figured out where it held the missing pieces of the report that had been corrupted; so that worked out all right in the end, as well. I decided to work there though. It's getting cold fast and I didn't feel like going back to your place. Rooms always feel warmer when you're in them with me. My - well your - apartment would just seem to cold.

You didn't seem to mind too much though, so I guess it worked out. It was nice because it was like a regular work day; we were silent most the time with just the random blurbs of conversation to make it all more manageable. We should work together more often… it almost makes me wish we could go off onto a mission somewhere together, but neither of us are signed up for that stuff, so I guess not.

Hmm... I'm not getting anything done, now am I? I'm just sitting on the SC and thinking of you, I don't know if that's a wise decision on my part, being the namesake of the couch and all. But I can't seem to help it... I mean.

Who woulda thought you could cook, right? That dinner you made me was amazing, I finished any and all of the leftovers completely by Saturday afternoon, and there were a lot of them… I guess that was just your way of making sure I ate, after all that had happened last week... or maybe you just felt like making me dinner for the Hell-a it, I don't know. I guess it doesn't matter… though I can't seem to help but think about it anyway…

And Saturday… I don't get you man, and it makes me smile, because every time I think I can predict you, you throw something awesome and random and great at me.

God, I love you…

I just wish I wasn't so caught up on the words to tell you.

* * *

I ended up having most of today free, right? So I decided to go through your stuff, sounds bad, I know. But I haven't had much time to decided what to and not to take to our house, whenever we decided to actually move into it. I guess I should talk to you about that, huh? 

You know what, there's no order to the way I've been doing this, so let's make it easy.

The no things and why:

Wall rack- uhm looks like it was from a bomb shelter and quite frankly I don't see what you can fit in it other than a few letters - laying flat... plus it looks like it's been dropped about a ba-jillion times.  
Shower caddy... thing (?)- first hint is that I have no idea what it is, second is that it's broken... and therefore can't hold anything anyway... It looks like there was once a handle, but it's gone and so is what appears to have once been a side-wall.  
Mattress- as I've said before, it's not comfy. I'll spot you a new one; it's really in your best interest… unless you do as I do and sleep on the SC... But in any case you deserve better.  
Shower head- I don't think you can take it anyway… so I guess it doesn't matter.  
Antique couch- I've mentioned it before; its seen better…years: it's lop-sided, permanently dirty looking, smelly and so forth.  
'Kitchen' chair- the one you can kill someone with by making them sit in it, I've mentioned this to you before too, though.

Uhm, the rest is more personal preference stuff, and it'd be easier to explain that in person, I think? But I don't like this criticizing your stuff... and things... so in any case I'll stop.

* * *

Crap, got called into work... yeah, it's Sunday night, yeah I'll be there until tomorrow morning… craps. I think Relena might have sent her 'comments on my performance' to Sally… I just have that sneaking suspicion that I'm in some kind of trouble… I am not thrilled. 

Well, wish me luck… book-ey? Wait, what? Why am I asking…?

What the hell, like a book can wish me luck; I think I'm going insane.

I'm out… I think I need to give the writing a rest for a while…

* * *

_You all know you talk to inanimate objects too!_

_indeed! I am going to be discussing, maybe (soonish XD?) with daemonlight how to go about the Housing situation (seeing as she is starting up Hiiro's journals-and I don't want all her journals based off mine and so forth)_

_Uhm otherwise that's it.. wish me luck on my midterms! Paz_


	13. Entry 13: Well That was Unexpected

Duo's Journals Paz Enai

Entry 13 "Well That Was Unexpected"

I was right about Relena having sent a report to Sally. Fortunately for me, Sally is awesome, basically. In order for her to 'observe my interactive skills and rate my ability to perform my duty properly' she asked, as in I wasn't even forced, if I could help her to organize the new filing room with her for Monday (today). Long story short, we had a lot of fun at Relena's expense. It's amazing how good someone can look on Vid and broadcast, but as soon as you meet her in person she is… well you know. I don't feel like ranting now, so I won't.

Funny thing is that just last night I told myself I needed to take some time and not write in this for a while. And here I am, the very next day.

But that's because today was just… surreal. Goddamn, it stings more than I thought it would. Just proves that it's been a while, hmm?

Sally and I, as planned, had just finished everything before the rest of the staff came in. I went out to get us hot caffeinated beverages at the café across the street while she started an E-mail to the Peacecraft-Dorilan woman saying she had "analyzed my interaction with coworkers and found me fit to work", or whatever pretty words mean the same thing. After I handed over her drink of preference, and she had me proof read her e-mail, I headed back out. Just in time to see Hiiro glare murder at someone and slam the door to our office shut.

Well that's weird, and all. I hadn't seen him that angry in a while, and so I was a bit startled. I asked what happened quietly but either no one was sure, or they were too afraid to talk. I walked into our joint office and closed the door quickly to avoid unwanted onlookers. I didn't say a thing. I figured me being chipper would just make him feel worse, so I let him be.

All was well for most of the day, until he had to leave to go photocopy something, or at least that's the only reason I could think of him being by Ted's desk, since its right next to the copier.

I can't believe how close he came… I don't know what was the matter, but Hiiro was actually yelling, or rather, talking in that loud clipped way that means he'll kill you if you don't comply. Ted was trying to argue with him, though, I was too far down the hall to hear it clearly. All I could hear was Hiiro telling him to "Just do what I told you to. Now!" And so forth. Ted apparently really didn't want to and started cussing at Hiiro.

Word of the almost wise; don't cuss at Hiiro if you value your life, especially if he's in a _shitty_ mood.

I saw the fist; I saw that predictable twitch of his brow. And the next thing I knew was I taking one HELL of a punch in Ted's stead. This momentarily stunned Hiiro, realizing that he'd missed his target. Ted was terrified and backed away. Apparently no one was sure how I'd gotten from our office door to in front of Ted so fast. As soon as they started to mutter, I saw the expression of Hiiro's that says 'don't interfere' quickly replace his surprise.

Knowing what was likely to happen, and feeling a bruise form on my jawbone, I grabbed the wrist of the fist that'd hit me and, firmly, dragged it, and the rest of him, to our office. I shoved him inside ahead of me, but didn't let go of his wrist. I made sure to slam the door loudly behind me and backed up close to it so no one would be able to enter, and faced Hiiro.

Yeah, he was pissed, but I've looked into his pissed eyes before, no biggy. I was still holding his wrist though.

"Look, Hiiro. I don't know what's the matter. I won't lie, I'd really fucking like to know, but if you aren't going to tell me, there's nothing I can do about that. But please, don't take it out on everyone else."

It was an order, not a request. And yet he still hadn't tried to rip his hand out of my grasp.

"I'd like to think could tell me, I mean I'm only like your best friend and all…"

What I did next startled him again. I pulled him closer and let go of his wrist, to free up my arms to embrace him in a hug.

"But even if you don't wanna talk, I'm here for ya, okay?"

He was stiff, probably not sure how to react, or maybe uncomfortable, but he didn't pull away. And then, amazingly his muscles relaxed… and he returned the embrace.

This is where I was stunned, but Hell, if he needed comforting I couldn't think of anything better to do, so we stayed there, standing about a foot away from the closed door for only God knows how long.

And then we both jumped, at a mere knock at the door. I turned my head around to look at the door, losing my hold, and looked back to him. He just closed his eyes with a sigh and nodded, heading back to his seat. He looked tired, and down, but not violent anymore.

It was Sally, coming to check on him, I assured her that he was fine now and to let him be for today. As a result, I ended up doing a number of favors so he didn't have to deal with anyone and they didn't have to deal with him. So other than the one incident, the day was fine.

I just wish he'd told me what the matter was. I wept for him on the inside, I still do now, even if my jaw hurts something fierce, at least it's not bruising too badly. Though it hurts to talk, a big Duo-problem there, but I'll manage...

My poor Hiiro. What's the matter? Please open up to me? Just a little?

I love you; please don't leave me out here like this?

It's been a hard day on my spirits. I'll try to rest now…. Closing day for the house is in … what a month? That should be interesting. And we're going to be busy again next week…

Please take up my offer to call me or stop by if you ever need something… I know you can't hear me like this, but…


	14. Entry 14: Closed And Down for the Count

Duo's Journal Paz Enai

Entry # 14

First of all, happy belated New Year.

On to the important stuff.

So, like I told myself to, I took a break from this... for a whole fucking MONTH. I started to realize that this was getting to be a problem when I started getting withdrawal symptoms… What a great accomplishment, Mr. Maxwell. Congratulations, you're officially addicted. Though in my defense, I have to admit, spilling my guts like this does make me feel better. Though I'd like to think it's only making me braver in, hopefully, telling you the truth someday.

All-righty then. That's enough angst for today.

And while we're on the topic of today, we closed on the house today (and by today… I mean last night). That couple must have been _desperate_ to sell that house the way they were pushing us to close faster. But, Hell, that's okay by me, and I didn't hear Hiiro complaining much either. It was nicer, and a Hell of a lot more affordable, than most of the rest of the houses we saw. The deciding factor was that it was one of the few Hiiro and I actually _both_ liked. Needless to say, there's no turning back now that we've closed, hm?

I was a little too excited though, and Hiiro had to keep kicking me under the table to remind me to chill. But don't get me wrong, by 'kick' I mean more like 'nudge', it's not like I'm all black and blue, after all, he still feels bad about the punch. So that went well and, if I am able to read his expressions what-so-ever I'd have to say that he was just as excited as I was, in his own way of course.

So what does he suggest? And better yet, what did we do?

It's pretty obvious ladies and gentlemen, indeed so.

We bought a bottle of vodka and soda pop, champagne and wine coolers, just in case, ya know?

Needless to say, they are all mostly gone now, I think all we have left is a few wine coolers and about a third the vodka… and a lot of the pop.

This is where my heart skips a beat. You know how, a while ago, I though that maybe, _possibly_ when Hiiro and I got drunk we kissed?

Yeah, about that. If we hadn't then, we most definitely did now. Yeah… Don't get me wrong though, it's not like I took advantage of him piss drunk, I wasn't much better off than he, but for some reason I happened to remember this time. He probably remembered last time though, if not this time as well. But I've made up my mind _not_ to tell him about this. After all we just closed on the house, and if it was just how he gets when he's drunk then… I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable living with me.

I know, I know, I'm just making this harder for myself. Yeah and the angst (it's so sweet and cute when you read it in a story but as soon as it's real life it's just a pain in the ass, ever notice that?) won't be much fun either. So kill me because I'm too nice, or something.

But let me just say, granted I mighta already been a bit numb from all the alcohol, that was one hell of a kiss… Actually, truth be told, it was more of a make-out session…

Ahh, it was one of those memories that you treasure for - all intents and purposes - ever.

This time we managed to make it back to my apartment (as in the one he's staying at) and I woke up on the bed, of all places. Though I was pretty sure the kissing session happened more in between the kitchen and living room. Not sure how we got to the bed after that, the rest of the alcohol musta hit my system hard after that.

Though, if this is any sign of my self-control, when I looked us over when I woke it came to my attention that we're both fully clothed (he's still sleeping as it's only half past one). And yes, that's a good thing. Having sex with your best friend on the night you've just closed on a house you'll be living in together would _not_ be a good thing. Not at all!

And that concludes this edition of Maxwell's Adventures!

Paz's note: This is what Duo is calling the adventures of his life, not "me" Everyone does it once and a while; make their life sound like some big adventure, and we all feel like characters in some fucked up drama. This is Duo's.

_As a side note, all the parenthesis in my stories are the char's thoughts and talking, my notes are only at the beginning and end._


	15. Entry 15: Dilemmas are an AssRape

Duo's Journal's- Paz Enai

Entry15

Dilemmas are an Ass-Rape

* * *

Well, we closed on the house. Yup, and the family will be gone in about a week. However, some otherwise pressing matters have reared their ugly heads in my mind, if that makes sense. 

I've noticed something about Hiiro that I've clearly been oblivious to all this time. I won't lie; I'm American. I find it almost natural for Americans to be selfish, obnoxious, stupid and oblivious at least once and a while, if not all at once.

Hiiro's obviously Japanese. A culture that, in comparison, is subservient, calm, quiet and intelligent. Me being the dominant loud asshole that I am just do whatever I want under the presumption that if I did anything that Hiiro didn't like he'd tell me, like any of my other (American) buddies would.

This is when the little light bulb in my head went, "Oh. Wait a minute..."

That's right, even I can think sometimes. Actually, I was practically hit over the head with the evidence, and that's when I put the pieces together.

Hiiro doesn't like alcohol. Or rather, I don't think he does. I'll get to that in a second though. The reason for the introspection comes first.

I woke up well before Hiiro yesterday (yes, it's only the next day, shaddup. I can't help it I write a lot now…) and decided to hop in the shower before he awoke, or at least clean up. So I got up and went into the bathroom, freshened up, but didn't shower. Showering would mean that the perverted freak in me wouldn't be able to look at the reflection of Hiiro in the mirror as I washed my face and fixed my hair.

Okay, so I've had this crush on this guy for a really long time, right, and I always knew he was _attractive_, but watching him sleep… He's so… Cute. Needless to say I lost track of what I was doing and it wasn't until the sink was practically overflowing that I realized it. That woulda been a shock - bare feet meet hot water. So I quickly finished washing up what I could, rummaged though my crap in the medicine cabinet for my old brush, and quietly walked back into the room as I started to detangle my hair.

The detangling is so second nature that I was able to just take a seat on my bed and watch him a while (it didn't last too long though, unfortunately). Upon closer scrutiny, he didn't appear to be all that happy, especially for someone who was sleeping. His breathing was heavier than I think I've ever heard it before. Then again, that could just have been my imagination… or from sitting so close to him without his conscious awareness. Unconsciously I had started to lean closer to him, so when I saw his eyes flutter the first time I jumped a little.

I don't think he noticed. He opened his eyes more fully and sat up with a slight groan. I was facing him, but tried to look like I was sitting there without any ulterior motive - like watching him sleep - or anything. I must admit, however, my libido was being a slight pain. Watching him, and listening to him had just sparked something in me. Then that groan he made as he sat up. I won't lie, I was a little turned on.

That doesn't mean I was about to do anything about it.

He looked over to me, nodded a g'morning and then walked to the bathroom – after grabbing some comfortable clothes from one of my drawers. Unlike me, he showered. Feeling like it would be to awkward, and to deter any naughty thoughts on my part, I went into the living room and flicked the TV on. Knowing that I wouldn't watch it I went into the kitchen, TV still on but with the volume low, and opened my fridge to see if I knew how to prepare anything for the morning. I was about to make sunny-side up eggs until I remembered him saying something about not liking eggs unless they were mixed into things, like batter so I decided on pancakes instead. I got the ingredients out and onto the counter just as he returned from his shower.

He had off today, I didn't. Only at the Preventers can you have a 'regular office job' where you don't have regular work weeks.

So, now that big tangent comes to fruition (what a waste of paper, Mr. Maxwell!).

He was very silent the entire morning. I got ready and took some clean clothes out of the closet (it felt like I was invading his privacy, even though technically it was all my stuff anyway) and was about to walk out the door when he stopped me.

He still seemed unhappy, which was why I left him to himself most of the morning, I just assumed that it had to do with his hangover.

Nope.

"Duo, do you… You can take the leftovers home with you. That is, if you want to."

I was confused at first, so he explained by taking out the vodka and wine coolers.

"Oh, what, you don't want them? Save 'em, if you can't finish them we can do it some other time."

"No. It's okay, I'd rather you take them. I won't drink them…"

Then he gave me a look. I was confused the whole way to work and all afternoon as to what the look meant. It was frozen, like he was an old vid-chip that had an electronic interference in it and paused momentarily. Like someone who's just suddenly woken up, or suddenly become inebriated. Like a cold shower you don't expect.

Confused, I realized later. Confused and like he'd just made a huge mistake.

Like admitting that he doesn't like alcohol.

So why has he been getting drunk with me all these years … I don't get it. Naturally, my mind wants to say, "Because he cares about you, loves you even." I begged myself to be more cautious. I don't need to be heartbroken, I'm too old for that (though at this point I guess it's inevitable –unless he shares my feelings after all).

I mean, the first few times I mentioned the bar he seemed _hesitant_ but he always agreed after a while. And it wasn't like I pestered him. I asked once or twice. If he didn't like to drink he could have said so, I would have understood. I mean, the only reason I ever suggested bars in the first place was because I thought it was a place where people can go to wind down and not have to worry about what anyone else thought. If he'd told me I would have come up with some other way to spend time with him.

I mean, I'm practically infatuated with him… (Okay, so according to the dictionary you can take 'practically' out of that statement and it will still apply to the current situation)

Insert the "key command" for sigh (even though this is handwritten)…

I feel like such a ripe old ass now.

And stunned, or confused, and regretful…

Hiiro

Duo out

* * *

_Yaaay for finals week and moving out now (insert sarcasm). This, by the way, would be everyone's favorite Paz Enai procrastinating on the HW that is due in .. oh :looks at clock: 20 minutes. So you better enjoy it!_


	16. Entry 16: Emo?

Duo's Journals #16 Paz Enai

Emo?

---------------- -

So at work today Hiiro's acting exactly as per his effing usual. Nope nothing at all strange going on here! I should have expected it, with his discipline and all, but I'd hoped that after that little 'slip up' he would have decided to tell me something! I'm starting to wonder if I'm just thinking to hard into this or if I just made it up!

It's so frustrating. SO SUE ME that I just care about the guy! I feel like I've been dicking him around all this time now! Come on Hiiro, throw me a damn bone! (insert whining!)

I want you to open up to me, how many more hints do I need to give you?

For the first time I wish I could cry over things like this! I swear, this is really hurting me and I don't get it! I care about you, Damnit! I want to be _able_ to do more than just care. I want to have the ability, to be _allowed_ to help you when you need it. Why are you so… closed up? You aren't alone, and you don't need to be, and I don't want you to be, and I don't want to be, and…

It's not fair, to you OR me.

Wow… I really think I might cry. What's wrong with me?

I guess it's mostly 'cause I blame myself for convincing you to drink for... however many occasions that I have over these past near-five years. And also because I have a lot of the regular work… and possibly because I'm a little not-so-sober...

Mmmhhmm

Woo… no more writin' fer me till… till I can see… straight…'gain…

--------------- -

That's the first time in about … since I've come to Preventers that I've gotten drunk alone…

I can't tell if that's good or bad.

On the good, I didn't drag Hiiro into it this time (though usually we drank for celebratory reasons). On the bad, I did it because I feel bad about how awful and insincere I've been towards him, and that I got drunk alone which is one of the most pathetic things in human existence…

Oh the pathetic angsting sorrow of, as I believe it was once called, Emo.(1)

I don't know what is wrong with me! He never told me anything about how he doesn't like it, and he acted as his normal self at work today. Not even a mention of anything out of the ordinary. The only thing that even came close was, "When do you think we should move in. I was thinking two weeks, but it might be too late to get that time off now, even though we may only need the Friday." Yeah, that close, I know.

If anything, I was the one who was out of character today. I doubt everyone else noticed, but I think he did. I mean, it only showed in my eyes. I guess I was a little more upset, or confused today.

Then again I only assume no one noticed because no one said anything to me about it. In actuality, everyone could have noticed, but were to shocked and off-guard to know what to do.

That seems to make more sense, doesn't it?

I should apologize to him. I'm not sure for what though; how I acted today, or how I made him drink all those times.

Maybe I'm just jumping the gun here… I mean. He didn't downright state that he didn't like the stuff, right? Just that he wouldn't drink it. Maybe he just doesn't like to drink it alone and I've just been over-reacting this whole time.

And as much as I wish that was true, I can't help but not believe it.

It's about time for me to do something constructive with my life, or day, or whatever.

But, what is there to do at two-thirty AM on a Saturday?

----------------- -

(1) THIS IS THE FUTURE! So 'today' is the past for them. Like how in the last chap I used a 'vid-card' and not a CD or some such thing (like a broken _record). _ Oh, I am SOOO swift :D


	17. Entry 17: No Naughty Thoughts Here Nope

Duo's Jounral's Paz Enai

Entry #17

No naughty thoughts here. Nope. 

AAAHHH!

There is so much to be done it's not even funny. Oh, and by way of apology, I haven't written in here much, I've been concentrating more time on trying to figure out what to do with my life. I mean, it's not like I'm going to leave Proventer, because I have no idea what else I'd do for a living, and I've been here for almost 5 years now…

But in any case- NEW HOUSE! Moving is no fun at all. Needless to say, I have lost myself in boxes. I never realized how much of a pack rat I was until I had to pack up my possessions into such confined spaces.

Hiiro and I, thankfully, helped each other out in the packing department. We did this for two reasons; his contract expired before mine does and so I had free time to assist him move in and then he return the favor and second, because we'd been living in each others environments for a few weeks now and had a fairly good understanding of what should stay and what should go.

I broke the news to him about how I couldn't even tolerate sleeping in his mattress and offered to spot him a few hundred dollars and he told me that my salvaged couch/shuttle bench had to go. Those were really the only things we fully disagreed with each other on. I told him that I was sure if he slept in that bed that he'd develop back problems in the near future, but it is _his_ bed, after all. He, on the other hand, WOULD. NOT. RELENT. About my couch. Sure, I found it in a scrap yard. Sure, it used to be a cargo ship passenger row. I think it's comfortable, and besides, I miss being able to make shuttle deliveries (or just regular space-travel in general). And it reminds me of flying.

I wont recap the whole argument (because it was volcanic in proportions). I will say that I don't care what he thinks and that at the very least it'll be going in my room. So HAH. I'm not getting rid of it. Period.

Woo, now I'm all worked up.

I should be tired.

It's three AM. I am sitting in my now almost completely empty apartment, on a Saturday (morning obviously). I am so up on adrenaline though. He left half an hour ago saying it was time to take a break all that sweating and working is "making you irritable" and by 'you' I'm sure he meant 'us'.

I'd go scrounge for something to do… but… all I have left is a few clothes items, my bed and (all empty) dresser, bookcase and computer/video/stereo/something-a-rather shelf. So over-all, there is **nothing** _to_ do…

Well, at the very least I seemed to have remembered that my work bag had this schnazzy little book in it, So I guess there's at least this to keep me occupied for a little while. That and that I've completely forgotten to write in it for about a week and a half…

Oops?

God, I have way to much energy for this time of day! The Hell?

I think I'll go for a jog around the neighborhood… and then shower… and maybe (?) then sleep.

Oh, by the way, even when irritable, a sweaty Hiiro is… Mmmm.

But I shouldn't be thinking like that before I jog. Nope, not at all.

Stop it mind!

God, but seriously, what I wouldn't give to-

That's sick, Duo.

-out, before I creep _myself_ out (or worse)!


	18. Entry 18: Messes, the Old Fashioned Way

Duo's Journal by Paz Enai

Entry 18

Still Moving the Old-Fashioned Way?

* * *

So I've concluded that it takes more effort to move that its cracked up to be. No, not the part where you put stuff into boxes, that parts a cinch. It's the part when you have to open the boxes, take out the contents and go "Why the hell was my toothbrush in with my A.C. 50 Space Tanker collectables? And why were they in with my car's driver manual, and my poly-fiber holiday wreath…?"

And so on, and so forth.

Yeah, I have no idea what/if I was thinking when I threw my shit into the crates, seriously. I can't seem to find any logic to it, and I performed the action. So, naturally, when I stare blankly into the contents of each and every container that has left my previous dwelling, I can feel your cold stare on the back of my neck, mocking my blunderbuss packing skills. It's at these moments that I wonder if you're (still?) mad at me for one of the many things I'm becoming paranoid about.

I also don't know if your still bothered by the fact that I refuse to get rid of my shuttle bench. I tell ya, in five years or so those things'll be in high style! Am I truly the only one who realizes their greatness? I fear so, what a pity.

In any case, almost all the major furniture is where it needs to be, with the exception of the Sex Couch, which we are still debating the exact location for. We agree with living room, just not layout.

Like previously mentioned, we are unpacking boxes, and like I mentioned the other day, I have a lot of crap… and to think how much crap I threw away (it was all for the sake of the mission-I must convince myself that it was for a greater good).

I still can't wrap my mind around how my toothbrush ended up in this box. I was so pissed when I couldn't find it yesterday - no – two days ago, that I just up and bought a new one. I'd assumed I had accidentally thrown it out. Oh well…

I've noticed that I'm more of a night owl than you are. You go to bed anywhere from 45 minutes to 4 hours before I do. Granted you also get up earlier than I do, as well as require less coffee to be rejuvenated. But maybe that's just because of the work to sleep ratio we've had with all the moving going on.

In any case, I'm up, shuffling through boxes and making a right mess of the foyer/hall-thing and you've disappeared into your bedroom about an hour ago. It's cold in here too. With such an old house it's a little drafty, and because we're kinda not-rich we don't want to push our luck with heating. Which now places me surrounded by crap, in a hallway, sitting cross-legged and wrapped in my navy-blue comforter at two fifteen in the morning. A pretty image considering that not only have I not showered since 7 am but also that my hair was getting so frazzled I had to take it down, making it appear more frazzled – but less bothersome.

You kind of gave me this look when I took it down though. Of course that could have just been because I was using a very colorful description of it and all of its evil glory. Then again, you did seem more like you were zoned out than here at that time, so it probably had absolutely nothing to do with either.

And its now the time that I realize (after realizing and forgetting from earlier) that I do, in fact, have work tomorr-today. Shit.

I am off to bed, then…

And so NOT tired, too.

But what about this mess…

* * *

_Paz's Aside_

_I was having way too much fun with this chapter and totally, again, neglected to first send it to my beta.. But I'm having fun again, and I really do owe it to my readers after such a LOOOONG-ASS wait..._

_CH 19 is sure to follow::EEVIL LAUGH:  
_


	19. Entry 19: Meet Inner Maxwell

Duo's Journal by Paz Enai

Entry# 19 : I'd Like to Introduce You to Inner Duo

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ever have one of those days/weeks/months/years where you just get to a point and ERUPT?

I'm sure you know what I'm talking about, at least on some intrinsic, subconscious level. Then again, you've taken it out on other people before as well, as I can recall. Nailed me in the face as a result.

But Duo Maxwell would never take it out on other people. Never. Right?

Like Fuck He Doesn't.

Where the Hell do people think the God of Death came from? Do you guys just assume that I thought it sounded cool? Most of the time, whether you guys realize it or not, I say this shit for a reason.

You know when I find some n00b and just pick the shit out of him or her? Its - well partly because I think they need it to be able to survive here - but mostly because I need someone to take my rage out on before I make it to Bad Shit Happens Phase (BSHP).

_Dear Mr. Yui,_

_I'd like to welcome you to BSHP 101. Your instructor for this course is Mr. Inner Duo._

_This course will entail:_

_Learning to control the Volume Intake Settings of you inner ear_

_Understanding the repercussions of talking during an outbreak_

_Increasing your Reflex Ability in response to Projectile Stimuli_

_Learning where 'hot spots' are and what type of materials and object to not place in them_

_Proper action during 'cool-down' time_

_How not to cause relapse_

_Please have all course material in time for the first class and come on time. Tardiness is not accepted. Remember to treat your professor with respect and don't hesitate to ask questions after a lecture. After hours tutoring sessions are available upon request._

_The Dean of School of Hard Knocks Behavioral Division,_

_Mr. G.o.D. Outer Maxwell._

In other words, when I come home, drop my stuff at the door and scream at the top of my vocal allowance YOU DO NOT ask me what's wrong. You just don't. You don't look at me. You don't get worried or defensive.

When I walk into the next room over and pick up things off the nearest surface you DO NOT make a noise or follow me. You do not pick up or catch the things I kick or throw because it ruins the point. You let me go until I find something that makes a satisfying noise or something that breaks.

You do not yell at me for punching walls. There are only two ways to make me stop that; See Above.

You do not check up on me WHAT-SO-EVER once you get the picture to leave the room the first time. Why? Because it makes me angrier that someone has seen me in such a state and therefore increases my out-going anger. And, since generally the anger increases faster than the person can leave the room, I get even angrier that someone has seen this new level of Pissed-the-Fuck-Off-dom. See the cycle?

In other words, let me be until _I_ give you to OK to approach me.

Aren't you glad we moved in together?

I need to scream again.

Or break something... mostly break something.

Yeah...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_Paz's aside_

_Am I a bad person for finding way to much humor in this installment? EHH hee hee!_

_  
i am a bad person... i once again have nt Beta'd... I hope my beta isnt getting left out ;;?  
_

_I need to write the next chappie now XD! I also need to stop bding so physically in pain-dom... but that's unrelated.  
_


	20. Entry 20: Left Inside

Duo's Journal's by Paz Enai-kun

Entry **20**!

Left Inside

_WHEEE HOO! 20th ANNIVERSARY! (It only took me forever! If you can even call it an anniversary). So, uhm.. on my firefox, the page breaks don't work...  
_---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

..So…

Now I feel awful.

It's been just two days since my little outburst. And I am growing in my regret of it. Or just discontent. Or anger. But something, definitely something.

I've never regretted an outburst before. Never ever, in fact, I'm usually glad that I finally got whatever and everything out of my system. I feel better and seem to be more outwardly cheerful for a few days. People have even asked me "Why so cheery today Duo?" I never have a good answer because, well, no one ever believes me anyway and I'm sure that if I said "I broke my vase today and I just feel so glad my hand didn't go with it" people would refer me to seek psychiatric help. I do not need that... I just need to get things out of my system... fast. Projectiles happen to be pretty fast.

But no, this time was different. And I regret it. And that totally ruins the point of letting it all out. I know I'm being irritable. I know I'm zoning out and not paying attention. You know why? Because it didn't all get out. I was forced to hold some in, and some was forced back in.

Yes, I'm displeased.

Why did you have to be home anyway?

And why do you have to always look at me as though I'm going to snap and burn the house down? This house was too expensive to ruin already anyways.

Stop asking me how I feel, or if I'm all right. Stop asking where I am going every time I leave the office or house. I NEED TO GET AWAY. I need to cool off. Stop reminding me to take my coat also. It ruins the whole 'cool' part of 'cool down'.

I am not insane.

Stop it.

Why can't you understand that I don't want to talk about it?

Rarely do I not talk, so when I don't why cant you leave me be?

I thought I was annoying when I talk anyway.

Since when do you care?

I find it hard to believe that you are concerned.

You're as cold as stone, I thought.

Leave me be in silence…. well, relative silence.

Silence from talking, anyway.

And stop trying to knock over the sound of my music. It's really throwing off the beat…and my concentration on nothing... on death.

On trying to let the last of it out.

Stop making this difficult.

And stop looking at me like that.

Just stop.

Stop the thoughts in my head too.

They need to come out. All of them, all of it. Everything.

Your eyes are like glue on my thoughts.

I'll gouge them out if I have to.

The thoughts.

Your eyes.

It doesn't make a difference to me.

Stop looking.

It almost makes me think you can see.

I hope you are blind.

I can make you blind.

I'm not cut out for this kind of working…

It makes me… me again.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_Paz's notes._

_So I am entirely evil. And this chap does make me feel a little bad for the chars.. but then I remember that I control them and I am forced to release an evil smirk. An evil smirk of.. uhhh… hope... yeah... kee hee hee._

_Gives you all Evil Smirk of Hope. X)_


	21. Entry 21: Redness all Around

Entry 21:

Redness all Around

You know there's this old song hat I can't help but think was supposed to be my prophecy. It's called The Red. Let me summarize my interpretation of it for you:

I have a mask

I wear it all the time

Every now in then

The blood-soaked part of me leaks out through pores and I cant help but hating

Hating myself

Hating others

Hating you - when clearly all I feel for you is love.

My love is tainted. It becomes lust under the red, far stronger than it would otherwise be.

I'm forced to hurt myself to prevent me from doing you ill.

Don't worry. No blood. Blood would be invisible within the red anyway. No, I need to find thing's I've worked hard for. Things I treasure.

I destroy them. It hurts me, and it makes me feel better. I didn't deserve them anyway.

I ripped a picture of you today. I worked hard to take that picture. It was a time when you didn't know I had a stealth camera on me. You smiled. I saw it. It was slight, but it was there. And now it isn't.

I had all this self reflection, all this loud music, all this ANGER let out of me these past couple of days… you made it slow… I know there was no way for either of us to know the outcome of us living together like this.

Why wouldn't you let me be? Why wouldn't you let it out?

I didn't go to work today. A first, since I worked for Hil after I practically cut my finger off that one time.

I haven't eaten in about 48 hours, maybe longer.

I didn't let myself. I've gone for longer, granted years upon years ago, but still.

I'm so drained.

I'm supposed to be rejuvenated after letting it all out. What the crap?

I want to cry. But I can't. I'm not able and I'm not allowed. I don't want you to see it either.

I want to run. Run away. Run from the red. Run from you. Run to you.

I want to bury myself in your embrace.

I want to force the red onto you.

It's all your fault.

Why is my love always tainted?

Though, I suppose if it hadn't been tainted at some point, you would have died like everyone else in my past.

…?

My music just stopped. I didn't turn it off…

Actually… My alarm is off too… What the crap?

Great, now our house has faulty wiring?

Shiiit.

I guess I should go check that out. I doubt Hiiro's awake anyways. It's only 3:30 in the morning, after all (to remind myself, I'm writing in the dark. Maybe I'll go blind and never have to see his eyes like _that_ again). Tsh, I haven't finished moving in yet either…

* * *

Wow, so it's been a long time people. Hasn't it? 

I am soooo sorry. Life's been… well... life. Forgot My Ffnet password and the likes…

And left this off at a BAD PLACE as well, She-it!

After rereading it I just couldn't help but writing up another chapter to go with it.

Also, I'm pretty convinced that deamonlight will never write another chapter of Hiiro's Journals… So uh… Sorry. Maybe In time I'll do it myself…


	22. Entry 22: Darkness and Light

DJ 22

Entry 22:

Darkness and Light

* * *

Sometimes I wonder…

And sometimes I just plain don't understand…

An enigma? An anomaly? What the hell are you, Hiiro Yui?

Something else, that's for sure…

I want to write down what happened these last five hours… But I don't know how… I have no Mother effing idea how… but I'm fixated. I can't put the pen down. What are you trying to write brain?

What on Earth-and-all-it's-Unholy-Colonies just happened?

I wish I could draw, because seriously, I'd do that right now and maybe it help me understand. Like, seriously.

I really feel like drawing now…

Ahh Hell.

Picture

I cannot draw.

For shit…

Or even a reward. Give me a reward and I bet I still wouldn't manage…

But that helped a little, I guess. So I'll start explaining what happened.

Let's start with:

Hiiro is a dick.

I guess, if you put it that way, so am I. Except I'm a douche and an ass… I guess everyone is a little of an ass though.

Anyway, No, there is not faulty electricity in our new house.

Hiiro just turned off all the fuses (or at least the ones in my room, the hall and kitchen- where the fuse-box is located.

As soon as I got into the hall I knew he was in the kitchen, I mean, be a thief for 15 years and you kind of know your way around in the dark, right?

I'd half turned around to go back into my room when he called my name. Not loudly. Actually, it was almost a whisper, but it felt like a shout to me, what with his tone and all.

So instinctively I froze. "Danger! Be silent!" my internal Wild Creature shouts.

Neither of us move for a full minute (not that I counted –cough- ).

He stirs though, after 61 seconds, gets up, walks to where the hall meets the kitchen and stops. He didn't bother to turn the power back on though. I guess he knew I'd feel more comfortable in the dark. Or maybe he was afraid that if he turned his back to me I'd bolt. He might be stronger, but I'm much faster, and I have a 10 foot lead to my door. Granted, he could probably kick that in if he wanted to…

He must have leaned against the doorjamb-hall molding-thing or something, cause I hear fabric on wood noises and he sighs.

Still no words though.

I am impatient.

So this is starting to bug me.

I turn around and face him. I know it's dark and all, but I give him the "You better make this worth the harassment or I'll disembowel you" look.

I think he gets the vibe, or aura, or something.

"You told me a few weeks back that you wanted me to be able to open up to you. That you're there for me."

Brain's churning. But there's no follow up.

Is he actually waiting for a response from me?

"Aa" –oo role reversal!

"Then why doesn't that apply to you as well?"

Aaah, silence- I hate it.

"Mm" is all I say. Role reversal, all the way. Non-committal Duo - frightening.

He sighed again. I hate it when he sighs. It means that something's not living up to his expectations. What expectations could he possibly have of me?

"You're not going to are you?"

Nope, Mr. Talkative isn't in right now. He's partaking in some intense bondage. No way he's coming out for a while longer. Even though it was actually a question, usually when he asks me things like that he says it as a statement. I'm getting all this special treatment!

There's that Damnable sigh again! I think he starts to say my name again but I'm actually really pissed at this point, so I cut him off.

"It's your fault. Deal with it."

OUCH, bad move, Mr. M! Danger! Danger! There go all your hopes and dreams!

But no. He just looks at me, I think he jumped at that in shock. (Okay, so I know he did, he looked up really fast as well. I could see the whites of his eyes_in the dark_; so yeah, he was surprised).

I'm pretty sure he goes to ask me something, but I cut him off again (something I don't_usually_ do on purpose)

"I need to let it out. You're in my way."

OUCH PART TWO!

He actually leans off the wall – but holding the molding tightly. He's jarred. Obviously.

"What- I didn't know…"

Somehow he hasn't hit me yet. And he's done that before under less provocation in the past.

"Of course you didn't know. You barely know me at all, after all these years."

THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME! Each line just as mellow, just as blunt. Thinking back on it I just want to cry! GAAAH!

But he never left.

In fact, he nodded.

"I believe that is a problem we may need to remedy, should we like to keep this housing arrangement."

And he's right back to Mr. Logical! Though, something in the back of my mind says, well, it holds a little conversation actually, it went kind of like this:

_Why hasn't he left yet?_ Does that mean I get to learn more about him as well?_Who cares, once he knows about you're crazy he'll leave anyway._** I wish he'd just come over here and hold us. **Nono, that's not like him at all!** How would you know, we know as little about him as he does of us! **_ I'd rather keep it that way. _Why is he handling this so well, anyway.** Because he feels the same way about us**_. You're fucking NUTZ OMG!_

That's right, I talk to myself in my head. Sometimes, when no one is around, I do it out loud as well…

But anyway. I'm getting tired from all the stress of just standing here with his presence. My turn to sigh and I rub my forehead for good measure.

"Duo. Sleep. We can do this later today. When you wake up, eat."

Command, command, command. I just wave my hand – non-committal of course – and trudge back to my room. I haven't slept yet… the sun is rising, so I guess it's around 7, but I haven't bothered to reprogram my clock after the power started up, so I don't know for certain.

Augh... Confused! Even if I try to sleep, my brain is still churning…

* * *

PAZ IS BACK!! Actually, the only notes from me:

An early update so that I can try to keep at it better than I have in the past and

The link is the picture Duo drew. I wasn't sure if it was possible to upload it or include it on FFnet, so I didn't bother to.

It's long... Sorry


	23. Entry 23: Normalcy?

Duo's Journals

_I have the sneaking suspicion that the link on the last entry didn't work. I have a sneaking suspicion that either Ffnet isn't working properly, or Firefox is too new for my computer. Seeing as I normally use Safari, which isn't supported on Ffnet, I can't really tell which…_

_The link was Duo's picture (I tried not to make it TOO crappy, but still crappy enough that it looked like a non-art person made it)_

_The link wont work on FFNet, so try this:_

http (colon slash slash) i93 (dot) photobucket (dot) com (slash) albums (slash) 149 (slash) 02scythewielder (slash) FUHii (dot) jpg

Entry 23:

Normalcy?

Bah. Well whatever. Today was… tiring, but much better than the last three.

It's Saturday, and even though I didn't get any sleep, I decided to go into work to make up for the day that I didn't even bother to call-in-sick for. (I was in a bad mood, okay? And my masochism is very passive-aggressive) That and, you know, I didn't want to talk to Hiiro first thing in the morning after _not_ doing as he told me to.

Work was tiring on it's own - the added weight that Hiiro would be waiting for me to come and talk to him when I got back? Really not necessary, thanks.

The day was a blur. Didn't help that most of the people in today were people I don't usually work with.

It also felt really odd to be in the office without Hiiro. I think I said the same thing on my birthday… It didn't help that my sleeplessness made me think that he'd be in the office every time I came back. I kept getting nervous until I opened to door to remember it was Saturday…

At the very least my delirium must've made for a really convincing show…

We didn't talk right when I got home anyway.

I walked in the door; he was in the living room digging through a box or something. He said something (maybe a greeting) I grumbled in reply, walked over to the Sex Couch and just passed out… that's what you get for not sleeping for too-many-days-in-a-row.

Woke up at like 9, or something, to the smell of food. I like food, so I sat up.

Wasn't hungry though. My body learned a long time ago that if I don't eat regularly, chances are I'm not going to.

He brought me a plate almost immediately after I sat up. I nodded in thanks. Didn't want to tell him that if I ate it I'd honestly throw up, but, you know…

I stared at the plate a while. He sat down at the other living room chair with his own plate and started eating. Nothing happened until he finished though. First, he told me it was probably cold and that I should eat it, in which I half complied by prodding the food (something Japanese – lots of noodles, not so much meat, you know).

Then the bomb.

"What the Hell happened these past three days?"

Oh, sigh.

"Nothing."

I hate it when he just looks at you like that. It's really unnerving.

"Really, I would have been fine if you hadn't interrupted. Repeatedly."

Next logical Question: "How do you figure."

I hate sighs. I put the food down on the now upside down box on the floor (he must have realized we don't have a coffee table and make-shifted one), but he got up and picked up the plate and held it back out to me.

"You didn't eat breakfast this morning." He didn't elaborate, I countered. How would he know, right?

Smartass, of course he'd know. I didn't leave any plates in the sink – which is where I always leave my plates before I scrub them and put them in the dishwasher. Why and how he picks up on things so fast, I'll never know. It's really annoying though. So I say Fuck it and take a bite. Tastes okay, cold, but my stomach is still not interested.

"Am I going to have to witness more of these outbursts?"

"Yes."

He sits on the couch next to me – at an angle so he can still watch me, of course.

"Why."

"I don't know." It's how I deal with stress, life and people I don't like. He knows I haven't really answered truthfully, because frankly, as someone who rarely partakes in the action, I'm really bad at lying.

"Why." That's Hiiro, don't even bother to rephrase the question. I intended not to answer, but words come out anyway.

"I hate myself." Woops, said to much on that one… it's okay, he wasn't expecting it either.

"Huh?" I, naturally, act like I haven't said anything. I think this confuses him because he just stares at me a moment then pushes his hair out of his face, something I've NEVER seen him do before. "I don't get it. Why?" Well at least he's consistent, this is also the first time I've honestly HEARD Hiiro _sound_ confused.

I don't know. "I just do."

Clearly not a good enough answer. So here's new thing number THREE- gotta keep score, you know- "I-I don't get it…" a STUTTER!?

I'm a little shocked myself, at this point, and absentmindedly go to put down the plate again.

He's not that far out of it. He catches my wrist and I'm forced to take the plate back. His grip was a lot more gentle than usual. I mean, every now and then he'll grab my arm to get my attention, or something. His hand also lingered for, well, a lot longer than was absolutely necessary. Hopeful dirty thoughts kinda entered my head, but before they got to crisp, the hand was gone and I had to remember why we were talking…

He sighs, I'm thinking he was frustrated with himself, or something cause I actually didn't provoke him this time… "I don't get it. Why would you hate yourself?" He clarifies, "Of all people…"

"I'm not different than anyone else…" It's actually a secret hope of mine. I don't expect it to be true. Though if 'anyone else' means 'surviving orphaned children' than I guess it's pretty spot on…

But my hope is kept alive, "Maybe." Which also causes me to get worried about him.

I mean, maybe Hiiro doesn't feel that way sometimes, in which I've just told him he's not human, and maybe he DOES, and I've just told him he's no better than I am (an insult, BTW). Instead of talking I just eat a little more regularly. My stomach is half-interested by now anyway, so I won't throw up if I keep silent via food.

The whole thing is really awkward by now, and I guess Hiiro senses that. "You're not planning on going anywhere tomorrow, right?"

"Uhh?" That means no.

"Eat up. Sleep. You need to rest, you're still short between 8 and 15 hours of sleep from the past week."

The he up and goes into his room. Probably told him more than he ever expected to hear about me. I secretly feel cheated, as I didn't learn anything about him. I guess seeing him awkward, stutter, confused and push his hair back will have to suffice for now…

Well… I'm done thinking for now. And I feel a little ill from eating, so I guess I'll sleep it off…

_Paz Note: Things are starting to look up, ne?_

_I'm late to a work meeting for this entry. Feel special!_


	24. Entry 24: Exchange

Duo's Journal

Entry 24:

Exchange

Well... I got a few hours of sleep before I woke up to near-vomiting.

Not cool, but it's not uncommon if I don't eat properly for a while and then eat certain things, like, too much salt or fat, for example. Blegh.

Not sure what it was about Hiiro's meal that set my stomach churning, but…

If I'm feeling really shitty, I have a tendency to set up a HOT bath with not too much water and to just take a nap in it. I mean, I'm big enough that I can prop myself up in a stable position to not fall under the water. Plus, I'm pretty sure if I did fall, I'd wake up almost immediately.

The trick is, to stay in the water at least long enough that when you wake up the water's kind of cold. I figure that this way any sickly, fever-stuff will be reduced.

After I got out of the bath it was like four or something, so I went back to my room to sleep off the aches of sleeping in a tub.

Was restless, though. Kept waking up after 5, 10, 15, or 30 minute intervals, randomly. By 630 I was fed up with it and just got out of bed and decided to ignore the tangle that was the result of my sick/tub adventures (AKA, my hair).

I think I was pacing or something, because I zoned out and next thing I know I'm turning around in front of Hiiro's door when it opens.

He raised his eyebrow at me, but went to the kitchen to concoct breakfast.

My stomach decided it was hungry…for watermelon and kiwi, neither of which is in season right now as it's the middle of WINTER. I was also a little afraid to go into the kitchen with Hiiro in there anyway, so…

When he took his potato-pancake thing into the living room I decided it was safe to enter the kitchen… Ended up just eating a few small handfuls of like, four types of cereal, but I was neither hungry for, nor _wanted_ to eat more… I was still in the kitchen, staring at the back of the box of Khool-Oh-Man Loops, when he came back to put his plate into the dishwasher.

I'm pretty sure he wanted some form of explanation on that one, but I didn't offer, and he didn't ask, so…

Suddenly it was just as awkward as yesterday- Guh.

"Did you finally get rest?"

Nope. I feel like shit, "Kinda."

"Take a nap."

"I'm really not tired, though…" He churns away in thought for a second and then goes to say something, but stops himself. So, "What?"

"It wasn't important."

"I'm not going to tell you a damned 'nother thing about myself unless you tell me something about yourself that isn't Mr. Cool and Collected."

"I'm not cool and collected."

"Alright, that doesn't count, at all. I'm HALF inclined to follow up on that one and figure out how you thought that was an acceptable answer, but instead I'd prefer you answer properly."

"It's true. I'm not cool or collected. I'm… just not."

"Alright, since that was almost as uninformative as the last time," I turned to face him. This whole situation is frustrating, and Hiiro can be pretty frustrating on his own… "Are you _trying_ to tell me that you're an internal mess of emotion, doubts, failures, triumphs, expectations and a whole mess of other shit that you just plain don't know how to handle and so the only way you know how to deal with them is to pretend they don't exist, you wallow away internally woeing your very being and that of those in your immediate vicinity, and that your social tendencies cause you such irrational fears that you'd rather be closed away alone forever than have to do the day to day shit that people are expected to do? That the mere concept of living like a human being causes you such doubt and fear that you end up thinking and doing shit you regret later? Unless that's how you want me to think of you, then I'd clarify."

He doesn't clarify.

I tell him that if he doesn't clarify I'm going to start calling him Hiiro-rin, or Hii-chan, or something girly like that. Then I decide maybe Anti, short for antisocial, would be better. Instead he says, "I thought about what you said last night. I think it would, and perhaps does, apply to everyone. Can I ask you, do you always hate yourself?"

"Only if you admit that sometimes, or maybe more than not, that you do too."

"I 'm an ex-Gundam pilot. I killed a shuttle worth of peace negotiators. I made dozens of mistakes, in and out of the war. Honestly Duo, What do you expect?"

Sometimes I forget that I wasn't the only 15 year old kid forced to fight a man's war…

"Not always. A lot though… Probably more than I should. People just assume that since I'm always smiling that it means that they can just perpetually dish out on me. They don't realize that sometimes I just want to bash their skulls in. I'm actually... really bad with stress. I kind of freak out."

"So that outburst…?"

"Just my way of restraining myself from actually hurting other people. Sometimes it takes all I have to just hold off until I get home. Sometimes I just flip a shit in the loading dock when no one is around… Don't you ever- who am I kidding you're you, right?"

"You're doing the same to me as you are complaining of others doing to you."

"And yet I've never seen you flip a shit."

"Yes you have."

My face blank stare.

"How's your jaw?"

"Oh… That…" I forgot all about him attempting to knock Jeff out a few weeks ago…

By now the conversation is more… well, conversational. It's lost it's awkward, but I'm tired again, done for now.

Wanna watch a movie? I'll pick something up at the store/rental. Wanna drink? No, not alcohol, just a drink. Okay. I'll be right back.

It was a crappy movie, of what I saw. I fell asleep like ten minutes in, though. Woke up sprawled across the couch and his lap (though god knows how.) One of these days I'm going to fall asleep in front of him and have wet dreams _about him_. That's going to be a hard one to explain…

GOD, and I swear, I keep getting the feeling that each time I fall asleep in his presence, that something HAPPENS. Like… Well, this time I almost think that in whatever dream I was having, something was caressing my head, or playing with my hair, or something.

Interesting to note is that, even though I've been MAD at him these past few days… I'm not actually _mad_ at him.

Ugh. Sigh and goodnight. It's late (early) and I really, _really_ need sleep.

Real sleep.

Paz Note: These are a lot longer than they used to be, aren't they… I hope, at least, that they're written better… 

_Sorry for being a couple of hours late._


	25. Entry 25: Highlight of My Day: Steak

Duo's Journals

Entry 25:

Highlight of My Day: Steak

Well, seeing as my weekend was off a bit, I seemed to have forgotten that it is Monday. Monday means me and Hiiro work today.

Oops.

I overslept, clearly… I didn't wake up until someone rudely, and unnecessarily, barged into my room. What if I was in the middle of Happy Time, huh Hiiro? Seriously. Actually, to be fair, I think I did hear knocking and rapping on my door through my subconscious, it just wasn't linking as to why.

I was half inclined to let him drive us in today, but decided better of it. Gotta show him that I'm all okay now, right… Though I never did have a chance to finish purging myself. At least it's at a manageable level now.

Work. Bleh. I think people wondered why I came in on a weird schedule this past week…

I got the vibe from people that Hiiro was really out-of-sorts on Friday. Some people even came up to him and asked if he was feeling better. I personally can't tell to what extent the words "frazzled and ditzy" might apply to Hiiro, but even still, inside of me I know it was my fault. But somehow, this comforts me…

Does this mean that my personal crazy is that influential on him? I wonder how much his care and, as I am starting to notice, worry for me extends…

I'm half-tempted to test out some theories, but I should probably give us some time to get back to full normal.

It was a little stiff in the office today anyway. I think he had an important meeting in the afternoon because he was a little jumpy al morning, and wasn't around for the second half of the day.

Whatever, got home he went into his room to do something at his computer. I flopped in front of the TV and picked up a random book off from our pseudo-coffee table and started to read it. I've never read it, so I assume it's his, but I've been known to acquire crap that I forget about immediately after, so who knows. Every now and then I'd some across dog-eared pages that I know I'd never care to remember – sappy romance scenes and the like. Overall the book was okay, about a struggling first-gen AC family who was force-relocated to L1 XG4112

Got about 300 pages in when I realized I was hungry.

Steak. Oh meat, how I love you. There was some starch and veggies as well, but the steak was the important part. Called Hiiro in, said I made enough for two, if he wanted any. Of course I did this on purpose, but I half-tried to sound like it was an accident.

We sat and ate pretty much in silence – It's pretty much the one time when there is something more important than talking over the silence, so.

He said he heard about a TV show from someone at work, asked if I'd stay and watch it. Sure, why not. It was pretty stupid. He seemed to enjoy it though. Whatever. Not on my "stay tuned for next time" list.

Also, I finally made the effort to put away (set up) the last remnants of my shit. It's awesome.

That was today. Much better than before. Still tiring, but, bleh.

Also, Note to Self, stop watching him out of the corner of your eye all the time, you're either going to mess up your vision, or get caught. For real. K? Good.

Paz Note: From what I've seen, the colonies have their Lagrange Point, two letters and four numbers (can't remember where I saw this, but…) I'm going to make up a reason for this.

We'll say that the letters have to do with orientation and spin (or even like XY coordinates within the LP –based on it's arrangement in the LP will determine proper spin and orbit) and that the numbers are broken up as follows:

_Since the letters are XY coordinates, we'll make the first number the Y-coordinate (they ARE in three dimensional space, after all)_

_The last three numbers will be specific ports and regions within the colony itself, like saying you're from Buffalo, New York, United States, North America, or Main Street, Buffalo, NY... _

_So, by my method, if I wrote L1 XG4231 It would be the same Colony, but a different area within that colony. I am not going to bother coming up with an intricate method of how they number or measure these things. Just say it's by square area (foot, mile, etc) left to right from the main port/dock._

_Also Google Lagrange Points and L5 Society –IT'S AWESOME_


	26. Entry 26: Wu manz

Duo's Journals

Entry 26:

Wu-manz

Today I woke up on time! Woo.

That was the first good thing today.

The second, we actually casually chatted on the way to work as we did _before_ my little outburst. Nothing important worth noting, though.

The third, an hour into the workday WUFEI SHOWS UP! I fucking LOVE Wu-man.

Sneaky bastard must've been waiting for the right opportunity, me and Hiiro were rushing to get something done and I had a hearing for a SMF to attend in five minutes when the door bursts open and in comes the Wu- no needs to knock or anyways? Not Wuffers!

Wufei is on active duty a lot and is basically in charge of the Active Duty Recruitment Program, so we rarely ever get to see him. When me and Hii get off time, chances are Fei's in another country or in a training camp yelling at new recruits that are as often his age as older (recruitment age minimum is 22 with a college Bachelors in Anything or 25 flat– So I technically shouldn't have been able to sign up until this year. Former Gundam Pilots get special exemptions for these sort of things, though…)

He sat and shot the shit with me for a minute before I had to head out.

"I wont be going anywhere for a day or two, maybe until the end of the week. We should get together and do something, the three of us." That was the first thing said that included Hii into the conversation. I feel a little bad about that, but when Fei's around I just kind of forget stuff…

When I got back Wu was in my chair and talking to Hii about something, all I caught was "How's that working out for you?" and a sorta exasperated shrug on Hiiro's part. We decided that Fei should come home with us and just chill.

Sometimes it annoys me that Wufei is too smart for his own good, because he always manages to wheedle more information out of me than I'd really like.

This time the topic was masturbation. Yeah, AWKWARD. I had a really hard time trying to keep focused on driving when he kept asking if I had a favorite fantasy, because seriously, the object of it was sitting in the car with us. NOT. COOL. He finally gave up the hunt when, after several warnings that I'd crash the car, I swerved off the road onto an embankment and barely stopping in time to _not_ hit a wall.

Hiiro was all WTF, but Fei was just laughing hysterically. Bastard.

We got home and ended up sitting around like lazy asses. Wu asked about the move and how we were doing and stuff. Hiiro got really …uhm… nervous? Awkward? At this, but I acted like regular old me. So he relaxed a little.

As payback I started teasing Wu about being away all the time and asking him if there was anyone in his life yet. He usually smirks seductively at me when I ask this, but this time he pushes his hair back and shrugged. Then abruptly asked me if I wanted to take a smoke with him.

Now, I technically quit smoking four years ago – cause I basically started when I was twelve or thirteen - but I do indulge every now and then, Hiiro turns down the offer though. Said he'd get something quick together to eat… what a wife…

I really shouldn't think things like that if I want to live for any length of time, should I?

Well me and the Wu get outside and light up (he gives me a cig, since I don't usually buy them anymore) and sighs out his first puff.

This is code for "I really want to talk to you about something that I don't want Hiiro to listen to because I know he wont care and will probably think less of me as a result of it." I look into the house and we move down on the deck thing away from the door and closer to the garage.

"Yeah what's up?"

"Life problems, then again, you and Hiiro seem to be a bit tense as well… What's that about?"

So I tell him. It takes some coercing, but I manage to tell him that I like Hiiro. I don't say any gritty details, because sometimes I wonder if it's still just a phase. Or if, once I get to know who he really is, I'll lose interest. Or if maybe the only reason I crave him is for the chase. I tell Wufei this last part. He tells me I'm just being too self-critical.

Then it's his turn. Turns out he's having a similar problem. Guy in his squad, no less. Guys about two years older than Wufei, but Fei's the commander. Of course, as a guy on perpetual active duty, all relationships with partners are strictly forbidden and can result in some pretty hefty penalties. He likes the guy a lot too, maybe even to the same extent I like Hiiro. We both stand there a few more minutes thinking, cigarettes long gone by now. But it's cold, and I'm not wearing a coat, cause I'm smart like that, so we head back inside.

It felt a little nice to let it all out like that to someone, I think we both agree on that (or maybe that was just the latent cig high). Of course it's not nearly as nice as walking indoors out of the cold to Warm Food Smell. Ahhhh Warm Food Smell… I love it.

It was some kind of Asian pasta dish that Wufei practically squeals about when he gets his plate. I think he wanted to kiss Hiiro for that (at least that's what he said). Apparently it's his favorite dish… Who knew? (Hiiro, probably)

So that was pretty much my day.

Though there was one last thing Wufei said as I dropped him off at 'home'. I turned him down though. I mean. I can see the merits of it. But I want to wait a while longer before I start up any new habits that may turn out to be bad ones… We'll see how I feel at the end of the week before he goes. Maybe we'll get it in once before then…

Who knows. Anyway, bed time for Du-kins.

Paz Note: For some reason I see Wufei and Duo as being really good friends… Possibly because I've known people with similar personalities and they always seem so fun together… Hope this doesn't bother anyone…

Their house is in this style: dutch colonial. I have a CRAPPY floor plan posted on the scraps on my deviant art. My DA is linked to my author page, or you can search my name, Paz-Enai, or the title, DuHii House.


	27. Entry 27: On the Town

Duo's Journals

Entry 27:

On the Town

Work is lame.

Blah blah, same old.

Got home and received a call from Wuffers – I swear, if anyone puts up with my crazy-ass nicknaming system, it's Wufei, the others usually give me looks after a while. Plus it's _so_ easy with his name. Then again, I have a few for Hiiro, but I'm pretty sure he'd kill me if he heard them... they're kinda… endearing (?) like Hiiro-rin, Hii-chan, Hii-kun, Hii-pii. Etc etc… You know.

So anyway, Fei-fei called. Asked if I wanted to go out anywhere with him while he was here, a bar, a restaurant or something. He extended the offer to Hiiro as well. I know he's only inviting Hiiro because he's in the house with me. The two of them are a little awkward around each other, maybe they're too similar or something, but… Whatever…

Hiiro was half-interested, said it would depend on where we go, which I mentally translated to "as long as it's not a bar and I'm not expected to drink". I told Wufei "sure, but it depends on where."

Wufei is really bad with making decisions if they aren't life and death. Seriously. Basically I decided that we should just go to a steak house and sit and talk. Beer for me and Fei, but no social obligations for Hii to drink. I figured it was win-win.

Since when was Fei vegetarian, seriously. WTF? AUUG. So we went to an Italian place instead. Lots of noodles, (not my favorite thing, could you tell?) but I still had my meat. It was breaded but it was meat damnit!

We stayed around for a little too long, and I think the hostess was getting pissed at us, so we left having no idea where to go next… As a default Wufei asked if we wanted to go to a bar for a while. I told him I wasn't in the mood today. I think he knew it was for a different reason (the bad at lying thing again).

Hiiro did too. "Why not." was all he said. Not a question, but an invitation. So we went. It was worth it though; I got to see Wufei working his magic on someone else for once. And Hiiro's not as stupid as I am by a long shot, so it was amusing.

"So Hiiro, I've had this conversation wit Duo before, what is you biggest regret?"

"Well…"

"Oh come on. Hey, didn't you date Relena a few times?" I didn't know that.

"Uhg…"

"That bad huh? Why, do you think?"

"I'm not talking to you about this, Wufei."

"Oh come on, my biggest regret was all Duo's fault." He gave me an evil smirk. What a fucking Bastard.

"GOD, not _that_ story, we only did it once!!! It wasn't even serious! Seriously Fei, Shut up!"

"Duo convinced me to go into a BDSM shop with him because he was curious, but didn't want to go in alone. He made me pretend I was the subservient. I have never been fondled by that many men since, especially not all at the same time. I still owe you for that one, by the way."

I just threw up my arms in defeat. It did the trick though. Hiiro revealed that he thought maybe he'd feel more normal (Duo translation note "feel like a normal human being") if he tried his hand at a relationship. Apparently dating your stalker is a bad move though. I guess she was nice enough, but too clingy and it irked him.

"How far did you take this 'experiment in human living' with her?"

"…"

All the way.

That surprised me. Hurt a little, but seriously, I'm no virgin by a long shot, so I don't know why I expected him to be. Still.

Said they were together two months or so. Sex for about two weeks when he realized he couldn't truthfully keep it up. He said he talked to her. She refused to believe it. Then he said that it's his fault Relena always gives me a hard time.

But no matter how much wheedling we did, he wouldn't explain any further. We'd finally hit the inner wall and he didn't say another word on the subject the rest of the night.

Wufei, being the dick he is made me reveal some of my sex stories to make Hiiro feel a little better. Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty open with my sexual life, not exhibitionist, but not hush-hush. But this was Hiiro, the man I'm doing my damndest to charm and _not_ fuck up with.

But this was also Wufei, who, as stated, is really good at making me open my mouth further than it normally does.

So I told a few short stories, like how I refused to go to war a virgin and made G get me a ho before I'd let him finish my training. After that he made my training a lot harder, but I still think it was a good choice to this day.

I also talked briefly about my relationship with Hilde. There wasn't much to tell there though. We thought each other were attractive. We had sex. We knew we weren't the ones for each other. We separated. She's now in a happy three-year relationship with some guy named Albert or something. And I'm still pining over the same guy that I was when I broke it off with her five years ago.

It was starting to get late at this point, so we decided to go. I didn't have to go in until noon, but Hiiro still had a regular shift, and there's no point staying up all night if you gotta go right to work and can't sleep in.

Wufei drove himself this time, so it was just me and Hiiro in the car.

He asked me, randomly, out of pure silence "Did you really?"

My response was unintelligible. I think I gave him a stupid look as well (keep your eyes on the road Duo). He was kinda nervous, and wouldn't look at me.

"The… The shop?"

I hate Wufei… Not really, but I fucking hate him. Seriously.

"Yeah, why?" But that was it. He didn't say anything else. I guess he wasn't sure if Wu was lying, and he'd know right away if I was, so… At least that's my guess. I continued anyway, as is in my nature, "I was curious, I mean, the internet can only tell you so much. I wanted to see it in person. My curiosity is a pest like that."

"Why were you even curious?" That had a lot of inflection in it. Very human. He was half-disgusted, half impressed (I'm guessing of my ability to go through with it). First clear-as-day emotions I've ever heard in his voice. His face didn't reflect anything though, at least not in the quick glance I got.

"I don't know… I just was." Shrug. Because I was dating (a fling) an older man who liked to be a little forceful with me. It wasn't master and servant or BDSM or anything, but it was enough to spark my curiosity a little.

He scratched the bridge of his nose, a reaction he must've picked up from me, as I do it all the time when I'm confused or nervous.

The rest of the ride was silent again. He went to bed right away. I read the rest of that book I started the other day. Was kind of sad at the end. Reminded me of growing up on the bad part of town… Depressing.

Auhh but it's early morning now, and I should at least nap before I go into work.

_Paz Note:_

_Someone asked me how far ahead I had these written that I am able to post so frequently... Honestly, I'm posting each one the day I write it. No Joke. This means it gets written, proof-read once or twice (or more) and then posted right after (more or less). So... if I get swamped with stuff, the cycle will be put a little off (like how the last two were posted at midnight-ish) and also why there may be immense grammatical and spelling errors from time to time. I'm trying to do it right, but I'm only Human…_

_Thanks everyone for all the support and comments I've been getting !!_

_WOW, my computer totally crashed or something yesterday... It's still giving me problems… this is bad… _

_Okay FFNet HATES my computer. I have tried updating this thing for a total of about 5 hours between yesterday and today. Seriously, it should not take that long to update a WORD DOCUMENT. It just wont go, and I've tried two different web browsers as well. Grah!_

_I'm going to try it from someone else's computer now. If you're reading this, it worked._


	28. Entry 28: Forming Bad Habits

Duo's Journals

Entry 28:

Forming Bad Habits

Well… I feel really shitty about this…

But I needed it.

Or at least that's what I needed to convince myself. That's what I still need to convince myself.

I'm not going to lie; it felt really good to let out all that pent up energy and frustration. And we made sure to let each other know right away that this wasn't permanent. I don't want it to be, and I'm pretty sure neither does Wufei. I mean, we both already have our eyes on other people.

But…

I went in late to work yesterday. Wufei offered to drive me, I agreed. Regular workday. But he didn't take me home afterwards, not right away.

Wufei and I had sex tonight (last night?).

I can honestly say I both regret this, and am glad I did it.

I haven't had sex with another human being since, well, that asshole that I'm not going to name from two or… or maybe three years ago… while constantly wanting a warm body to bang. That's right, Duo's been celibate.

For Hiiro.

And I broke it.

And that's why I feel shitty.

This wouldn't have been nearly as bad if it hadn't been so _good_. I mean. Uhg… Wufei knows what he's doing as much as I'd like to say I do. Though it sounds like he's had more experience with men than I have (I'm pretty bi, he's apparently gay). We had a hard time deciding who should be which position, though. Not gunna lie, that was really awkward. So in order to end it, I volunteered to be bitch.

Unfortunately this is exactly the opposite of what I'd like to hope and wish I could be for Hiiro. Maybe I can use that fact to dissociate this experience from myself. This is terrible. I'm actually _planning_ on dissociating my Fei-fuck from potential future Hii-fucks… but really. I want to be the only person that Hiiro feel comfortable allowing control over him. I want him to let someone else – me, mostly – to take care of him; to pleasure him or be there for him or love him and…

This is so bad, Duo. You've dug the whole and put in the stone, all you need now is to jump in and ask someone to push the dirt in.

I guess Wufei hasn't had some in a while too because he was all misty afterwards for quite a while. I fell asleep after, not entirely intentionally, but it was a type of workout I haven't had in a long time and I was spent. Woke up around midnight, which caused Wu to awaken. We looked at each other and I know we were thinking the same MFing thing, "What are we thinking?"

I was hungry now, so I asked Wu to use his kitchen after at least dressing my lower half. I figured I could shower when I got home and that using his shower would really only help to make this experience more surreal.

Ate a sandwich and a half (I forgot he was vegetarian, but I managed to scrounge for some stuff I liked). He came in dressed shortly after. Oh, and Wufei is at one of those "this is more temporary than permanent" housing things that the Proventer Actives get so his place was pretty tiny, three rooms at best, small.

He sat down and ate some bread then asked if I wanted to go back home. I didn't know what else I would have done, so I said yeah half wondering if Hiiro would wonder where I had been. I have to admit, I'm more concerned with how I'm going to manage to _not_ tell him the truth if he asks about tonight.

We drove to my place in near silence, but that's fine, because if we'd talked like usual I would have been concerned. I was about to get out when he stopped me.

"I know your not big into lying, but please, don't let it slip that I'm gay. Nobody knows. All they know is that I had a wife at 13 as per clan tradition and that she died shortly thereafter."

"Only if you promise not to tell anyone I'm fucking around again. I got in a lot of trouble for that when I started up in Proventer" True story. I used to sex it up to try and keep my mind off of Hiiro once I realized I wouldn't be able to man-it-up and tell him how I felt. Sally was so pissed that my 'reputation' might something-or-other that she went right to Une and we had my little 'problem' taken care of. They thought it was because I was self-destructive, I guess it's partly true.

He nodded. I got out of the car. Lights were off in the house when I got in.

Hiiro was sitting there in the SC though… I didn't acknowledge him, he didn't acknowledge me. I came into my room, and shortly after I heard his door close.

So I guess you can say that I've already jumped into the aforementioned hole, huh? Who wants to push the dirt in?

And yet, I still can't be entirely mad at myself. I'm disappointed, yes, but not mad. Nope, never regret good sex. I just regret the circumstances. But I'm also mad at Hiiro, a little. If he has a problem with it, he could have told me when I walked in. Then again he may not know what I did… But, still… I'm going to wait a few more minutes before I shower, though I doubt he'll be asleep.

If he didn't know when I walked in, he'll surely know by that sign.

Then again, I usually shower before bed, as opposed to morning (more time to tame the hair and let it dry) so maybe not.

I'm over thinking; this is a bad idea, as I'm not particularly smart.

I'm just going to shower. Its almost one and I have work at 8.


	29. Entry 29: The Day After

Duo's Journals

Entry 29:

I hate to admit it, but there is definitely an extra spring in my step today, and if I haven't been entirely 100 lately, I am definitely feeling (and possibly acting) so now.

I was really split last night over this, but you know what, it was just sex, and it felt _great_.

Hiiro seems to be giving me a once over every few hours, and seems to be slightly cold-shouldering me, but not really. I think he has an idea of what happened last night, but possibly not with who. And it may only be because he's concerned I might revert, or something. I dunno. I'm kind of in too good a mood to be paying too much attention.

Getting lots of shit done today, I'm feeling really productive for once.

Got a call from Wufei telling me that he's being sent out tonight and that he can't hang out with me and Hiiro later (I relayed the message). He told me to keep healthy and that was it. Nothing awkward. True friends with benefits status reached.

I have the slight fear that Hiiro might remember that it was Fei who drove me to work yesterday and jump to the correct conclusion, but then again, anyone could have picked me up after that, as I left the building hours after Hiiro. Just cause one drives you to a location does not entirely bind them to driving you back. There's also the possibility that I went bowling or something with him, right? You never know. We used to do crazy-shit at all hours before. It's a small safety net, but a net is a net.

I also get the feeling that he really wants to talk to me, but is trying to hide it, which is a little odd for Hiiro; usually when he wants to talk to me he just out and tells me, or gives me The Look or The Sigh.

I have noticed him being a bit more quiet than usual, I mean, Hiiro's a quiet guy as it is, but he's not mute. In the office or around me and the guys he's fairly conversational. He just isn't being quite as talkative- well lets put it this way, he's more silent than usual.

I doubt he's really doing it on purpose, but there's still that twang that I may be at fault. Whatever. I'm at work. I should uh, be working, or at least put this away before he returns.

----------------------------------------

Alright, so Hiiro did want to talk after all. He just waited until we got home. Which is, ehh I guess it's normal for him. I guess he didn't want to cause a scene or anything at work…

He was really silent on the car ride home, even with me asking how his work went and if he got this, that or the other thing done as planned, but he was just noncommittal about everything. Which put me down a bit, he's usually more responsive, so I stopped talking. Not that the drive home is a long one anyway, cause it's not. Ten minutes tops, but…

So we get inside and he starts putting something together to eat. Doesn't take me long to realize that it's a one-person dish. This kind of surprises me at first, but when you really think about it, we never said we'd exchange cooking days. So I let it slide. I wasn't hungry anyway so I just go into my room and wake up MiniShini (My computer) and tool away for a while exploring the great expanses of human entertainment.

On that hand, I'll never understand why some people think it's sexy to get busy with animals. Seriously? Cute and fluffy – why? Who came up with that shit? Blegh.

I guess Hiiro's done eating and stuff because he hovers in my open doorway now. (I was reading news by then, so I wasn't too concerned with him seeing what I was doing at my computer). I turn to him and ask what's up. He asks to come in, I have no reason not to let him in, so I say "Sure, I'm not doing anything important anyway".

He comes in and looks at my bed, I tell him to take a seat, he instead sits on my cargo bench chair (that he hates).

It occurs to me that, he _wants _to talk to me, but he somehow can't seem to start. Like he wants to know, but doesn't want to ask, or maybe the other way around. To spur him on, I don't fully know what this is about after all, I ask what's up.

He just says my name and sighs, then looks at me with something of a disappointed look on his face. "Where were you last night?"

"Out, why?"

"Out where?"

"A friends" I'm being evasive I know, but it's not lying and I _am _good at this. I have lots of friends at the office – practically the entire department considers me as such.

"What for?"

"We had something to work out. Everything's settled, so don't worry about it"

This is obviously not quite the answer he was expecting, and, as it is entirely true, I don't feel too bad about saying it this way. We did have something to work out, our pent up sexual frustration, and we took care of it. It's all better, for now.

He doesn't quite know what to say anymore, and looks away, somewhere between his feet and the base of my bed in front of him.

But now it's my turn, "Why?"

He just shrugs, thanks Hiiro, be just as evasive as I am.

"Who?"

My response is 'huh?'

"What friend?"

"Wufei, why? Is something the matter?" I realize he's inching closer to the truth and cant really allow that, so I throw the questions in there as a decoy. Not that I'm not curious why he cares so much, but I mostly want to make sure he doesn't get all up on my back either.

"Just curious, I suppose. What did you have to work out?"

"I think that's between the two of us, Hiiro. No offense, you're one of, if not my best friend, but sometimes we need to rely on other people as well."

He looks sharply at me now, not angrily, but something I've said has startled him. His expression is normal, but his eyes show me that he's jumping to all sorts of conclusions. Who knows what they are. I'm really confused as to why he's so invested in this, so I tell him so. It's not fair that when I ask him questions he blows me off, but when he asks questions I answer them. I tell him that too.

"Just curious." Is all he says. I ask "Why curious?"

He shakes his head softly "If I could understand it, I'd let you know."

This makes me internally go "huh" really loudly. Instead I ask if he wants to talk about it.

"I don't know."

"Hii, you know I wasn't lying all those weeks ago when I said you can talk to me and I wont mind. Remember? I meant it. So, what's up, you've been all out of sorts today…"

"You were late." Shrug, "Didn't say hello. I thought something happened. When you acted fine today… It didn't add up, is all."

"Oh… sorry… I guess it was a kind of long night… Sorry. I-" didn't realize you'd wait up for me? What do you say to that? I left the sentence hanging.

"Next time let me know."

Then he got up and left. What I want to know is why I should let him know? He's mad at me, and I'm not even sure why.

_Paz Note:_

_I realize in hindsight that Duo sort of talks like I do, which is to say, he's vulgar… So if this offends anyone, sorry… (I'm actually a LOT worse, f-bombs everywhere with sprinklings of the other stuff)_

_I tried to make Hiiro sound brief and curt as Hiiro should, but given the nature of their conversation, I might have messed up, so sorry…_

_Also, I know some people might be offended by these startling revelations about Duo's sex life, the reason I do this is because, quite frankly, Duo was a street orphan and in order to survive and to convince himself that life was worth living I can see him doing a lot of otherwise bad behaviors. Also, we must remember, it's not unheard of, even today, for people to go out on weekends for the sole purpose of getting laid (sometimes also for getting drunk). I believe this may be more common for men than for women, but all the same, I feel that Duo could get whoever he wants whenever (if he sets his mind to it) and might say "well I can, so why the hell not?" Again, this is how I perceive him for this particular story, so I hope you can bear with these utterly human faults which I have created in his character._


	30. Entry 30: A Day, Oh, A Day

Duo's Journals

Entry 30

Man, if I thought the way Hiiro was acting Friday (yesterday) was odd, than I have no idea how to characterize this.

It's like he keeps going back and forth from his old self to his current self and then, occasionally, into this third, awkward self. I have no better way of describing it. It's really weird to witness…

Naturally, Hiiro got up like 9 hours before I did this morning. He was sitting on the SC when I rolled out of bed (which I literally did today… I was hoping that the drop would help stir some awake into me… Didn't work out so well though…)

Sometimes I forget I'm not living alone anymore, which is generally not a good thing. For instance, I fall asleep in just my boxers with my door open, then grumble about the house as I wake up, make tea or coffee and eat something I usually don't remember eating afterwards. I'm pretty sure this is the kind of stuff an otherwise quiet, semi-antisocial guy doesn't wanna see or hear first thing in the morning, ever - much less daily (sometimes I remember to close the door, which prompts the Changing Phase of my morning). But when you think about it, we've barely been living together for three weeks, right? There has to be a learning curve, right? Lets hope.

But yeah, I got up barely before noon. I was playing some stupid online game that I think I'll try to delete from my memory. It was dumb, and free, but way to addicting and definitely had no sense of reward… just not worth the time. But I still managed to play it for like 7 hours straight (or until 5 am). Bleh.

So when I did get up I skipped Changing Phase and walked into the kitchen to heat water for tea or setup the coffee maker (I think I did both actually) then made myself feel human again. Took a way-to-big bowl of cereal and milk into the living room (I prefer to eat in there than in the dinning room, but I think Hii does as well, so it's ok) and plopped down on the floor in front of the SC. Hiiro was sitting on the SC with his feet crossed and a pillow on his lap – either for warmth or to make the book he was reading at a better height.

I was just starting to chow down when I realized he must have been staring at me, I hadn't heard a page turn in a while. This was the first "old Hiiro" feeling all day, cause I generally don't get _quite_ the same being-looked-at feeling from him nowadays,

Naturally I turned to look at him so see if my guess was right. It was, as always.

"What are you doing?"

"Uhm… eating?" Right? I looked down at the bowl in my hand for verification (I was still in Wake Up Phase, alright?)

"Naked?"

"I have boxers on." Duh.

He gave me such a look here… I have no idea how to describe it. I almost burst out laughing. His face, I swear he must have been trying so hard to regulate his features or something because I've never seen Hiiro blush so intensely in my life. Not to say I've never seen him blush, it's actually not that hard to get him to do (if you're me). I also couldn't help but wonder why this was making him so uncomfortable. I really, really, _really_ tried not to laugh… I kinda failed, but managed to write it off as a chuckle and manage "Alright, alright, I'll get some pants on, geez."

I got up and put my bowl on the not-so-permanent coffee-table-box and stalked off to my room, when I reached my door he managed "I don't know how you can do that when it's so cold in here anyway."

It was chilly, sure, but hey, it's another wake-up-method I've discovered over the years. Just to be an ass I got my big warm fuzzy pants on and took my comforter off the bed and dragged it out after me, and nested on the couch next to him before picking up my now almost-soggy cereal. (Lots of hyphens in this encounter eh?)

He was not so amused and gave me an 'old Hiiro glare'.

I asked him what the problem was, he didn't seem willing to comment. So I begged and moaned and pleaded that he tell me what he was thinking.

Instead he blurted "I find it hard to believe that you walked around like that when you lived with Hilde."

"Hah, funny story-"

"Duo!" He had been trying to get back into his book, but at that he just turned to me looking stunned.

"What, I'm a sexy beast. I can't help but show it off." I waved my hand in the air for a bit of extra flair. He stared at me wide-eyed, and even slightly open mouthed, for a few seconds before just shaking his head.

"Ego much?"

"Truth, I'd say." He made one of those noises you can't spell (something like 't-chh')

"Yes well…never mind."

Okay, if there's anything I can't stand, its that. Honestly, if you're going to start a sentence, you should finish it. I told him so, naturally. He tried to turn back to his book again.

So I pounced him.

Yup.

I asked what he was going to say; he declined and tried pushing me away. Now Hiiro might be stronger than I am, but I am more flexible and _really good_ at holding onto things. I figured if I was going to be torturing him, I might as well have a bit of fun, right?

So after our little game, instead of just being practically on top of him I WAS on top of him (I don't know how I managed to control myself, honestly). He was basically sitting on the couch normal, and I was more or less sitting in his lap, one arm around his neck in a headlock, the other grabbing his right arm so he wouldn't try to push me backwards.

He was probably startled, but had resigned from trying to fight me off. I flung my legs over the armrest and called it a victory.

"So what were you going to say, then?"

He hesitated, so I gave him a menacing look, he took the hint and replied, "… Yeah, well… I guess you're right…"

"Right about what?" I'd forgotten what we were talking about… haha…

"… About being… … … Uh…"

I let go of him then, "Wait, you're agreeing that I'm a sexy beast? Well damn man, why'd I have to put on pants!"

"I didn't say it like that…" That's case technically you didn't say it, but we'll let that slide. "It's just not … proper to walk around in your privies…"

I really do love those rare few times when he is struggling to piece a sentence together. I really love it…

I flop and roll backwards into a sitting position next to him so I can better analyze his features and how he's thinking, oh, and the blankets on the floor by now, meaning my top half is skin only he's in a tank and sweats. God do I sometimes love his penchant for muscle shirts.

"Well come on Hii," I say it without realizing it, "I should just walk around naked from now on, if I'm so sessy. Shouldn't I?"

"I'd prefer n- What'd you call me?"

"Uhh… Hii… Was that bad?" he shakes his head. Tells me he's never had a nickname before, assuming you don't count his codename, which by now is his real name.

He looks at the clock, realizes it's almost 2. Says he has to go shopping. Do I need anything? Just milk and this and that. Will you need help, no? Okay. See ya later. And that was that…

I made a big dinner tonight... Actually, it was kinda huge. I found this yummy looking recipe and followed it thinking it sounded like it took a lot of food. When I got to the last line I realized it was meant to serve like 6 people… oops… but it was good. We'll just have to eat it's leftovers as breakfast lunch and dinner…

Why is he so cute? Ahh, what a good, evil little memory I've created. Delicious.

I think he has to go in to work tomorrow… boo, today was a lot of fun…

Okay, food coma time.

_Paz Note:_

_Hey, it's #30, so it's cute and aaaawwww… hahaha... Oh gods it's great because I know more or less what's going on in Hiiro's head right now, it's flipping amazing!_

_ROFL ROFL!!_


	31. Entry 31: Tech Pleasantries

Duo's Journals

Entry 31: Tech Pleasantries

So I was right, Hiiro had to go in to work today, but the good news was that it wasn't like a normal shift, he went in for about four hours and then came back. I was still asleep when he left, so there wasn't any major loss on my part. Plus today I decided to go to church, so I had the added bonus of not having to tell him where I was going to for an hour.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a regular practitioner, but every now and then I get the urge to go to a mass. I figure it's the least I can do considering how well my life's been going since the war. Besides I think I believe in a god, or something. Not entirely sure what, but I still have the inclination to believe something, so I figure that I should at least attempt to make an effort.

But in any case, I woke up at ten, made it out to a 10:30 service, and ate some leftovers when I got back.

I bought some wine while I was out - impulse buy probably spurred on by the wine at the service, but whatever, I'll use it I'm sure. It was a random red wine that was definitely an import form a country I don't speak the language of. I had the liquor store owners word that it was good though, so I figured what the hell and got it anyway. I tell you though, at $35 a bottle it better be decent.

So Hiiro came home until a few minutes after I did, which means he went in at about 8. He looked a little put off about something, but I let him be and he settled down in a half hours time.

I decided I was incredibly bored in, like, five minutes time. See before I moved in I could easily find some dumbass thing to do and be fine for hours at a time. The difference is that when I'm around other people something in me dictates that I should entertain them. I know, it's stupid. I've done some reading on it, I mean, every now and then I am convinced that I have some mental disorder or another. What I've decided is that this urge of mine is attributed to all my bad experiences in life and expresses itself as a desire to receive the attention of everyone around me. I have developed this need to please others as a way to preserve whatever attachments with them that I have, to keep them near and to hope that they'll never leave me. I guess I can summarize this into a fear of abandonment...

I guess that's also why I 'm being so intensely careful with Hiiro. I mean... If you think about the last time I truly cared about another person, they all died, or betrayed me... This extends mostly beyond the war... Like with the orphanage, and the gang and things... even more recent relationships haven't been so hot, but that may also be in part because I'm to preoccupied with Hiiro, or trying to find someone to take his place, even though I know they'll fail like a burning wreckage.

WAAH, no,no this is not supposed to be angsty and depressing!

Like I _was _saying, today was kinda boring. For a while. I tried settling down on my computer and reading random internet blogs and things, but I felt weird, So I stopped and came back into the living room to see what Hiiro was doing.

He was working on something electronic - a good idea really, maybe I'll use this as inspiration and start making another computer. My current one isn't exactly good for gaming or anything, and I could use the mindless dronery of both assembling a computer as well as online gaming that actually involves the use of a decent graphics card.

I walked and and plopped next to him and asked what he was working on. He just said he was tinkering, but from the looks of thing's I would say he was updating the RAM in his notebook computer and maybe hacking in the newest processor. Asked him if he wanted help with anything, knowing damn well that he could do this task perfectly well on his own.

He surprised me by pausing to look at me and saying "Sure".

"Uhh, cool. What would you like me to do?"

"Well, how well are you at hacking?"

"You want me to hot-wire your processor for you?"

"Well, you did work for Sweeper, didn't you."

Well if that wasn't a challenge, I don't know what is, so I took him up on it. I mean, turning it down would be like stating that I'm not a sneaky hacking bastard, and I am definitely a sneaky bastard who does enjoy a good hack. And he's also challenging the 'dignity' of a 'respectable' illegal swiping and resale organization.

He kept twiddling away at his RAM and something else, and I took apart and started tinkering with the processor. I think he almost shat himself when I opened it up, I guess he didn't realize that every good hack starts at the origin. I mean, if you try to hack just from the outside you'll likely short yourself some of the usefulness of your product. Seeing as the point of installing a new processor would be to _increase_ productivity, it only follows that we'd like to preserve and maximize it's functions. We worked for a bit side by side in near silence.

He finished before I did, naturally. But by the time he got to the fridge I declared my task finished and dared him to install it and test my work.

I'll be the first to admit, I was being a bit cocky, but he came over anyway -eyebrow raised- and started to install it.

I got up to get a drink and brought him back some barley tea (apparently his favorite drink) and leaned over the back of the couch to test his progress. It didn't take him long to install it, as I tried to use the initial casing to the best of my ability so that it would work right.

We booted up the computer and Hiiro immediately opened up as much if the internet, downloads and other things as he could (or maybe that's just how active his clipboard usually is). I think he was pleased though, because he made one of those "hmm" noises - the good kind.

"How'd you manage that?"

"Manage what?"

"To reformat that so well. I think you managed to surpass it's programmed capabilities."

"Meh," I shrugged, told him I just did what I know.

"Why don't you go into engineering or some related field? You've proven you can do it."

"Yeah well, I mean I've done software and mechanics and whatever, but what it basically comes down to is that I'm not educated. Unless you count one year or so on my home colony and those schools we'd transfer to as cover during the war... And I'm sure employers are going to be looking for a college diploma."

"Mm. You could always use the war experience-"

"I'm really not willing to preach to a potential employer that I'm an ex G-pilot. That seems like a desperate thing, and I have a decent enough job as it is. And we've already been told to not fake any official paperwork anymore by Une." I didn't really want to get into the details with him. I mean, it's true, and all, but I can't deny that I'd much rather be a mechanic than a desk-bitch.

"Decent enough. That implies that you prefer something else. Honestly, I would never have picked you out for this type of work anyway."

"Honestly, I thought you'd have signed up for Active Duty alongside Wufei," I countered.

He just shrugged. So I guess we were both in jobs we only half-cared about. Some good that'll do us.

"Besides, I'm too lazy and cheap to go to college anyway," I finish. It's true. I also can't bear to abandon that I get to work basically alongside him every day of the week. Though, when you get right down to it, that's possibly the only reason I haven't tried to find a different job yet. I've thought about it, sure. But I know that if I did I wouldn't be able to be near him, and I'm selfish and greedy that way.

He tells me that, maybe in the future, things may show a favorable sign.

I tell him there's really nothing wrong with the way things are now.

He shrugs.

We sat in a pleased silence for a while over our dual accomplishments, then my stomach growls and we decide it's time to heat up some leftovers. Hiiro throws some special bread in the oven and we eat together talking about the latest hi-tech gizmos to hit the market.

All-in all- a very pleasant day...


	32. Entry 32: Operation Hiikun

Duo's Journals

Entry 32:

Operation Hii-kun

So it's Monday. No big deal.

But I've been thinking lately that things between Hiiro and I are back to normal.

If I am to recall correctly, I said a week ago that I had some hypothesis to explore. I've noticed that I'm receiving some more data to support these.

I think it's time to start some mild experiments. That's right, Operation Hii-kun.

I'm going in.

Though I don't really have a mission plan, I think I can improvise one as I go. I'm moderately confident that I'll learn some interesting things. I also want to see how far I can go before Hiiro gets uncomfortable and stops me. I'm going to take my time though (sort of) - baby steps for now.

So, I got myself up ass-crack-early today – that's right _ass-crack_ early- and made some breakfast, you know bacon, pancakes, English muffins and the like. Hiiro got up a few minutes later and came out a bit surprised. Usually I just eat crummy sugary cereals on the weekdays, so I guess it was a welcome surprise for him. Made myself some eggs, too.

We ate in pretty good spirits, I guess, I'm pretty quiet when I eat, but he seemed pleased, so that makes it a good morning in my eyes.

Drove to work. Work was typical. It was a slow day because annual reports are waiting to be turned over and until they're done there really isn't too much for us to do. Though I guess Wufei's mission was over because I was handed his paper to finish up and file; at least I know he's doing pretty good on his side as well.

During the lunchtime lull I asked Hii if it was okay to play some tunes… I don't think he expected my music tastes to be so random though. I guess he thought that my bad mood music was the only music that I listened to when in actuality I listen to almost everything. Even the genres I don't like too much I still have a few anomaly songs that I like.

Plus I listen to my music on random (if I don't, the music type will slightly dictate my mood).

So we decided to keep a tally. The first tally was of music he knew from my random playlist, the second was of songs he actually _liked_ from my playlist.

Basically, Hiiro either doesn't listen to much music, or just doesn't remember what he's heard before. It was both frightening and highly entertaining. I was actually pretty surprised that he didn't know some of them.

When we got home he asked me if I wanted to watch that show again, from last week. I know I said it wasn't on my list of shows worth watching but, I mean, come _on_ -Hiiro _asked me_ to _join him_. How could I say no?

I decided that this would be a good time to start Operation Hii-kun. I'm conniving, I know. Kitsune, even.

So I made us some _delicious_ TV dinners and we sat in front of the screen for, hopefully, some decent entertainment.

It was getting dark and a little chilly, so I got a blanket out of the linen closet, asked him if he wanted to use it as well. He paused at first, but agreed.

He seemed to like the show. He got really invested in it. I mean, he wasn't laughing out or openly commenting on it or anything, but he was nestled deep in the couch and devoting all his attention to the screen, so I can only assume.

I, on the other hand, was preoccupied by another form of entertainment. I couldn't even tell you what the show was about, in all honesty. All I remember is Hiiro's slight slouch, the way he tried eating his POS instant dinner with chopsticks even though it was too soft, the light on his cheeks and in his eyes as caused by the program… I almost lost myself in it, actually, and I had to stop myself from turning fully to face him.

Actually, I think I was slipping until my favorite dumb little commercial came on and I turned my head to watch it. But that was the indication that I was slipping. I actually had to turn my head to face the screen.

I hope he didn't notice too much, but in all honesty, this _is _Hiiro Yui. I'm surprised he didn't call me out on it. He did glance over to me after, but turned back to the screen a second later without comment. Who knows? I can only speculate as to what might have been going through his head, and I'm not nearly confident enough to out and out ask him about it.

If he does ask me about it tomorrow or something though, I'll apologize, say I was zoning out or something – just not what I was zoning about. He's really just to pretty for his own good. Damn his Asian genes…

After that the night was kinda a blur. Show ended, he got up… I actually had to stop myself from reaching out to grab a hold of him, or to feel the spot he just vacated. He loaded the dishwasher and took my food-trash to the can for me. I asked if he wanted me to take the trash out or something, but he told me I could just go to sleep… I was a zombie by this point, so I just complied.

I think I'm being devoured. My experiment is going a little out of control, huh…

Paz Note: As a random point of interest, you should Google "Real Life Gundam" Click the second hit. Hahaha. Only the Japanese would bother to calculate such a thing! 


	33. Enrty 33: Invitation

Duo's Journal

Entry 33:

Invitation

At work today Jeff and a few of the other guys asked if I wanted to come out with them to just chill tonight. I haven't hung with the boys in a while, so I figured why the hell not. Just the lot of us going to a bar or something to watch the preseason and have a few brews together.

I asked them who else was going and they basically told me our entire department – well, the men of the department.

Except one.

Hiiro.

Naturally, I asked them about that. They all got a little stiff and kind of glanced at each other. They told me that Hiiro didn't seem like the kind of guy that would appreciate hanging out. While I understand that, I asked them if they though that leaving him out would make him feel any better. Might as well ask him, he'd still have the chance to turn it down if he didn't want to.

"I don't really feel comfortable around Hiiro. He always gives me this look."

"Yeah"

"He kind of scares me…"

"_Seriously_ guys? Hiiro's a nice guy. He's just a little awkward and shy. Trust me, I _live with _him. Look, if none of you are comfortable, _I'll _go ask him because, frankly, I think it's really rude that you didn't bother to ask him."

I managed to guilt them enough, though I would have asked Hiiro anyway. When I ran into him later, at the copy machine no less, I asked him if he wanted to hang out with "me and the guys." I saw the typical awkward twitch that displays his discomfort, but he mulled it over a second before asking me where it was that we were going.

"I dunno. Some pub or something. We all have work tomorrow but just figured we'd get together somewhere and watch the preseason starter. You're not obligated to come though."

"Preseason?"

"Baseball man. Winter's coming to a close, gota get them players out to thaw, and all."

"Aa. I see," he finished his copying and stacked them neatly. "How late will this game go for?"

"Ehh, a coupla hours. Starts at 6 I think. You in?"

He finally scrunched his nose at my vocabulary usage, but shrugged and said why not. Inwardly I did a little dance.

Made my copies and then told the guys. They were startled, some were put off, some couldn't wait to see what Hiiro would be like out of work. I told them not to expect too much, though. What you see is pretty much hat you get with Hiiro. Far as I'm concerned, that's a pretty sweet deal, but I don't think they see exactly what I do – all them shojou bubbles and all... haha. I should really not mock myself so much… It's just so easy. Funny though.

Any whoo. We all gathered at the bar at a quarter to six. Hiiro came with me, a ploy on my part because that meant he couldn't leave until I wanted to (unless I gave him the keys and hitched a ride with someone else, but shhh).

I guess Hiiro isn't to into sports. As soon as the game started he asked me a bunch of really silly questions and the guys just exploded. Everyone tried to explain the game to him. When they started getting into specifics like ERA and batting averages I told them it was time to tone it down and just watch the game, cause honestly, if he's not into baseball he's really not going to care what a players RBI is.

We watched the game and cheered and heckled as necessary, it was just a scrimmage, but we decided to pick sides anyway. I even caught Hiiro laughing at us at one point.

"You guys are insane."

"That's half the fun" someone chimed in.

He just shook his head smiling. It was really nice to see Hiiro fitting in with the rest of us like that. I've always been concerned about his interpersonal skills, but I guess the only reason they were as 'bad' as they were is because no one has ever invited him to join them like this.

The game ended ('my team' lost) and we all headed home to get make sure we'd get up on time for work tomorrow.

Hiiro asked me all about baseball the whole way home. I think he got really into it asking for things he didn't quite understand the first time and for explanations on certain plays. It was really cool to see him so interested in one of the Great American Pastimes.

I invited him to come out with us next time and he said "yes" almost before I got the words out of my mouth. It was really funny. He apologized for cutting me off, but I was too busy laughing at him.

When we got home I took him to my computer to show him how to look up the teams, their players and current stats and the like.

When I showed him that he said something like "You must really enjoy watching this sport".

I had to reply "Actually, no. I enjoy a game from time to time, but I don't usually keep up on all this stuff as much as some of the other guys do.

He made that impressed or surprised noise of his. Then he thanked me for an enjoyable night and told me he'd see me in the morning.

He thanked _me_ for an enjoyable night.

I swear, I almost cried.

Almost.

Another night to remember.

Paz Note: Man, peeps. I gotta tell you, it's getting hard to come up with mini plots this often. Whew. But I also have to admit, after each one I get really excited about the crazy shit I'm making the characters do. What I really need to do, is find some other things to write about. I mean, I'm pretty sure that always saying "we went to work" is getting really boring and or annoying, but I can't really help it if they're career workers now… hum… maybe this post was a welcome change-up?

_I do have an idea for Duo, but it'll have to wait until 'Thursday' or 'Saturday' (of the story's week- today is Tuesday)._

_RBI is Runs Batted In measured on batters_

_ERA Earned Run Average measured against pitchers_


	34. Entry 34: Meetings SUCK, but

Duo's Journals

_Pre-Paz Note:_

_Okay, so I kinda fell off the world this week... I know I know. Terrible things. But as a result here is a _slightly_ longer post…_

_Do you know how hard this was to type? I kept squealing and going "Oh god! Why? Why! It's to cute, stop it!!!"_

_Also, as a reminder, I don't own GundamW or it's characters. I technically own the Chief, Jeff, Tom and all the really, really minor characters that basically don't matter. But that's it. I also technically own a lot of GundamW model kits… but I don't think that counts, somehow…_

_End note._

Entry 34:

Meetings SUCK, but…

When we got into work today all the guys were buzzing about the game and I had to stifle a chuckle to see Hiiro's reaction. His face so plainly read surprised amusement to finally understand what we'd been talking about all these years.

Tom decided to hail us down at that point, as we'd just walked in the door, jackets still on and all.

"Hiiro, what'd you think of the game?"

I don't think Hiiro was expecting to be included into the group quite so quickly and kind of faltered, then looked to me –like I have any clue what to say on your behalf, man.

"I enjoyed it." Was all he procured, but managed a sniff (huff?) and a smile, like he was too bashful to be talking about the whole thing.

Tom just laughed out and brought a little more attention our way. Hiiro tensed a little, but when Frank and a few others came over I knew he was pretty pleased to finally be like part of the crew. They asked him if he had any questions about the game and I even heard someone ask if he was planning to come next time.

I think he was getting a little overwhelmed so I joined in the conversation and asked what the guys thought about this player or that. Me and Tom agreed that the shortstop on 'our team" sucked balls. I caught Hiiro raise his eyebrows at that.

I also noticed a lot of the girls paying a little more attention to our little discussion than usual. Usually the ladies all ignore us, but something was different today and I saw a few covered whispers all day. I find it funny, as an aside, that women tend to cover their whispers but guys don't. In my head it's like, only women seem to think there's actually a possibility of people lip reading. It's cute.

After a few minutes of milling about we all started to settle into our tasks. I asked Hiiro for his coat and went to hang it up with mine in the office. He looked a little shell shocked standing there with Tom, but really, I couldn't blame him. I don't think he's ever talked to the people here conversationally before. Except me, but I sorta don't give him a choice.

We both had a meeting to attend first thing in the morning and when I came back from the office I saw that Sally had been watching us from the North hallway and looked… Impressed? When I woke her from her reverie, she jumped a little, I hailed down Hiiro, and he seemed to settle back into his shoes and we all headed off to the meeting.

If there is anything I hate in life it's a bunch of people who think they're hot shit talking for hours at a time. Hiiro and I were there for two reasons, we were on the Rating and Processing Committee (which barely gave us the right to be there) and we were ex-Gundam Pilots (which made us the most important people there).

First they asked about the annual reports, whee. I let Hiiro talk, he's better at legalese and I know I'd be too snarky with the Chief. He's kinda a dick. It didn't pass his eye that we gave Wufei full marks again, and this was where I spoke up.

Don't get me wrong, we do everything by the book, assuming the case we're reviewing does everything by the book, and then we decide how inordinate circumstances may have affected the outcome.

Wufei rarely had to do anything _not_ by the book. He's a damn-smart guy and knows his shit. If there are any instances where things go to shit like a bat outta Hell, he _finds_ a way to make it go by the book. I don't know how he does it sometimes. But I guess that's the difference a good education can make, right? That's why we always gave him good marks.

Good ol' Mister Chief just thought we did it because he was 'one of us'. Like I said, he's a dick. Did I fail to mention he's really buddy-buddy with Relena? Yeah, so he _hates me_ on top of that.

I tried being good today though. I've been having a good week, and I didn't want to let him spoil it. I won't lie, I was half convinced that I was having a good week so that this little thing would level it out. Aaa Karma.

"I understand your concerns, Chief, but I assure you that we did everything by the book. If you are to look through Commander Chang's cases yourself, I'd have to subscribe you to the fact that he is the best man you have under your command," I said, all smart-sounding.

He seemed put off, but today didn't talk back. Which is a definite plus. I have a short fuse with some people. He's number 2 but not too far behind Relena. Yeah, my dislike for her is greater, but I have to see him more.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Hiiro give me an appraising look and had to make sure not to smirk. After all, if I did, the Chief would think I was mocking him.

The meeting went on Blah blah blah. I nearly dosed, I was so far invested in another world. Then we got down to the tactical stuff and my interest came back. They were planning how to handle a particularly tricky situation in Romanesca on L3. Romanesca is a giant holiday resort sub-colony in the L3 range built up like ancient – guess - Rome. It had all your themed and modern shindigs. I've never been, but I've never heard of a bad experience there. That is what made this situation that much worse. We had to deal with some Dumb-fuck who was threatening to, I dunno, take over the resort or something if we didn't comply to his demands. We had to do this without letting the people inside know. Hard, when communication is so damned fast and fickle, but we (the big P) were managing to stifle the news and keep the story to 'outlandish rumors' within.

The big problem arises with the fact that DF isn't even on the Goddamn Colony and no one can tell where his transmissions are coming from. Basically we had to find a way to locate him, secure the colony, and then make sure he wasn't a decoy, as is more often then not the case with such open threats. This is the point where the entire room basically shuts the Hell up and just lets me Sally and Hiiro talk to each other about tactics, precautions and so forth. We usually come up with two or three plans at these little meetings that we at least mostly agree upon and then present them in words the Chief can understand. Then we let the right people send off the appropriate info to the appropriate task forces and call it adjourned.

I'd be lying if these little meetings didn't beat me senseless. I'm not good under sneering eyes and I'm not good under authority. Both make me want to rebel or fight and that's just not acceptable under the circumstances.

By the time we were all out of the room it was nearly 1:30 and I had to wonder what I'd missed that it got that late (wasn't lying when I said I zoned out). But I was also undeniably exhausted from keeping myself under reigns.

Hiiro knew the routine. He went and got me a cold tea and put it on my desk while I got the coats and that blanket I hide in my bottom drawer and just slept off my lunch break under aforementioned desk. The idea was that if anyone saw the tea, they would assume I was out and would be back sooner or later without having to ask Hiiro and therefore prevent him from lying on my behalf. It would also serve to help wake me when I got up.

These aren't the most restful naps in the world, but they sure as Hell help me get through that last part of the day after these little meetings. Don't get me wrong, I'm fine at the few tactical meetings that we have, it's all the political paperwork shit ones that drag on and on that get to me. Today just happened to be both, and, you know, the annual meeting to boot.

Hiiro usually gets me up after either a half an hour or at 45 minutes…

Today he let me sleep for a whole extra hour. At the time I thought it was secretly his way of thanking me for bringing him into the group, or something cause he even did the little bit of work I should have done in that hour. It was way nice. I tried to tell him that, but I guess the baffled look on my face would have to do.

The rest of the day was kind of a haze, but there really wasn't much else to do, so it didn't matter.

If that wasn't enough, when we got out he walked over to the driver's side of the car and asked for the keys. I looked at him curiously, but figured we were going to the same place anyway. I guess we still ended up going to the same place together, but it wasn't home.

We went out to eat, alone. Together. He paid. Said it was his treat for last night. I almost fell over. I swear. Today… Today is the definition of bizarre. I think I flushed so hard when the host sat us. He seemed to be curious as to why and asked me, specifically, if there was an occasion.

He thought we were together, as in a couple. I gaped. I looked to Hiiro. He chuckled lightly, and asked for… a wine, for us? What?

Since when was Hiiro so… so… Spontaneous... or maybe he'd been planning this. I couldn't tell…

Then I blurted, "This is the day I started working for Proventer."

Then he looked surprised. Clearly expecting me not to have remembered that. I don't know why. I felt really… Red. Kinda like the wine, actually.

I couldn't even tell you the name of the restaurant I was so baffled. The food was fantastic though… Or maybe I was just way so happy that it manifested itself in my taste buds. I don't know.

I think the waitress also seemed to think we were a couple celebrating something – maybe the host 'tipped her off', or something. She kept hinting to things and being really too sweet. I think they thought it was… was our anniversary or something… She almost made me choke at one point and Hiiro actually burst out laughing. God I was so embarrassed. I don't think I've ever been that… off balance? Quiet? In my entire life. I.. It… Man…

He looked so happy.

I really. Truly. Had. To. Restrain. Myself. It was so hard. Even with as hard as I tried I still… When we were walking out I waved by to the waitress and the host, having turned down the intensity of my blushing glow throughout the night, and grabbed Hiiro around the shoulders and drawing him… close.

He blushed then. Maybe we were a bit warm from the wine, I don't know. I ruffled his hair with the arm across his shoulders though and he looked at me… strangely.

God I just wanted to kiss him. I don't know why and how I didn't.

I think I paused though. We were almost to the car.

He paused too. "You want to drive?"

Without thinking I just said yeah. If that's why he thought I paused I wasn't going to argue it.

The whole ride back I just kept saying how unexpected it was and how thankful I was. It was really, really nice.

I have no idea which reason was the real reason he took me out though. I mean, he looked shocked when he saw that I remembered that five years ago I first started at Proventor, but he had openly committed that it was thanks for last night…

Lucky timing? I don't know.

I should have kissed him.

I just…

I half think he wanted me to. His eyes.

God he's so beautiful.

Why didn't I kiss him?

I mean, if he didn't like it I could have blamed the wine or the randomness of it or… or something.

For the first time in- ever, I regret not moving faster with Hiiro Yui.

I'll make sure there's a next time though. Bet your ass. Next time, god, next time I'll do it.

I hope I can restrain myself before desire takes over though…


	35. Entry 35: Girls

Duo's Journals

Entry 35:

Girls

I couldn't go to sleep very quickly last night... I kept thinking I let Hiiro down by not kissing him when we left that restaurant. I don't know why. It's not like I even know if he's straight or not.

Sometimes I even think he's asexual I mean. I don't think I've ever caught him glancing at someone from either sex, you know? I, on the other hand, look all the time. Sometimes I get a sharp elbow in my side from him at work when I spend too much time eying someone or another. I don't know if he does it so I don't get caught, or if he just does it to get my attention for whatever he ends up talking about with me after he jabs me. I mean, it's not my fault that a lot of people from our department are damn sexy. Unfortunately a lot of them are also considerably older, so while I might stare, I'd never advance them even if I _wasn't_ entirely obsessed with him.

That said, we were both late in the rising this morning. I've never seen Hiiro be anything but punctual, but I actually had to wake him up today. That's right _I_ had to wake up _Hiiro_. Crazy.

He was so startled that he zoomed out before eating and I had to chase him down. By the time I grabbed cereal bars that we could eat in the car he'd already jumped in his car and had the engine rumbling. I kinda think he forgot I was going in with him today, heh.

He thanked me for the bar and peeled out of the driveway. I want it to be known now, that we are _salary workers_ we do not need to come in _exactly on time._ We just make sure we get our shit done and then leave at around 5. Apparently Hiiro didn't get that. I told him to slow down and then explained that to him, but I guess he still didn't care.

Honestly, if he wanted to go fast he should have used my car anyway. It has better control at higher speeds than his car – I made sure that it was top notch in that area.

Don't judge, I like speed. I like a good adrenaline rush now and then, okay? It's a rush and goddamn if I'm gunna get it from zipping down abandoned roads or highways I want to make sure it responds. Granted nothing will ever respond quite like DeathScythe did. That thing was a beast. I miss that total control, even though I know I really cant, legally, aspire for that. There are, you know, traffic laws, and such and something like that would not be entirely street legal.

At work Tom hailed us good morning and told us that the time of the next 'big' pre-game, which he and some of the guys were going to watch, was going to be next Saturday and we agreed to meet them there.

I had a little running around to do this morning making sure the annual report was okayed, entering new reports here, there or the other place and asking every goddamn person of authority in the damn building what the Hell was going on with Operation #ASQ243 because I still hadn't gotten the paperwork and that mission ended a week ago.

When I left frustrated and without an answer I had to come to a stop when I heard the familiar melody of a group of women gossiping. Now usually the women up and let me join them in their exchanges, but I had a sense that something was different about this conversation. Maybe it was the fact that I heard the name Hiiro used a few times.

"I never saw Hiiro look like that before-"

"I know, I never really thought about it but he's a hottie-"

"But maybe he was just surprised-"

"Yeah but still, damn."

"I didn't think Mr. Yui went out with the sports guys."

"I don't think he did until last night-"

"That's what my husband said. Said he had never watched a game before, they had to explain it to him!"

"Seriously?"

"That's so weird, I thought everyone knew how baseball worked."

"The way my husband described him- lord he must have been adorable."

"I know, I keep trying to steal glances whenever I hear the office door open! Hee hee!"

"Do you think him and Duo are, you know?"

"They did move in together."

"I don't know, Duo flirts with me all the time…"

"Yeah, you and my husband and half the rest of the department!"

"You think he's a two-way door?"

"Equal opportunity I'd say."

"He's too cute as well."

"I just want to touch his hair, it looks so soft…"

That was about the time I snuck away. Seriously, had I just opened up Hiiro to the entire floor? Maybe taking him wasn't such a good idea. I mean, I want him to get along with everyone… But lets face it, I'm a little selfish, I don't want any competition!

The good news was that he seemed oblivious to all this added attention- Hell I was until I overheard that. I'm pretty sure that he was used to stares from people so I doubt he'd realize the change in reason behind them, plus if he was uncomfortable I think he'd either tell me or I'd notice a dimming (raising?) of his mood.

Interesting, interesting…

When we got home Hiiro did mention that the women seemed to be chattering more, and I just agreed, saying that every now and then they find some new morsel to feast upon. He gave me a look and asked me how I'd know. I said it's a girl thing and that I find girls entertaining, so I tend to listen in. I didn't tell him that when we talk about actors or hot newbs I join in, but whatever. I join the men for the exact opposite anyway.

Hiiro cooked today, even though he bought last night. I insisted that he let me, but he said it was alright and just told me off. I looked into computer parts while he did that and tried to decide if I'd have enough spare money to justify it. I decided I'd rather start paying for a little more heat and save the rest for when the air conditioning will be needed in a few months.

I also learned that since we moved and our taxing jurisdiction has changed that this area is a lot cheaper than I thought. When we were looking into it they were in the middle of restructuring the tax system and it looks like it actually went down, which is uncanny.

So maybe I don't need to be as frugal as I've been lately. Normally I am a little looser with my money, but I guess my mind is saying that it's 'our money' now and that I should be more careful with it. Though we've never said anything about sharing our money, _ever_, so I don't know why I'm thinking this way.

Hiiro's off tomorrow, so I asked him to look into getting us a real coffee table. Said I'd pay half. He asked what I'd like, but I told him whatever fits in the room.

As dinner drew to a close, he started to get a little… awkward… I half suspect it had something to do with last night, but didn't ask.

God that look, he had almost the same look again. It wasn't as intense as last night, but… Lords…

Why do I keep holding back?

I don't want to be broken again.

I want him so badly…

Note to Self: stop thinking.

G'Night book.

_Paz Note:_

_Okay, I'm going to draw the goddamn building that they work in, or at least their department cause, like, seriously, I keep referencing it and Duo doesn't seem to think it's necessary to describe since he works there every day. I'll post in on my DA. My username is Paz-Enai._

_Hopefully It'll be up soon-ish._

_It's an office building, and not some big conference area, so I'm not gunna give it a big lobby, okay?_


	36. Entry 36:Shit, Meet Your New Roomate Fan

Duo's Journal

Entry 36:

Shit, Meet Your New Roommate Fan

I don't know why Hiiro gets up at the regular time when he has a day off- I just don't get it. I mean… It just seems silly to me. I take that chance to sleep in till high noon. I think he has a genetic timer that just isn't programmable, cause seriously? How? And don't tell me you think he set his alarm because I've never heard such a thing from his room before, unless he wakes up to, like, a breeze.

Though in retrospect, I wake up before my alarm has the time to start playing my music. I hear it start loading and I jump to make it stop… so maybe he just does that too…

Guess what I finally got today? That's right, that damned missing report #ASQ243. No notes, nothing odd about it- excepting the fact that it was left on my desk in such a way to make it look like I had misplaced it.

Now, I might be a bit of a mess at home, but that's cause that's my comfy-place. The office is an efficiency-driven environment. I'm not a mess here. Ok? So basically, I didn't misplace it and someone just plain forgot to give it to me and didn't want to fess-up.

Douche.

Just thought I'd make a not of that before I went on with my day.

----------------------------------

I paid too much attention to the Ladies today, big mistake. They were talking about Hiiro much more openly as he wasn't around. I guess they got the whole "he's kinda shy" thing down… A lot of the guys were rolling their eyes.

"You've never noticed him before, why are you all so interested now?"

"How were we supposed to get a good look at him when he always B-lines from task to task?"

"I can't believe you all…"

"Oh, come on."

That was where I walked past their cubicles to go get something from another office. Why, why, why? Ugh.

"Hey Duo, what do you think?" "Yeah, you share an office." "And a _house_."

This is where I Deer-in-Headlights them and go "uhhh" for a while.

Please take note that this is not a normal response from me on, uh, anything. Everyone realizes this immediately. I mean- Mr. Talkative-Always-Immediately-Comments-on-How-Hot-People-Around-the-Office-Are doesn't have a response to this?

"Duo?"

"Have you fallen for his charm as well as all the Ladies, Duo?" someone teases.

What do I do?

Blush.

VERY RED.

Fuck.

I think they noticed that too, cause they all shut up. For a second, anyway. Then the expected 'No seriously', 'Is it true what Stacy said, are you two together' and so on.

I throw up my hands defensively, naturally. I tell them not to get ahead of themselves. No, I tell them. No we're not an item. Please, don't tell Hiiro. Please.

I think I stressed the 'please' like, nine times. I wish I just laughed it off and kept walking, the rumor mill would start up, but I think I'd be able to handle that better then what ended up happening.

I got a few sympathetic pats on the shoulders, a couple of head shakes, a few 'man, I'm sorry', 'good luck', and 'oh- damn' comments before the Gossip Ring Girls grab my hands, turn me around and steer me into the break room.

Now I've never actually been on this end of the gossiping news before, I'm usually, you know, on their side asking or listening. So I'm not too comfortable about this. They sit me down in the corner and the four or five of them stand or sit around and start interrogating me.

Not the most comfortable thing in the world. I was too nervous to answer just about any of their questions – Thank God. I kept looking to my hands in my lap, or ducking under their glances. I think I did manage to mumble incoherently a few times, though. I think that's something to be proud of… Maybe? I felt the blood in my face the whole time though.

Honestly, I only remember one of the questions they asked me. When. Since when did I feel this way?

I think I just sighed. Actually… I sighed, put my left elbow on the table and plopped my face in it – the sigh was all I said though.

Apparently that was all they needed to hear/see though. Cause the follow-up question was "That long huh?"

Fuck times two.

Now, I like the Gossip Ring Girls, but I swear if this somehow gets around to Hiiro… God. I just… Fuck… Times three…

I don't think I've ever felt so… Stupid? Low? Terrible? Betrayed? In my life.

It's one thing to have everyone in your life taken away in an act of war, a massacre or a plague, but to have your closest emotion, fears and desires flayed and put on display? The worst. I'm pretty sure they were about to continue until they saw what I couldn't help but notice was my face twist into the most hated expression in the world.

Anguish. I don't know how I kept the tears back, but God I thank you that I did. That would have made it just that much worse.

I could feel the stillness in the room. I don't know how long they stood there before they left me in the room alone.

Two hours later, when I was done collecting myself and left the room, I left the building.

I never did get that paperwork done…

I also forgot my coat. Just so happens it was snowing today.

Next thing I know I'm sitting in my car at the city park (in the parking lot). Don't remember driving there. Just remember the flight response kicking in as soon as I got to my car. When I looked down to my clock I confirmed my fear. It was only 2:30.

When all my thinking and self-bitching was done, I had to at least come to two positive conclusions:

They would never tell Hiiro, because they were all seriously afraid of my reaction. The Gossip Ring Girls would undoubtedly find something to say to the others to excuse both my early departure and my blush that would not incriminate me further than if they were to say that I was bi – which everyone basically knew already.

That I wasn't born into a previous era when Homosexuality was frowned upon, cause GOD, I would have quit right then just to avoid confrontation.

Fuck, Fuck, Fuck. What am I gunna do now. If I slip, or if one of them slips… God… No, nonono. This shouldn't have happened… I'm not ready.

If Hiiro had come in today this would never have happened… They would not have been talking so openly.

Shit, Mother Fucking, Goddamn, SHIIIIT.

I hope my conclusion #1 is correct. God I hope so. If it's just the five of them, God, please? I'll go to church weekly if that's the case, I promise. I run and hide- you know the line.

This can only get worse with time, if I know anything about my own sense of luck…

I'm gunna be sick…

_Paz Note: You're all gunna hate me in like… five entries (if you don't already) XD_

_Also, I'm going to contact Dae again about Hiiro's Journals because I've started thinking of things that I could do for my own spin on them… Now I don't wanna tell her off, but I will admit, I really, really wanna write these now… I gots __Ideas__. And it will feed onto the time following the entry __likely __(but not guaranteed) to happen soon. Insert : (Evil Smirk of Doom)_


	37. Entry 37: He's the Third Wheel

Duo's Journals

Entry 37:

He's The Third Wheel

Another Saturday has come... The third one in the new house, starting the fourth week… I think I'm getting used to the house… Especially my room. I've certainly seen a lot of it since I've moved in. Yup, like that little outburst two weeks ago, and now this.

To recap: my life hates me- and I'm a lucky bastard.

After staying up almost all night in a sleepless stupor, I wondered if maybe all my bad luck as of late has been because of some bad deeds on my conscious, or soul, or just everything. I had an amazing week, just to have it closed by an unwanted revelation and I'm noticing that this has been a growing pattern in my life. Lots of good things to be followed by something so bad that it either balances or tips the scales in the wrong direction. Now, granted, I'm not sure how revealed this revelation is, but I've decided that there's really only one thing I can do that might help me now. I mean, think about it, I'm not exactly a saint.

So I went to confession. This is quite possibly the first time I went to confession, ever, unless you count those little discussion things I used to have with Sister and Father… I'm not, technically Confirmed, but I told this to the priest and he didn't kick me out, so I guess I'm good.

I probably drove him nuts. I didn't know how it worked, as I've never been, so he asked me what sins I think I've done in my life. I asked him if he seriously wanted me to go through all of them. It'd take hours, I said. He told me to try him, there are other priests available for parishioners to talk to.

I don't know what I was thinking, I think I mostly wasn't, cause I basically told him my entire life story. Now I didn't tell him I was an ex-G Pilot, but I did say I was a pilot in the war. I don't know what I did and didn't say but as I started getting to more recent things I started to panic.

I blurted that I have feelings for a man. Now, while I know that society doesn't have a problem with this, most churches still do…

He didn't say anything for a long while after that and I was allowed a few minutes to man-up again.

He started slowly, telling me what in the scriptures there is that leads people to believe homosexuality is a sin. But he also told me a lot of other things. He told me that the church has grown to accept homosexuality in some small ways on the basis of true love, but not in regards to what is otherwise the 'typical' homosexual life- namely promiscuity. He told me that I should seek more forgiveness for my past sexual tendencies than for this one circumstance.

He then asked me what I felt, what I truly felt about Hiiro, how long I've known him and where my attraction to him began, and some of the really hard personal stuff… but I told him, he's under an oath to God, after all – you mess up there and you're just plain fucked.

He asked me if there was even a need for me to desire anything sexual out of the relationship at all. Now I know that sounds weird, but I actually had to think about that. Could I tell Hiiro I loved him with the given that we'd never have sex? A mutual love that isn't bound to that?

I told him that I don't think I would be able to handle that. My attraction is in everything; mental, emotional and physical. He wasn't too happy about that, but gave me a lot of general relationship advice and things to think about.

I left feeling a _lot_ better. I mean really. He listened to me and told me so much that I'd never do it justice to write it all down. It'd just take waaay too long.

I really have to think hard about what it is I feel for Hiiro, I mean what I _really_ feel about him. What I want and need from him. I mean, technically speaking and if I had my way, my 'role' in the relationship would be the same. I don't want to be the bitch (bad word, I know)… And he never did pull the "God intended men and women so that when they coupled they could produce" card on me. I'm very thankful to that.

I should probably also decide which church it is that I believe in. I mean, I try to honor Sister and Father and their religion, at least a little. But it looks like theirs is one of those ones that is anti-homosexuality to an almost racist level.

Bleh, my stomach's all wiggly now. I need to take a rest from all this God talk.

In other news, after I came back from my little excursion (Hiiro never asked where I was going, but when I got back he quirked his eyebrow expectantly. I think my change in attitude was, uh, Night-and-Day) Hiiro asked where my coat was. That's right, still at the office. I only have the one real coat, the other two or three things I have are jackets (though there are always sweaters…) This is magnified by the fact that winter is desperately trying to keep its hold and push spring back and as such it's been snowing since yesterday.

I laughed to stall and picked up the remote flicking on the screen as an evasion. Then I came to a STARTLING discovery. Saturdays on PasFi (the Past Fiction channel) there are nonstop _crappy_ horror movies! This is awesome!!

Needless to say, that train of conversation died right where it lay. I practically squealed, ran off and got my comforter and nested on the couch to watch – and mock – what turned out to be a awesome way to set my week right again.

I'm still going to go to church tomorrow, just in case, though. I don't want to test my luck, and all…

Paz Note: Hey peeps, Uhh, I know it's short notice and all, but uhhh… I have to go down to Penn tomorrow GOD-AWEFUL-EARLY for a meeting that I have. I wont have access to my computer, as it is a desktop. I wont be back until late Wed night. So there may not be a post until Thurs, just so you know.

_Sorry._


	38. Entry 38: Fermenting

Duo's Journals

Entry 38:

Fermenting

I had another restless night. It drove me nuts, so I ended up getting out of bed before the sun even rose. I then decided to take this opportunity to get out of the house before Hiiro would be willing to question me, and readied myself to go to 7 am mass. I made sure I was out of the house almost a half an hour early, just so I'd have time to walk around the church for a bit to think to myself. Not that I haven't been doing more than my fair share of that lately, or anything.

I strolled along the walls and looked at all the stations of the cross, at each crafted window picture, and the stories etched onto the plaques, at the craftsmanship of the building itself, at the set up and layout of the alter.

It was at the last that I realized regular parishioners were starting to come in and made for the last pew. I may attend mass from time to time, but I never actually go to receive. I just feel too dirty and… not worthy? I guess I just don't feel like I belong, and don't want to taint the service, so I just sit where I am and think up the few prayers I know and recite them to myself.

I didn't get to far with reciting anything today, and instead thought repeatedly about what the priest at confession said. I mean, I want to pick a religion that I can actually follow – is that coping out? - but at the same time I'll feel, well, pretty damn shitty if I can't at the least believe in that which Father and Sister tried to bestir in me…

It was when the eight o'clock mass started coming in that I realized I'd been there a bit too long and finally got up off my then-sore knees and headed out.

Hiiro was making one of his weird and intriguing breakfasts when I came in through the garage and I had to stop mid way through the room to try and identify the smell. He gave me a weird look and I'm not sure if it was because he didn't expect to see me up (much less returning home) or because he was trying to read my reaction to the smell of his food.

Eventually he offered me some of his food, and although I was a bit scared, I shook my head in the affirmative. He handed me a bowl with rice and this… bean concoction in it. I have to admit, it smelled pretty weird. A little like bad Swiss cheese, actually…

I followed him into the other room, poking at it with the fork he gave me and plopped on the couch a little closer to him than I intended; I was distracted.

"It's natto and rice," he told me (which is how I realized how close I'd sat next to him.)

I half jumped right out of the couch, then looked at him. "And what exactly is natto?"

"Fermented soybean," he offered, and then told me the other ingredients that he added. I couldn't get past he _fermented_ part, though…

Sure as hell explained the smell…

He was still watching me though. I told him to eat it first, so I knew it was safe. He chuckled but complied.

It's stringy, how nasty is that? I practically gagged watching him pull some of it up onto his chopsticks with a little rice. He practically choked as he tried to laugh at my expression. I looked down to mine mortified, that's right mortified. He egged me on though and I managed to get some in my mouth.

Frightening thing was that it actually didn't taste bad. Or rather, it tasted nothing like what it smelled. It was a little salty. I could taste the chives he put in and a few other flavors, probably the sauces he mentioned. I actually managed to eat it all and not feel like I'd forced it down.

I guess I'm starting to get used to some of his weird Japanese dishes (though I still prefer lots of meat to lots of noodles)…

He tried asking me where I went, but I just shrugged and said I had an obligation. He didn't press it, but I get the feeling that he really, really wanted to.

He told me that he ordered a coffee table for us and that it should be in tomorrow, I don't know why he couldn't just go to a store and pick one up and bring it home in his car. But, no, he had to order it on line so that he could make sure it matched the room or something. I swear he's a little weird about the house sometimes. But then again, I'm sure when it gets here I'm going to be glad I let him pick it out, and not me, cause God knows I'd just pick the cheapest hunk-o-junk out there.

It was one of those lazy days that make you want to do something, but utterly unable to find a way to keep yourself entertained. I managed to put some of my music on without driving him insane and wander about the house rearranging things that I'd noticed were jabbing at that little part of me that likes to get OCD sometimes.

I can't wait until the weather gets nicer because I can see myself just sleeping these kinds of days away out in the grass under the trees by the fence. Though, when I think about it, the backyard is going to need a little TLC, it's a little worse-for-wear and has all these has-been gardens. I have a feeling it'll be me to fix them up (that stupid little OCD center not letting me forget that they are there). Who knows? I've never known Hiiro to be the gardening type, but when you get right down to it, neither am I.

That was basically how the day went.

Of course, I'm starting to get nervous again. I just hope nothing crazy happens at work tomorrow. I swear if the damn peanut gallery says anything…

I swear I'll quit. I just can't take that kind of looming…. Guuh…

Well world, wish me luck. I've done all in my power to try and bring my luck up a bit, let's hope it pays off…


	39. Entry 39: Old Habits and Adrenaline

Duo's Journals

Entry 39:

Old Habits and Adrenaline

Well hate to say it, but things aren't looking so good up in Romanesca. We held another briefing today. They've moved Wufei and his crew onto the mission and sent someone else in to pick up their slack where they were forced to leave.

The good (?) news is that we seem to have located where the threatening transmissions are coming from. Yeah, all 35 of the locations. Whoever is sending them out must be in the technological communications field or something, cause that sucks.

The meeting was long and rather heated between me, Sally and Hiiro. Hell, Noin came in at some point with Zechs and started to debate with us.

It wasn't until much later that I realized how random their presence had been, but I was then notified that, depending on the outcome, they might be sent in next. If only we'd known…

After a two hour break, Hiiro and I were called back the small meeting room.

Basically, bad shit happened. No joke.

Now it's not 100 assured, but it appears as though several moderately large bombs were detonated on the surface of the colony. No casualties yet, but there is a rather high injury toll. In fact, there was a spill-out. Luckily they managed to seal it off before all of the atmosphere left a shit-ton of corpsicles up there.

Wufei's group had just arrived and was in live-conference with Noin and Zechs when we walked in. All we managed to hear before Wufei looked over his shoulder and ducked back into action was that they couldn't seem to get any closer without being fired upon from the entire LRCSS

That's not good, but basically solidified my thinking that the guy was a techie.

The discussion heatedly turned into an argument of number crunching. How fast can we get a shuttle up? Who's a good enough pilot? How are we going to make it so this guy doesn't realize its us? He's a techie, hiding the Proventer code is going to be hard-

Yadda, yadda, yadda.

It was pretty clear to me what had to be done. All I had to do was get heard over all the noise- the Chief and some other high rollers were contributing as well at this point.

They just wouldn't listen.

So I picked up a chair and threw it onto the table. Hard. It broke.

I barely had time to think 'that's gunna come out of my paycheck' before Hiiro shouted "What the Hell?"

I sighed and told them as quickly as I could. I spoke in that way I do when I don't have time to think before I talk - I know - and it made Chief flinch, but when they heard what I said they quite possibly knew it might work.

I'm going to try to write what I said verbatim:

"Look, this whole by the book thin'? Aint gunna work. It's jus' not. What you need is someone to go up there, illegally, on an unregistered flight and make contact with Romanesca. You gunna have to be real convincing that you don't sound like, well Proventers.

"BEFORE anyone cuts me out, I'm tellin' ya that I personally can get a flight inta space through less-than-legal terms. I can git up there and I can git to your colony. But I'm gunna have ta go alone. I'm gunna throw the book into the goddamn incinerator and I'm gunna make sure you don't arrest the fine people settin' me up with an unregistered shuttle. I can't have anyone acting all 'cop' in my copilot seat and I cant have anyone getin' in the way of me doing what I was raised to do- and it's not uphold the peace.

"I'm gunna dock in that colony, and as soon as my damn lanin' pads hit the flight deck I'm gunna disappear. I will smuggle myself into that damn colony and I'll break whatever systems this guy's got runnin'. But I gotta do it alone 'cause if anyone's there ta second guess me or somethin' we're gunna compromise the mission and people are gunna die.

"Now, do I have the word to go forward with this?"

And I do. I fairly left the room the second the Chief's head started to nod and made a call to Howard. He was startled and confused, but when I said I needed a 'quiet ship' he knew what I meant and set me right up.

I scanned the weather, checked flight listings and found the perfect break, which would then be my official launch time, 3 am - twelve hours from then.

I got my coat and was half out the office to get rations and food for what was likely to be a long 45 hour flight when an arm grabbed me at the elbow. Took me just the contact to realize it was Hiiro. I spun on him in full soldier mode and asked him what he wanted… though I think I actually asked "status" but same difference.

His words stuck in my head "Are you sure about this?" I saw and could feel a lot more questions were stuck behind that one, a paper-jam, as it were.

"I don't see any other options."

"Let me go with you."

I sighed, this is what I was afraid of. I knew what had to be done, I knew how this was going to lay on my shoulders, but honestly, I've been craving an adrenaline rush for years and I couldn't turn back or let someone, here's the kicker, spoil my fun.

All I told him was that he was exactly the type that, when looked at by anyone who dabbles in crime, would scream 'cop'. He persisted; he could hide off in a back room during communications. I asked him what he expected to do when we landed. He faltered when he was about to say "help you" and realized that I'd already said that someone following me would be a bad idea.

I finally got him off my case when I said that he could ask the others to be a backup. I gave him Howard's number, told him to use my name, street cred and all that. Then I told him I had a lot of last minute shit to do and a 6 hour car ride ahead of me. He let go of me and I more or less ran out of the damn building.

God, it's been so long since I've had Mission Sense that I didn't realize how reckless I was being when I made that offer. Looking back on it, I think Hiiro was more worried about me than the damn mission. I have to make it up to him.

I have to make it back to him first.

Oh, but my time is up, time for pre-launch. I'm spacebound in just a half-hour's time.

Yee-haw

_Paz Note:_

_LRCSS – I made it up, it means _Last Resort Colony Security System. _ You may recall on the show that Colonies had a defense system often build into their hull (generally around the docking bays) I gave it a name out of my ass. If they have a real name that anyone knows of, I can fix it._

_Oh the suspense!_


	40. Entry 40: Time Stamped

Duo's Journals

Entry 40:

Time-Stamped

0300: Departure

1100: It's hard to maintain a sleep cycle when you're damned sure you'll be fightin' your ass off in another day and a half, but somehow I managed to sleep for four hours.

1545: I've made careful attention not to contact back to anyone, in true criminal mind frame. I did make one encoded message to Howard after my first 12 hours. I figured it looked and was worded in such a way that if anyone was watching my transmissions they wouldn't think too much of it, but that –if they bothered to ask Howard - the Proventers would be able to know of at least my status (Alive).

1900: I've made sure everything on the damn dinky shuttle is in order so that, come docktime, I can fake innocence and at least feign that I'm in on the whole thing - that I'm not on the 'good guys' side. This requires a lotta space talk jargon I haven't used in years. Jargon that's so off base from how I talk now that I don't even know how to write in it (though I guess 'docktime' is more a Spacer word than an Earther word, huh?)

2000: I haven't had the itch for movement like this in a long time and I can rather admit that I'm gettin' a little nervous about jumping straight into open combat like I am. I almost feel like I did all those years ago when G turned away from me and muttered, almost under his breath, that I should just steal Deathscythe. Or as startled as I was that first mission that he gave me, or hell like the first time I came back into space after that fierce whooping me, Quat and Wufei got.

Like how disappointed I was that time my self detonation didn't work.

Like how scared I was that Hiiro almost did pull the trigger when I was captured not long after.

Needless to say, the whole thing is bringing about a lot of old war memories that I'd really rather not be thinking about, but which I just cant help, given the parameters of what I'm doing. I'm half proud that I got my ass up here and away form the damn desk.

I'm upset that I had to turn Hiiro down. I know for most anything else I'd trust him, and I know he trusts me for a lot more than he likes to give me credit for (I mean, Mr. Stoic doesn't let just anyone fly a shuttle while he takes a nap)…

2115: There's something nagging at me that I can't quite put my finger on and it's driving me abso-fucking-lutely NUTS trying to figure out what it is. I don't know if it's some form of latent guilt about not being able to back up or have a back up the way I know I probably should, or…

I mean I doubt it's the fact that I am unceremoniously throwing the rules out into the deep, vast, murderous void of space, because, quite frankly, it's in my nature to do so. Hell, I get a kick outta it, and knowing that the Chief is probably squirming is rather adding to that fact…

2200: I think flying alone also gives me way to much time to think about things. I mean, I didn't exactly have time to grab a book or bring music to distract me, and doing routine checkups and course corrections aint exactly the most mind-consuming thing in the universe. So it's just me and the rumbling of ol' Bethan Skie here, and I don't make much noise, and Bethan aint so much a conversationalist. Not that I don't try to talk to him (sorry, but Bethan just don't sound like a girl's name to me, so the ships officially male in my eyes), it's just not very satisfying.

Not like talking to my old Gundam.

I've been thinking about him a lot lately, it's rather disturbing, but I guess when you get right down to it, we're working our way into the tenth year since. Or at least, it's almost ten years since what's now known as Operation Meteor… That rather frightens me. I'm barely a man now, by social standing. Technically speaking I should have just graduated from college last summer. I wasn't even old enough to legally buy, well, much of anything – cigarettes, booze…

Ten years.

Shit.

That's a long time ago. Two-fifths of my life.

I think normal people my age are thinking about settling down, finding the right girl. And here I am thinking back on how I went off to kill myself and half the world with me for the good of the colonies…

And there's that weird feeling again.

I must've forgot to do something before I left. That feeling keeps coming back to bite me in the ass and I can't even see what it is that's biting. It's… unnerving.

2230: Looks like I'm getting a hail:

Code from Romanesca – delivery status. Green. Looks like they believe me so far. They'll grant me dock-access when I get closer, but they're allowing approach, which is always good. As long as my flight plan is approved up to there I can find a way in, even if they decide last minute that they don't want me on board, Hell I did it getting onto L3 X18-999, right?

Damnit and there's that feeling again. I solemnly swear that before this mission is over I'm going to figure out what the Hell that guilty feeling is about. I'm pretty damn sure it has something to do with guilt by now. It's not like I have any pets and I'm pretty damn sure Hiiro can take care of him…

Hiiro.

Shit…

I think… I think I never said goodby.

I really am getting old… and what was I just saying about wanting to settle down? Finding that right girl? Yeah, not for me.

Double-shit.

I better make it out of this alive.

Have I ever gone into a mission thinking that before?

Did I come out in good shape?

I have so officially fucked myself.

Alright, Mission Sense time. I can't be thinking about this stuff now, or I really WILL compromise the damn mission.

2300: I'm gunna try for a sleep cycle.

_Paz Note:_

_It's a little late, sorry -_

_I was watching FFU all day with a friend…_


	41. Entry 41: Day Two

Duo's Journals

Entry 41:

Day Two

0530: Well that was the most God-awful sleep cycle I've ever endured. I think of the six hours I tried for I got about two and a half.

I kept thinking about things that are going to make this mission a Hell of a lot harder.

Hiiro mostly, and that's just plain not good. I kept having dreams – the bad kind, the longing kind. I hadn't realized how much those dreams had let up since I moved in with him. It seems that so much of my dreams were sated with just knowing that he was in the other room. Knowing that we shared the same house was enough truth to deceive my poor little mind into thinking that there was something more.

But when I'm away, like I am now, it just goes to show how much I really want that something more.

Well, at least I have something to fight for, huh? I guess back during the war that's all it took. But when I take the chance to actually think these things, and then actually look at myself, I'm forced to remember that I took a hell of a beating back then. I don't know how the time has been able to dull that remembrance at all, but it has. How many times did I really, truly, almost die? I'm trying to remember, now, and finding that I can't keep count.

I can't even count the traces of scars on my body much less remember where I got most of them from - the war or before. It's just getting so hard to distinguish, now that most of these events aren't as fresh in my head…

All this freeform writing is making me nervous…

0800: Received transmission:

I am to wait for a contact after I reach the colony dockzone. I have been informed that "depending on current docking schedules" this may take a few hours and to "be patient until the next available Dock Traffic Controller". Which spurs me onto the fact that I need to make some imperative decisions on how the Hell I really plan on getting my sorry little ass inside the thing.

Now, if the hull breaches are real, which I can't know since that would require contacting base and that's basically a no-no, that gives me a potential entry point, though that would mean it'd be me, a vacuum suit and the great deep space. Not thrilling, but if they decide to attack my shuttle during docking it's one possible route, though it's more likely to be successful if they just plain don't let me dock and I'm allowed to drift.

The next plan would be to pull a crash-n-burn. I can feign a technical or engineering malfunction and get permission, or I can just plain go for it and dodge the attacks likely to follow as I'll likely be a little too close at that point for them to quickly home in on me - especially if they're still scopin' Fei. From there I got three possibilities: Go for broke and crash into the airlock which will give me at least a little leeway on getting through it, damage the defense network if there's an available maintenance grid in the hanger I'm in, or do it right, and be led in as a guest, set some charges, then disappear in the ensuing panic. This last one, of course, depends on how deep the overtake goes, and is kinda risky, no knowing what they'll do when they get me in; do it right, or take me to a brig or any-damn-thing in between, granted that I'm pretty sure I came prepared for just about anything.

Then there's the possibility of just plain docking, if they let me. This one all depends on how long it takes them to get in contact with me though, as I really cant waste any more time than what it's taking me to get out there.

After these main tangible 'plans' are the millions of more desperate ones that wont fully formulate unless they absolutely have to.

I'm kinda betting that it's gunna be in the middle group somewhere. The only sucky thing is that this aint open combat like it was during the war and I really can't be risking the lives of the likely millions of people within the Resort…

1200: I wish I knew that was going on with Wufei and his men, cause that'd be a great deal of help about now. Seeing as I've nothing 'weird' from Romanesca to indicate a struggle for command or anything, I'm assuming they're still trying to hide the fact that something just aint right. I'm pretty sure its gunna be up to me to find out who exactly is runnin' this operation, cause it don't sound like a one-man gig.

1645: I'm noticing erratic space travel around the area, looks like the Resort is keeping anything less than critical as far away as possible. Some look like old custom deals that may be taken from war scraps. Don't all look entirely space legal, which is interesting. I wonder if this is some space-mafia operation or what. There are plenty of cargo ships being held out here, transports, resort shuttles… They better not be letting these people run out of fuel and spacing them, cause that'd just piss me right off.

1900: Traffic is dismal at best, looks like regular routs have been altered around this zone to prevent unwanted close contact. I see another barricade of custom jobs on my scopes about an hour ahead of me.

2035: I was right about that barricade. I'm just barely entering the outer dockzone, I didn't realize they meant I'd have to wait this far back. I see a ship acting oddly on my scopes, getting close just to be pushed back. Something in my gut tells me that it's Wufei and his men. I wonder just how much fuel they got left. They can't possibly be out here that long.

I'm calling into the DTC to see if I can get an early appraisal and cleared to… wherever.

2210: A'ight, I'm in the dockzone, a little later than I want but hopefully in the next hour I'll get clearance and will be on the damn station no later than 0100.

I was right about that off-pattern shuttle from before, I scoped the signal on it and it was definitely one of the Big P. Had half the damn barricade firing at it, crashing into it. Doesn't look too good…

Probably shoulda tried for more sleep at some point, God knows that later I'll be wishin I had it, but the adrenaline's kicked in and I'm starting to want to rip into my engines and just get the real show started.

The whole transmission tag is a little unnerving as well. Makes me realize just how off things are. At this close they should really just be going live with me, it's faster and easier and doesn't require too much tech or money like that call from Fei to Noin from… from two days ago? Damn, doesn't seem right, the way time is passing me…

2330: I'm about on the edge of my chain now. No contact is a bad thing and I've done just about everything in my power to keep me busy, eaten, stretched, hell I even took a half hour nap, then did some reps to wake me back up. I'm about ready to hit the throttle.

0110: I want it to be known now, that if this book is ever found and I'm not with it, that this is in fact _not_ the first time I've crashed into a colony_ on purpose_, and goddamn if I aint going down without a fight, cause, Lord, this is gunna be a fight.

Assuming I get out of this bay, this book is to be used strictly for mission notes to be reported later.

Ah, my guests are arriving.

Show time.

_Paz note:_

_I think I've messed up somewhere… has it been 10 years (according to my story) since the war, or 8? I keep thinking that they're 24 turning 25, but maybe they're actually 22, or something… Do I ever mention it clearly (This is why you should have a beta…) if someone finds the err, notify me and I'll correct it based on the original timeline._

_Pushing it close to deadline, aint I?_

_My evil plot twist is approaching!_


	42. Entry 42: Infiltration Stats

Duo's Journals

Entry 42:

Infiltration Stats

0400: Status: Clear

I infiltrated the colony. My bay and ship are likely and genuinely destroyed beyond repair. Had to blow them for the sake of the mission. The corruption has extended to the grunts. Regular dock staff is not to be seen. Estimated death toll is at 5, non-civilian.

There is no uniform or badges worn by the enemy with the exception of half-black half-red headbands. Communication between forces seems to be running through the colony maintenance terminals, I'll check the channel later.

A quick surveillance shows that the enemy is dispersed into several units. I have taken out most of the dock unit and they are reallocating troops to make up the difference. Other troops seem to be for general patrol. Hostages not yet located, though overhearing the enemy has confirmed that they are still on the colony.

0700: Status: Recon

I have followed the enemy unnoticed to discover that they have tallied and gathered all food resources on the colony into a central location. My instinct tells me that they're going to feed the hostages as little of this as possible, likely to kill the hostages over themselves and use the footage to unnerve the peacekeeping forces trying to get a handle on things from the outside. I find it rather amusing that they think this will do them any good, or that they really are planning that far ahead. But then again, I guess they don't know I'm here… yet.

No sign of the commanding officer or leader. Hierarchy seems… minimal, at best.

0800: Status: Recon

I have overheard now that the guard situation is as follows:

Food guards rotate every 3 hours into colony patrol team, then rest

Bay guards every 6 (now that I've shorted them) to maintenance check, then rest

Hostage guards every 2 hours into 4 hour area patrol for gathering escapees (this means that they are holding hostages somewhere less than secure, which may aid me later on) then rest

Neither of the guards talking know the status of command.

Food guard shifts next at 0900. Make a move then.

0900: Status: Clear

I have set charges and taken my share of the stolen food. Charges are set to detonate at a switch to be used by way of decoy.

I was not noticed and I am not yet being followed. The cleanup crew from my crash seems to have decided that my corpse is not inside. Alarms have been raised.

1200: Status: Guarded

Movement has increased. They're looking for me, though I don't think they know a face to go with the alarm. I may be able to sneak to the hostage area, when I find it, and be brought there if I time things right with my capture.

1340: Status: High Guard

I have found an unused maintenance shaft to hide for a while. Quick work has been made in it and I've hacked their communications and set up a headset. No reports have been made other than to increase the effort to find me. They have tracked my ship registration number and my cargo list to discover that both are frauds and are panicking.

The LRCSS has been severely tampered with and I'm finding that I need to be incredibly sensitive with it unless I want to set off alarms and let them know exactly where I am. I'm attempting to plant a delayed virus. It should give me time to get away, but if it doesn't work, I've set charges, but that won't leave me much time to get out of the shaft before I get sucked into space or locked out of the inner-colony by it's preservation network, as I'll need to be on the same side of the wall to detonate the charge, the most I can do is delay it. I need to keep the hand detonators for the stuff I can't predict, which is rather more than I'd like to admit.

1600: Status: Clear

The virus mostly worked. Not totally, but it'll fuck with them enough. I left the charges as an added bonus for whatever sap gets sent to the terminal to see what's wrong. Wouldn't wanna be the chum that has to clean up that mess. Heh.

I've found a lower level maintenance duct system. The access wasn't quite happy to be opened, but it at least gives me somewhere to rest. With the headset I'll be able to tell if they're getting hot on my trail or not, as I'm going to be on a hair-trigger if I decide to sleep. They're starting to sound desperate, which wont make things easier for them.

Still need to find the Boss. Can't free the hostages without getting the Boss. Can't have them ordering a kill-on-sight.

2000: Status: Guarded

On the move again. They're so frantic I'm only half-trying not to be caught now.

Contemplating getting captured for the potential of meeting at least someone in charge. Might need to cause a little damage first though. They don't seem to know exactly what I'm after. The speculation is rather entertaining and the gamut goes from "Preventers agent" to "rival organization spy". Something about this group is making me think that somehow they're left over from the war, which is unnerving.

They're keeping the colony in Day cycle. This is going to eat up a little more energy, but I guess it'll keep the hostages more off-base, and it'll keep the on-duty guards more on-task. Makes it slightly harder to be constantly stealthy, but, you know, that's kinda the point.

I'm rested enough that this shouldn't be a problem.

2105: Status: Recon

I noticed a gathering around one of the pools. Looks like they let it drain and forced the hostages into it. Hardly what I'd call humane, but I guess it's effective. It's one of those wave pools, but, I mean, there has to be a million people crammed into it and the river thing, and that's gotta be, uh, gross. They are forcing them to stand. No food. No water. The young and elderly are getting ill. I don't know how long the food-deprivation's been going on for…

Ah fuck it.

2215: Status: Boned- is that an acceptable term?

Couldn't help it. I found an auto and drove into the food storage. Nearly ran one guy over and pretty sure I gave the other a concussion. Loaded the damn thing up as high as it'd go and then crashed through the pool fence.

Oh, and flipped the truck.

Didn't see any faces, and was moving so fast over the truck and outta there that I'm pretty sure no one saw mine, but, you know, the braid's kinda hard to hide when it's flailing around behind you.

Was fired at. No hits. Chaos ensued. The hostages over took the guards long enough that I was able to get back in there and get the guns from the few guys there and get out without any notice.

Then detonated the food stores, that would keep the bulk of the enemy occupied.

The second crew came back to start silencing hostages, except I was kinda picking them off from a safe distance and unnoticed by all- they actually put silencers on the guns, imagine that.

Estimated death toll: 100 civilians from harsh conditions, 15 enemy

2300: Status: Restructuring (I'm just making terms up now)

Well all it took to get a little attention was to take the damn silencer off a gun and suddenly everyone freezes. Somehow managed to convince the hostages that I'm both on their side and how to get into the maintenance service duct without too much problems- couldn't tell ya what I said though. Hell, some of 'em are ex soldier, so I told 'em to do what they know and get the people to safety. Got a few offers for help, but had to turn 'em down. The way I work is a little dangerous and if I didn't want Hiiro with me, there's no way in Hell any of them is up to par.

And Hiiro's good, just has a different skills set than I do.

They followed my orders and took the crashed rations with them below. It's not enough, but it beats nothing.

Where's the damn Boss?


	43. Entry 43: Fuck Status

Duo's Journals

Entry 43:

Fuck Status

0000:

As is to be expected, shooting a gun in a colony, not very quiet, and sound does tend to travel. I got a safe distance from the escaping hostages before I fired again, to lure the enemy off the trail.

Set a charge (ok, threw a grenade is more accurate) into one of the ride generators. Big flaming boom, but not nearly substantial to blow the hull. But a giant rolling flame is bound to catch attention. I'll be gone by the time they get here, but it's a good warning to them that maybe the hostages aren't the worst of their problems right now.

0400:

Colonies, even small resorts like this one, are Fucking Huge. This is ridiculous. I don't know if I'm just taking all the wrong turns or what.

No sign of a leader.

I'm starting to doubt a hierarchy at all. It seems more of an unanimous group. I can't find any goddamn signs of rule.

They've finally noticed the missing hostages, and have guessed the cause of the earlier explosion I caused.

0700:

Goddamn, they have fucking missile launchers! Why do you need missiles in a colony, the crazy bastards! They are seriously out of their minds. I'm gunna lay low for a while cause I swear they are on a hair trigger now, as I witnessed one lay five bullets into a vagrant rat not too long ago.

There may be a good number of them, but I've still got a tap on them, and this _is_ a colony. A resort, no less, with pools, and sheds, and rides, and all sorts of really neat, lightless places to hide.

Also, there are no signs that they've either noticed my virus, or thought to try and fix it. This concerns me, because they don't seem to be under threat of being overrun by law and peacekeeping officers. This either means that the outside isn't yet aware, or their barricade is doing a DAMN good job of keeping people at bay. This makes it harder for me to insure the safety of those less-than-hostage civilians below decks… they're gunna need water soon. Fuck if I know how to get it to them, and I'm not exactly close anymore… Hope them ex-military men don't let 'em down…

Something odd is going down... going to scope it out.

1000:

Good God we're doomed. I think I've found the ringleaders. Between the three of them they _have to be_ the embodiment of the Seven Deadly Sins. I shit you not.

Two women and one man. One woman is older and rounder, the other young and fine. The guys mid-aged. Unfortunately I could not get a closer, more defined look or hear any names. I cannot affirm that they are the ringleaders, but I can say they have a lot of power over the 'soldiers', who practically bend to worship them when they approach, not even making eye contact with anything other than their shoes.

But I got a little too risky getting close, and the area was wide open with not much cover. I'm not hit, I did get a graze, but it's not bad. Slight wound on my side. Stopped bleeding in two minutes. Cleaned, patched and ready to go. I'll try to find another way to get closer, but I have a feeling that they wont leave the safety of the big open spaces without anything short of an armed convoy…

They also refuse to allow anything important over the comm., or I'd have heard something by now…

Certainly not stupid.

1200:

After snaking after them for a while, I lost them as they entered a building. I'm not entirely sure, but I'm pretty sure it's one of the major hotel attractions, which means it has all sorts of rooms, tunnels and connections to god knows what other buildings. I can't risk entering just yet.

I will retreat to a VERY safe distance and get some rest in. Eat a ration bar or something.

1900

Fuck and more fuck. Well I made sure to retreat so damn far that it took me two hours to get somewhere nice, but apparently that wasn't good enough.

I'm shot, but not bad – not a full through shot, but more than a graze. It's my lower left arm, but they were aiming for my chest, woke up just in time. I'll live, and blood loss is minimal. Unfortunately it would be greatly reduced if I could have fixed it right away. Escaping was a little more important, though. Starting to wish I was a kid again cause man, it was easier to hide when my person was smaller… they were also less likely to fire at you, not by much, but Hell, an advantage is an advantage…

I think they found my virus and have cut off communication. There wasn't so much as a peep on it for way longer than there shouldn't have been. And I'm thinking it may have been cut a little earlier than I originally thought. It's been far too silent, and trust me, I woulda woke up if there was so much as a sigh over the line.

How did I get shot then, you ask? Well, when they blow up half the building you're sleeping in for no good reason, you tend to get up. I'm guessing heat scopes or something cause I was sniped. No one within at least 100 feet of me. You can't maneuver that quiet in a warehouse like that without knocking something over- unless you're me.

I'm safe for now, laying low back under-hull and a good several hours away from where I was spotted.

Just in case: if I die, all my stuff goes to Hiiro, all my money goes to the nearest orphanage and I wanna be cremated and sent off into space if there's a body left.

Not counting on that though, I still have to apologize to Hiiro.

I've still got plans and Goddamn if I'm not gunna make sure I fulfill 'em.

Gunna try for sleep again. Setting up sensors cause clearly the tap aint helping (though I'll keep that on just as well).

_Paz Note:_

_Yo, I got the okay to write Hiiro's Journals! I'll start those up soon. I think I may alternate between Duo and Hiiro's POV when I do (but I'll probably need to get Hiiro caught up first somehow… :D )_

_I'm actually going back and fixing up the errors and stuff and making a coherent timeline now to keep things in order, so that'll help. I'm going from most recent to past, using the most recent as the 'correct' time and altering the past posts to fit that timeframe. (I've already made some changes to a few entries!)_


	44. Entry 44: Running Outta Patience

Duo's Journals

Entry 44: Running Outta Patience

0100:

Fuck fuck fuck. Alright, so I guess I'm wounded a little worse than I thought. I sometimes forget that getting shot aint quite like being stabbed or falling or being exploded. All those other things you basically know how bad you've got it because you can _see_ how bad you got it.

Not gun wounds. I'm just a little lucky it was my left. Though it's still a major disadvantage.

Status isn't great. It's trying to swell up and I cant really ice it too much, since I got nothing to do that with. Not bleeding cause it's well wrapped, but I'm loosing some sensation in my hand. Mostly grip. If I don't get this over with soon, I may be forced into staring at my hand in order to make it obey my brain synapses. I'm hoping it's just a nerve being pinched by the swelling, and not actual damage, cause, uh… that'd suck. It didn't look like my muscle was to beat up… lets just hope I'm right and tough it out, ey?

Nothing set off the sensors.

There was one comm. Dispatch, but all it said was "Status?" followed by "Uncertain. Red". My _wild-ass guess _is that they're talking about me. I don't think they know where they shot me, and I probably left a convincing amount of blood behind…

Wish I knew what these guys were after…

0840

Alright, while stalking around and shit can be a great deal of fun, it can also be a very frustrating thing. I got a little tired of not knowing what the Hell's up. So I'm sitting here with a new friend I only spent about four hours stalking and we're going to get some info. I'm not going to tell you how I got this info from my new friend, we'll just write down the important stuff- the real deal. If he lives, he can tell you the exciting stuff on his own.

What is you name?

My name? What the fuck! Who are you-- I am Brigadier General Samuel Fauxe of the Peoples Reunited.

What's the People's Reunited?

The new order for space… A way to bring the otherwise separate peoples of space together as a collective nation, separate from the earth.

Why separate from the Grounders?

Grounders!? You're a Spacer or a Colonist, too! Why-- because people on Earth are not like the people of space and should stop thinking that they are!

And what about the ESUN?

They are hardly a people of space, meeting only to sate the minds of those who are easily fooled. They do not help those of space, and they add to the power of our enslaving mother, Earth!

And who brain washed you?

You mock me because you don't understand.

No I mock you 'cause you sound like you've been brainwashed. Who leads your pack, little puppy?

(No reply) … (No reply) … You'll never… (magical drug time) I don't know their names other than that we call them Cyllia, Norman and Tabie. There are not last names. They don't like letting us know more than we need to get out tasks done. They say a true ruler knows what information each part of the group needs. Too much information can only hinder.

So they don't like the ESUN 'cause they think it's too…

They think the ESUN works to closely with the media. Too much information is always available and it's slowing down our human potential to grow. We think the Gundam Pilots were something of an example of the next step. We are trying to get them out here to test our theories.

And how'd you know if you got 'em?

We believe three work for the agency of Preventers. Rumor has it that the suits are gone. We're also trying to verify that.

How would you find out if they were here or coming?

The Three said that they'd know. That a soldier like myself needn't such information.

I thought you were Brigadier Gen? How are you not worthy of that info?

I am a Brigadier General. I am only worthy of the information the Three allow me to have. It is for them to decide what I may and may not know.

Do you know who I am?

You are a smuggler or thief who tricked into our port. You destroyed our food stores, and you freed the hostages. You also blew up a ride as a decoy and escaped our best sniper.

Who do you think I am, besides all that?

I do not know, it is not my duty to speculate.

If you were asked by the Three to speculate, what would you say?

You must be a demon or a god. It's like the stories of the Gundam Pilots. Inhuman…

Well he's passed out. Maybe I over drugged him, but whatever. Also, SHIT! If the infoless grunt came up with me being an ex-GP then the Three must just plain _know_…

Gettin' the feelin' that I'm in over my head…

1400

I'm going to get caught. On purpose. I'm going to make it look like I slipped up. I'm going to make it humiliating, but it's going to be planned. I need to make them think less of me.

I'm going to make a few 'careless mistakes' before I do so. Chances are they are going to cap the Big P and boast that they caught me… but only if I let them know or hint that I work for the Big P… I'm going to try to play up that I'm a damn good thief and smuggler and that I was just trying to steal my worth and leave, and now that I've had my fill of action I'm just trying to get out. It's gunna be tricky. I may need to do some really…. old habits… things that people outside the black trade wouldn't recognize. After all, it's a kill or be killed trade, I can say I knew something was up from the communication snaffu and wanted to get my hands in on the action.

I will not have the opportunity to write as regularly for the records. I will write if the opportunity arises. I can NOT have this book found, for many, many reasons.

2300

Captured. In transit in the trunk of a small car. They are using standard cuffs. If they keep it up I'll have no problems getting away should the need arise. We are stopping… already? (5 minutes top)

_Paz Notes: _

_So, I was going to write last night, but then I saw this 'FFNet doing updates' thing and decided I didn't want to have to wait for it to be up and running again and that I have other work I could be procrastinating from life with._

_My version of Hiiro's Journals __might__ be going up starting this weekend! I'll have you know though, that once they get all up to speed, I'll probably be updating them and Duo's Journals interchangeably (that means I'll update every day, but alternate between the two)_

_Also, my timeline / fixing old posts is up to chapter 15! (I started from, well 41, but this one can be included in the time line as well, as it has a coherent place where it belongs)_


	45. Entry 45: Loosing Track of Time

Duo's Journals

Entry 45: Loosing Track of Time

'Kay, it's really dark where I am right now. I have a feeling that it's not a permanent hold, from the sounds and looks of things they wanna interrogate me at some point. I think I managed to confuse them… God it's amazing how well I can see in the dark sometimes, there cant be more than the emergency walkway lights on and I can see what I'm writing.

I also want to make a statement here that I can use if I ever go to court for the actions I have committed in order to get me where I am right now. I am not proud of them and therefore not proud of myself. I'm not going to say it was a very _good_ idea, but frankly it was the only fast solution that I could come up with. I know that if they have any recordings of it, it will look, well, pretty damn bad.

I know it wont mean much now, but I was hoping that someone would walk in sooner than they did, I was not expecting to get as far as I did. It's… disgusting to know I still have it in me to pull that behavior out of my ass like I did.

Fuck, sounds like they're coming back, I'll finish…

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I've been relocated to a different room. There are other people in here, about twenty, some of them seem to be from the hostage group. Looks like they decided to fuck hiding and took it into their own hands to cause trouble. If it wasn't for the fact that I've been spotted a few too many times, I'd try to play it up that I'm with them. But I'll be fine being the older version of kid that I was slated to be before I had a name.

I'll continue onto my statement after I just write down the reminder to call Hilde when this is all over, I haven't talked to her in like, half a year. Not a very good friend, am I?

My action does not seem to have left the resort. I have heard guards talking about it. I know they are disgusted, but at the same time, I have heard them talking about me as if I am some 'criminal slub' or such thing. This means that my action has lowered me extensively in their eyes and I don't think they would expect such reprehensible behavior from one of us ex-GP (no point in hiding it when I've written it in here several times). I think this means that the action was, so far, just about worth the reaction. This sounds terrible, but without this, and the few 'mistakes' I made, I think no one can argue that I did it for the greater goal.

In that regard, my 'failed missions' were that of attempts of lowering their regard of me. I have done things like attempting to steal a shuttle, to be forced back and 'almost killed' (it looked worse than it was, no real damage on my part). I 'accidentally' blew a charge 'in my face,' again, it looked worse than it was, as I set it to me no more than an aggressive smoke bomb. I'm mostly just dirty now (and it feels really nasty to know I haven't really cleaned well in about a week, much less showered). And then there was… the thing I did… black trade domination all the way… not all that uncommon at the lowest rungs of society…

Ahh, but the rest of the room is waking up… wish I knew what time it is but I hid most and they took the rest of my gear…

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I can't believe this. They opened the door earlier to 'feed us. God either these people are famished or… God, I don't know how I managed not to vomit.

The People Reunited is feeding their hostages human meat. I'm not talking raw arm and leg still fully formed and clearly visible etc, etc, but more of a meat detached from body and boiled. God how can you not tell what that is? This is inhuman!

I feel… unwell… and unsettled.

God I'm going to kill the fuckers who came up with that idea.

----------------- -

Well this is escape 'attempt' #1. I'm thinking I'll do this a few time to piss 'em off, keep me busy and to get some more info. That's what they get for keeping me in a room with ventilation, after all. Though once they figure out how I got out I expect this to get harder and harder.

The good news is, when I got out of the room, I made my way into the hall, knocked out the guards and unlocked the door. I expect at least half of these hostages will get out. I'll probably see the other half later.

Currently I'm up in the grid work. No movement for a while and I'm wondering what kinda security they have here. Maybe while I was in that holding cell-like thing they were determining if I was a big enough threat to be seperate, or with others-

Alright, looks like there's some meeting going on late tomorrow. Sounds like its just the Three and their Generals. We'll see if I can find a way into that. These guys are so useless though. They don't seem to know where it is… sounds like probably in this building… God these grunts are useless!

Alright, I'm fed up. They talk and talk and don't say _anything_ of importance. Gunna get spotted. Can't have them know how I got out yet though, so I'll have to be caught picking a lock somewhere, make it look like I managed to get out that way… and somehow take out the guards? Whatever, let them figure out how that works.

----------------- -

I refuse to eat that. I really do. I'm back with a few of the recaptures. Gunna rest. Fergy here's gunna watch my back while I sleep. I think he understands the military aspects of discomfort behind enemy lines. Doesn't ask why I write, he's assuming it's a death diary or something though, ahaha. Oh silly boy, I'm not gunna die here!

Alright rest. I'll need it if I'm not going to be eating till I can find non-human foodstuffs…

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_Paz Note:_

_EWWW they're EATING PEOPLE!!! Hahahahahah!!!_

_God, I'm up to 10 on the time line, depending on how much I get done tomorrow… going at the rate things are progressing… I'm thinking Hiiro's Journals will start by the LATEST mid-week._


	46. Entry 46: Oh God

Duo's Journals

Entry 46:

Oh God---

'Kay, we're out again. Fergy's with me. I guess when they caught him yesterday he overheard them talking about the meeting. Thinks he knows where it is. I'm going to bet he's a plant to try and catch me knowing more than I should, cause I don't remember seeing him the first time I was held and he seems to be almost too informed. He didn't eat either, but asked me why I wasn't.

We're hiding out in an empty hall waiting for… something- Oh, my cue.

------------ -

Kay, well, I'm definitely in a meeting room, that's for sure. Told Fergy to run, that there's not much more he can do.

He asked me why I was staying. Told him I had a death wish. He tried to get me to run with him. I'm thinking he wasn't a plant, after all. He seemed like it at the time, but I think I can read people pretty well, and he seemed to be honestly scared for me. Hope he gets out.

This is a big table man… I may be forced to hide myself under it, cause there is no ventilation in this room, or rather, they sealed it off. That makes me think that this room is in fact important.

I've made sure the locks are broken as well. Just in case Fergy was a plant, this would be a perfect room to gas someone. Can't let myself get caught in here in that kinda situation, so the doors have been manhandled to death so that they wont be able to close fully, much less locked.

There is Nowhere to hide in here. Damn. Shit. I hear people gathering outside. Time for ye old hold yourself up between the legs of the table act…

------------- -

Thank God this table is so big. It has just enough lip that they couldn't see me as they all sat and it is roomy enough in here that, so long as I watch how they stretch their legs, I have enough room to crouch.

They walked in rather frantically. A rush to sit down. Now they're all stiff and the last three people are on their way in.

'Kay, now everyone is standing and saluting with what sounds like "For the True Order".

Sitting again. I count 15 pairs of legs. Seem to be wearing the same clothes as the regular grunts, except for the Three. Their clothes are top quality.

God they're talking fast. Uhm… Just regular "You know why we're all here" etc, etc, mission statement, we got that from our drugged friend. From here out I may miss some info cause I'm trying to write quietly so no one notices, but, uh… you know…

They fear Preventers has infiltrated somewhere. Hacking communications. The defense network is down. The technicians who went to fix it were, heh, exploded. That's all my work… The rebel shuttle that retreated a few days ago is back. Seems it just went for a refueling and regrouping. They have crossed the defense line! They are encountering the Last Crew now. I assume that is the last line of defense stationed on colony? Seems that three other ships have joined it... I'm gunna say all together it's Wu, Hii, Noin and Zechs, or maybe some other assemblage of teams…

Uhh… something about 'how does….. keep escaping?" The hostages maybe? No one is answering, so I guess it's a big deal. They can't be talking about me, can they? Uh now it's something about that slub, so that's me. I guess they don't know that the slub is the Preventer… HA! Their disappointed, the Three did think I was a Gundam Pilot until I started "messing up". They seem really disappointed by this, yelling at all the Generals. Good, good.

Uhm, now they're talking about how they need to find the hostages quickly, they need something as a last stand against Preventers, I guess… Uh… Eee! "Find them with the damn missile launchers if you have to!" Gee I hope they don't decide to make a colony drop as a last resort, cause that'd suck SO BAD.

Ah! A guy just barged into the room. He's apologizing profusely and Lusty Wrath Girl (one of the Three) seems to be pretty damn pissed. She practically lunged at him and won't even let him speak. I think He's gunna piss himself. I gotta try not to laugh and the poor fucker. She's yelling at him for barging in on a very important meeting. How dare he, as a Lowly Brig Gen, consider such an act, and so on.

Mr. Man of the Three is standing up now and walking calmly over to her. Right, she's shut up now. He's asking the 'grunt' what the matter is that is so pressing that he could not wait until the meeting was concluded.

Uhm, the kids mumbling. Cant hear him…

Mr. Man asked him to speak up again. Make sure he's loud and well received. A cowering officer will do no good for the 'cause'. God this guy just likes to hear himself talk!

Alright his little monologue is over… the kid… Oh Fuck. Well, maybe this is good? I'm so trapped.

I guess some of the guys are on base now… and… damn the rooms in chaos. I'm about to get kicked I think, so-

Shit, alright, party time!

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_Paz Note:_

_Hey peeps, you know how I kept saying I'm gunna do something terrible in this story? Remember? Yeah, this Romanesca thing isn't it. What you say? Well I guess it's part of it, haha. But the terrible thing has something to do with Hiiro's Journals._

_Following me yet?_

_I'm not going to finish up this little arc until Hiiro's Journals catches up. That's right. I'm going to leave it. Right. Where. It. Is. Until Hiiro catches up and we see his side. Then I'm going to start the back and forth thing. Hahah! Don't worry too much though, the first few Hiiro's Journals will be a couple of 'days' each, and not every day of his week, with the minimum requirement of 1000 words like Duo's Journals. They will be updated every day though, like Duo's Journal has been._

_As an added treat, I'm going to write the first installment right now._

_Current local time: 23:30. It should be up by 01:00_


End file.
